You

Hi, um, I'm not very good at poetry. Not really a poet, me. But sure, I'll give it a go. I need help with, well, everything. Just have a look, tell me what you think. Enjoy.


You

I stand before the mirror,
Face, pale as the moon,
Yearning for the wishing star,
That will grant a sight of you.

Nothing is here, within me,
But the pain you left behind,
The scars my heart bears, is tribute,
To the hurt you inflicted inside.

My feelings are as ever,
Of majestic, self-less love,
So deep and passionate my desire,
It runs as deep as blood.

The fire inside me smoulders,
Burning, burning my soul,
Like a timeless, wild spirit,
Nothing will dim its glow.

Feeling, it means nothing,
To the way I treasure you.
Why, oh why, did you leave me here?
Standing alone and naive as a fool.

“Where there is love there is life”
A person said long ago,
And all I can say to this,
Is that they are right, and now, without you,
I am dead.


Quote – “Where there is love there is life” by Mahatma Ghandi.






So, hope you like.

~Ash~

Considering you say that you're not a poet, this was actually pretty good. As far as what you can improve, I think maybe some of the commas at the end of the lines gives this piece kind of a jerky feeling to it. The beginning of every line doesn't necessarily need to be capitalized- you can just punctuate like you would with a regular sentence. But beyond that and some of my personal things about some of the wording you used in this not being as unique as it could be...this was good I think you do have potential in poetry, though, because I think this does show promise

Hi, Ash!

For someone who doesn't write much poetry (yeah?), this wasn't bad at all. It's much much better than my first poems, which I can't even bear to look at nowadays.

I stand before the mirror,
Face, pale as the moon,
Yearning for the wishing star,
That will grant a sight of you.

Maybe "My face" instead of just "face"? To me it's too vague as it is, although it's of course pretty clear that it's the narrator's face. Just "Face" creates the feeling of slight deinviduation, so if you intended it, it works, but I don't think you did, to be honest. =D

Nothing is here, within me,
But the pain you left behind,
The scars my heart bears, is tribute,
To the hurt you inflicted inside.

Pain, scars, hurt, eh? This is something we all have come across at some point somewhere, and so it's not very interesting. These words are used eveyrwhere, there's nothing unique in them. And in my opinion, poetry should be unique to touch the reader, otherwise they'll get nothing out of it. I hope you'll keep writing poetry, because that's the only way you'll get rid of the clichés. Writing, and reading.

My feelings are as ever,
Of majestic, self-less love,
So deep and passionate my desire,
It runs as deep as blood.

I'm not a fan of the first line. In poems like this you have to say so many things in so little space, you should make every word count. To me the first line feels like the poem is idling, and it's also a bit boring. The last line confuses me – what does it mean, really? The blood runs deep, the blood itself is deep? Try clarifying.

Standing alone and naive as a fool.

"Naive as a fool" is sort of stating the obvious, don't you think? It's like "foolish as a fool" or "naive as a naive person" So maybe you could reconsider the wording here.

“Where there is love there is life”
A person said long ago,
And all I can say to this,
Is that they are right, and now, without you,
I am dead.

It's a nice idea to fuse a famous quote into a poem, and I like the way you concluded it. The flow, however, is pretty non-existent in this stanza, and I also think there is too much happening considering the words. The punctuation makes it choppy, and the basic thought isn't as clear as it could be.

Just keep having poetry close to you, and all these amateur-ish problems will go away if you give it a chance. See you around!


Demeter
x

Thank you both so much for commenting. I have wanted to try out my hand at poetry and this is my first, "serious" go. I know there is tons to correct, and the problem with it being not as unique as possible was pointed out by my friend. (she said it resembled twilight! ) So, yeah, that part is definitely a space for change. Thank you for the advice and for the positive comments - that will keep me motivated to write more. Thank you especially to Demeter! I will take your suggestions and create a better piece at some point!

~Ash~

i really really love this!!!!
just to show my first wasnt the best but oh well XD
also theres one thing......tghe very ending...... the speaker says

"i am dead"

this kinda ends it roughly.....i think to make it flow easier u might want to add a little more there......but other than that ans i few puncuation errors i really enjoy this poem!!!! ♥

Hello Ash,
I am also a beginner at writing poetry. I have yet to write a romantic poem, though. They just don't suit my writing taste. But anyways,[
quote="Red Ashes"]“Where there is love there is life”
A person said long ago,
And all I can say to this,
Is that they are right, and now, without you,
I am dead. [/quote]
I love that stanza My favorite.
There are parts in your poem where you seem to be a little redundant.

Red Ashes wrote:Feeling, it means nothing,
To the way I treasure you.
Why, oh why, did you leave me here?
Standing alone and naive as a fool.

This feels a little superfluous. Take it out, switch two stanzas and here it is:

Red Ashes wrote:I stand before the mirror,
My face, pale as the moon,
Yearning for the wishing star,
That will grant a sight of you.

Nothing is here, within me,
But the pain you left behind,
The scars my heart bears, is tribute,
To the hurt you inflicted inside.

The fire inside me smolders,
Burning, burning my soul,
Like a timeless, wild spirit,
Nothing will dim its glow.

My feelings are as ever,
Of majestic, self-less love,
So deep and passionate my desire,
It runs as deep as blood.

“Where there is love there is life”
A person said long ago,
And all I can say to this,
Is that they are right, and now, without you,
I am dead.

You can take this review with a grain of salt, of course. Just happy to review.
Toodles~
The universe