The Lifespan Of A Butterfly

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I had to write a piece which did not exceed 500 words, so that's why this is so short!


I have talked to science students, and still am not sure how long a butterfly lives. They are in agreement that it is not long; between a day and a month, depending on the species. Maybe that has something to do with the terror they elicit in some.


That sounds odd, I know. It seems natural to shudder at the thought of a spider, to jump on to a chair at the first glimpse of a wasp, but somehow a fear of butterflies seems unreasonable. Last summer, I spent almost three hours wandering around a Canadian butterfly conservatory. It was like a fairytale; a miniature jungle mere minutes from the car park, with thousands of different butterflies flitting freely around their vast enclosure. They fluttered as if frenzied, a whirlwind of colour; so many wings were flapping that you could almost hear them if you stood very still and tried to ignore the screams of children as they fled from zebra long-wings which flapped too close to their paling faces.


“Elaine,” whispered my brother, “I think there’s one on my back!” I circled him. A rather large one was perched beside his left angel-bone. Its wings were pressed together, so that only its brown underside was visible. Greg tried to look over his shoulder to see it. Shockingly, he proved incapable of turning his head three hundred and sixty degrees.


“Come on,” I told him, resenting his standstill, “let’s keep going. It will fly off once you start walking.” Surprisingly, it didn’t. It didn’t move a centimetre as we wove our way through climber plants and flowers, through perching and soaring insects, through hundreds of hanging chrysalises ,containing creatures which had a purpose before they had even developed fully. I had to signal for an attendant before we left, and have her remove it with tweezers. She settled it on a vine. It spread its wings. It was blue and green. It fluttered up in a circle, restless now. Perhaps it had wanted to leave with us.


I did not see a single dead butterfly. Perhaps the attendants were particularly scrupulous about removing corpses before the ethereal illusion could be shattered. My brother’s insect companion had been so fragile that it had to be removed with the utmost care-and still they flew, still they perched on adults and flew at children, as if they did not realize their fragility. Maybe the hanging brown and grey cocoons reminded them of their mortality-maybe they do only live for a day, and want it that way. When their bodies are removed and binned or pressed and pinned for preservation they will be perfect. Maybe this is us looking the other way while Nature blatantly shows us how she works, and maybe this is ok, until they die while they are perched on you. And maybe people run in fear of the brief life, of the inescapable death of the beautiful.
Last edited by Jasmine Hart on Sun Jan 03, 2010 12:29 am, edited 2 times in total.
"Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise."
-Maya Angelou




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Great work.

Shockingly, he proved incapable of turning his head three hundred and sixty degrees.


This struck me as funny, as I'm sure you intended.

“Come on,” I told him, resenting his standstill, “let’s keep going, it will fly off once you start walking.”

Run-on. That can be fixed either by putting a semicolon after "going" or using a full stop.
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Hi Jas!

Wow – I really enjoyed this piece, I'll say it straight away. You had one of the best opening sentences I have read in a long time; it's beautiful, fascinating, and mysterious at the same time, and it made me crave for more.

I only have some pedantic stuff to criticize.

but somehow fear of butterflies seems unreasonable.


Should be "a fear", I think.


They fluttered as if frenzied, a whirlwind of colour; so many wings were flap flap flapping that you could almost hear them, if you stood very still (making sure that there were no fallen butterflies on the ground near your feet) and tried to ignore the screams of children as they fled from zebra long-wings which flapped too close to their paling faces.


There are more than one thing I want to say about this sentence, so I'll divide it into smaller pieces.

1.
so many wings were flap flap flapping that you could almost hear them,


I found this a little odd. To me "flap" is an onomatopoetic word, so it's obvious that you can hear the wings when they go flap. Thus, this part of the sentence is contradictory, because it's like you had said, "They were making noise, you could almost hear it."

2.
(making sure that there were no fallen butterflies on the ground near your feet)


I don't think this is needed. It just seemed like an unnecessary stuffing in a sentence that is nearly too long to begin with. You could easily get away with scrapping this part in parenthesis.

3.
as they fled from zebra long-wings which flapped too close to their paling faces.


The "flapped" is a bit repetitive here, but other than that, I love this part. I don't know much about butterflies, especially in English which isn't my native language, but I assume that zebra long-wings is a butterfly of some sorts. It's an amazing name and I love that you used it here.


Shockingly, he proved incapable of turning his head three hundred and sixty degrees.


I'm not sure if this fits in the style of this story. Sure, it's smoothly worded and amusing, but it seemed out of place.

Other minuscule thing that I noticed was that your punctuation is limping at times. This is probably just a mistake that happens when you type quickly, but pay attention to it – remember to hit the space key after every full stop and comma, and definitely don't put space before either. There were a few parts like these that need to be fixed.


I loved the ending. It's just the kind which I'm an absolute sucker for. I don't really even know how to put this down in words, but I hope you understand how much I appreciate the ending. :) Well done. And overall, it was very pleasant to read and left me happy. Thanks for the read!


Demeter
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Wow, that was - to simply put it - amazing. The imagery that you evoked was one of magical wonder and I found myself transfixed.

“Come on,” I told him, resenting his standstill, “let’s keep going. It will fly off once you start walking.”

I'd suggest that you change 'it will' to 'it'll' because it sounds more casual. Statements that use 'it is', 'it will', 'would not', etc. are often used to emphasize something.
Well, I guess this is the only thing that I can address that hasn't already been addressed by the people above me.

Oh and I'd have to agree with Demeter, I loved your ending.
What is this coherency you speak of?

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