Left behind

Her eyes wondered around the room. She layed still in the bed, confused. The sore and agonizing pain between her legs made her squirm in discomfort but it didn’t help. As she looked down at her arm, she saw an IV stuck in her skin and cried in panic as she tried to pull it out. “Don’t,” a calm voice said and layed a hand over hers, stopping her from yanking the needle out of her arm, “it’ll hurt more if you pull it out.” Tabitha looked at her friend Sean with tears in her eyes. She wanted to know what she was doing in a hospital bed; though she was sure it couldn’t be good. “What happened to me?” She asked in a desperate whisper. Sean looked at her with blank yet concerned eyes as if carefully picking his words. At last, he slightly parted his lips as a tear rolled down his cheek and said, “Tabby, you were beaten and raped.” She stared at him in horror. She couldn’t believe what her friend had just told her but it was undeniable that the pain between her legs she tried to squirm out of was proof, as well as the knot on her forehead.
Just then, her parents walked in, their eyes red from crying; stress and worry written all over their faces. As they approached the bed, they saw the shock on Tabitha’s face and knew what just happened.
“Is it true?” Tabby asked bluntly.
“Yes, sweetie, it is. You were beaten and then raped.”
“When, today?”
“Yes, on your way home from school.”
“Who did it?”
“Charlie McKeen sweetie, do you know him?” And in fact, she did. Charlie McKeen was in Tabitha’s biology class. He sat behind her to be precise. As Tabitha sat there she remembered Charlie walking up to her on her way home from school to ask if he could borrow her notes from that day’s class. It seemed like a harmless and simple question so why not? Tabitha agreed and as she pulled the notebook from her backpack and handed it to him, she barely had time to see his fist popping her right in the face. She winced as she replayed the numb and painful feeling in her head. After that she went and faintly remembered that he pulled her to a hidden area behind the school. Next, she remembered the cold sensation of air on her bare legs and the sharp and agonizing pain of someone inside her. Tears streamed down her face as she sat there horrified. How could he do something like that? Tabitha wanted to scream the question in his face.
But before she could do and say something drastic, Mr. and Mrs. Baits walked in; Tabitha’s best friend’s parents came to see her, but Robert was nowhere to be found. She has suspected that he, of all people, would come to see her at a time like this, but there his parents stood, without their son. Tabitha was confused and a little hurt but greeted them with big smiles. “Hello Tabby. We’re glad to see your looking ok. How do you feel?” Mrs. Baits asked.
“Shocked, really. But other than that, I’m just hangin’ in there.” Tabby replied.
“Well, we’re glad to see that you’re awake and talking. Though we are truly sorry.” Mr. Baits said.
“Thank you. Um, where’s Robert?”
“He’s on a date with his girlfriend.”
“Oh. Uh, that’s nice.” Tabby tried to wipe the hurt and shock off her face. How could he do this to her? Out of the corner of her eye she saw Sean ball up his fists and his face go rigid, the way he got when he was mad. Sean was Tabby’s best friend as well but she and Robert had known each other since they were way little, too little to start school. And Sean knew this, which made him made him mad that his friend would betray his best friend that way. Especially in a time like this. “We’re sorry Tabitha. He really should be here.” Mrs. Baits said with a disappointed tone.
“No, its fine,” Tabby said through a fake smile, “I understand.”
“Yes, well, we’ll leave you. I imagine you’re tired and want to rest up.” Mr. and Mrs. Baits both headed for the door and left without another word. Tabitha’s parents also said their good-byes and promised to be back in the morning. Sean was the last to leave the room. He bent down and gave her a kiss on her forehead and left without a word. As soon as everyone left, Tabitha couldn’t help but cry helplessly. She was hurt and angry that Robert wouldn’t visit his friend in a time like this. That instead, he chose to go out with his girl friend then to see how his friend was doing after being raped and beaten.
As the days passed on, Tabby learned that she had to stay in the hospital longer than needed so the doctors could see if she was possibly pregnant. When she heard this, she was crushed. The possibility of having a baby at her age made her cry until she cried herself to sleep. Tabitha’s other friends came to visit her and stayed until she fell asleep, sometimes with tears and other times with just exhaustion. Although all of her friends came to visit, there was still one person who didn’t: Robert. She would wait and wait for him and whenever his parents came to visit, it was always the same excuse: he was out with his girlfriend.

geebee wrote:Her eyes wondered around the room. She layed #FF0000 ">laystill in the bed, confused. The sore and agonizing pain between her legs made her squirm in discomfort but it didn’t help. As she looked down at her arm, she saw an IV stuck in her skin and cried in panic as she tried to pull it out. #FF0000 ">New paragraph. “Don’t,” a calm voice said and layed a hand over hers, stopping her from yanking the needle out of her arm, “it’ll hurt more if you pull it out.” Tabitha looked at her friend Sean with tears in her eyes. She wanted to know what she was doing in a hospital bed; though she was sure it couldn’t be good. #FF0000 ">Well that's given isn't it? Leave that last part out. #FF0000 ">New paragraph. “What happened to me?” She asked in a desperate whisper. Sean looked at her with blank yet concerned eyes as if carefully picking his words. At last, he slightly parted his lips as a tear rolled down his cheek and said, “Tabby, you were beaten and raped.” #FF0000 ">To make this more emotional, he could say 'and... and, raped.' like he's stumbling over the words. She stared at him in horror. She couldn’t believe what her friend had just told her #FF0000 ">Replace with 'it', otherwise it seems awkward. but it was undeniable that the pain between her legs she tried to squirm out of #FF0000 ">Leave this out. was proof, as well as the knot on her forehead.
Just then, her parents walked in, their eyes red from crying; stress and worry written all over their faces. As they approached the bed, they saw the shock on Tabitha’s face and knew what just happened.
“Is it true?” Tabby asked bluntly.
“Yes, sweetie, it is. You were beaten and then raped.” #FF0000 ">Get rid of this last bit, too.
“When, today?”
“Yes, on your way home from school.” #FF0000 ">Yikes!
“Who did it?”
“Charlie McKeen sweetie, do you know him?” And in fact, she did. Charlie McKeen was in Tabitha’s biology class. He sat behind her to be precise. As Tabitha sat there she remembered Charlie walking up to her on her way home from school to ask if he could borrow her notes from that day’s class. It seemed like a harmless and simple question so why not? Tabitha agreed and as she pulled the notebook from her backpack and handed it to him, she barely had time to see his fist popping her right in the face. She winced as she replayed the numb and painful feeling in her head. After that she went #FF0000 ">I don't understand this. and faintly remembered that he pulled her to a hidden area behind the school. Next, she remembered the cold sensation of air on her bare legs and the sharp and agonizing pain of someone inside her. Tears streamed down her face as she sat there #FF0000 ">comma horrified. How could he do something like that? Tabitha wanted to scream the question in his face.
But before she could do and say something drastic, Mr. and Mrs. Baits walked in; Tabitha’s best friend’s parents came #FF0000 ">had cometo see her, but Robert was nowhere to be found. She has #FF0000 ">had suspected that he, of all people, would come to see her at a time like this, but there his parents stood, without their son. Tabitha was confused and a little hurt but greeted them with big smiles. “Hello Tabby. We’re glad to see your #FF0000 ">you're looking ok. How do you feel?” Mrs. Baits asked.
“Shocked, really. But other than that, I’m just hangin’ in there.” Tabby replied.
“Well, we’re glad to see that you’re awake and talking. Though we are truly sorry.” Mr. Baits said.
“Thank you. Um, where’s Robert?”
“He’s on a date with his girlfriend.”
“Oh. Uh, that’s nice.” Tabby tried to wipe the hurt and shock off her face. How could he do this to her? Out of the corner of her eye she saw Sean ball up his fists and his face go rigid, the way he got when he was mad. Sean was Tabby’s best friend as well but she and Robert had known each other since they were way little, too little to start school. And Sean knew this, which made him made him #FF0000 ">typo, I think. mad that his friend would betray his best friend that way. Especially in a time like this. “We’re sorry Tabitha. He really should be here.” Mrs. Baits said with a disappointed tone.
“No, its fine,” Tabby said through a fake smile, “I understand.”
“Yes, well, we’ll leave you. I imagine you’re tired and want to rest up.” Mr. and Mrs. Baits both headed for the door and left without another word. Tabitha’s parents also said their good-byes and promised to be back in the morning. Sean was the last to leave the room. He bent down and gave her a kiss on her forehead and left without a word. As soon as everyone left, Tabitha couldn’t help but cry helplessly. She was hurt and angry that Robert wouldn’t visit his friend in a time like this. That instead, he chose to go out with his girl friend then to see how his friend was doing after being raped and #FF0000 ">This is getting repetitive, I think just have 'beaten' alone. beaten.
As the days passed on, Tabby learned that she had to stay in the hospital longer than needed #FF0000 ">That doesn't make sense, she is staying for a reason, just keep it as 'longer.' so the doctors could see if she was possibly pregnant. #FF0000 ">Leave as just 'pregnant.' When she heard this, she was crushed. The possibility of having a baby at her age made her cry until she cried herself to sleep. #FF0000 ">'until she fell asleep.' Tabitha’s other friends came to visit her and stayed until she fell asleep, sometimes with tears and other times with just exhaustion. Although all of her friends came to visit, there was still one person who didn’t: Robert. She would wait and wait for him and whenever his parents came to visit, it was always the same excuse: he was out with his girlfriend.

Interesting story, what's up with Robert, I wonder?! I think it's good, a little repetitive at times but good. Maybe you could put a flash back in here of the scene, to make it more action-y. I don't know, just a suggestion. Sorry I'm so harsh, I just do critiques how I would prefer them to be done for me so... yeah, they're pretty harsh, but that's good, right? Now you can improve.

~Ash~

The story was interesting, though I think you could've spruced it up a bit more, maybe provide I bit more insight into the characters through gestures and thought process rather than simply stating their emotions (it makes it a bit more dramatic and a lot more engaging). Take for example:

“Tabby, you were beaten and raped.” She stared at him in horror. She couldn’t believe what her friend had just told her but it was undeniable that the pain between her legs she tried to squirm out of was proof, as well as the knot on her forehead.

could be

“Tabby, you were beaten and raped.” She stared, jaw dropping perceptibly and face drained completely of its colour. No. Nonononononoohgodno. You're lying, this isn't real. This isn't real. But it was, the uncomfortable pain between her legs and the bruise on her forehead could attest to that

You could've also drawn out on how uncomfortable her friend was with breaking the news to her, a stutter here and there and a little bit of fidgeting/squirming.

The story was a bit fast paced too, though this may work well with some stories (maybe something involving a lot of movement, action, etc.) it doesn't work well with this one. You should draw this out longer, be more descriptive with her emotions, use words that would evoke emotions in the reader. Draw out the 'drama' and emphasize her anguish and just how emptyshe is, how detached she may feel (post-traumatic stress and all), because honestly, this story is pure angst material.

I figure that this story would be pretty awesome if you just brush it up a little (get rid of all those unnecessary words and like any good writer,rewrite, rewrite, rewrite) and correct your grammatical mistakes.

Keep up the good work, you're a good writer but there's always room for improvement.

Hey GeeBee, welcome to YWS!

Her eyes wondered around the room.

Wandered.

She layed still in the bed, confused.

Past tense of lay is laid, but here you need this to be lay.

The sore and agonizing pain between her legs made her squirm in discomfort but it didn’t help.

Pain can't exactly be sore, can it, dear? If you said the soreness and agonizing pain, this would sound a lot better. I would clip "but it didn't help" off as well, because it's already implied.

As she looked down at her arm, she saw an IV stuck in her skin and cried in panic as she tried to pull it out. • • • “Don’t,” a calm voice said and layed a hand over hers, stopping her from yanking the needle out of her arm, “it’ll hurt more if you pull it out.”

New paragraph at the bullet points; remember to begin dialogue on a new line.

Sean looked at her with blank yet concerned eyes as if carefully picking his words.

It's usually better to use one adjective; too many sounds like you're layering it up in a effort to be descriptive, and it's like... tishk. Doesn't work well, dear.

At last, he slightly parted his lips as a tear rolled down his cheek and said, “Tabby, you were beaten and raped.” She stared at him in horror. She couldn’t believe what her friend had just told her but it was undeniable that the pain between her legs she tried to squirm out of was proof, as well as the knot on her forehead.

Hold on; you're hauling a lot of information on us right now. First, why is Sean with her to be the one to drop the news and not a nurse or doctor, or better yet, her parents? And... he drops it like dead weight on her, with no word of consolation or anything to make it be not-so-heavy on her.

Just then, her parents walked in, their eyes red from crying; stress and worry written all over their faces. As they approached the bed, they saw the shock on Tabitha’s face and knew what just happened.

I think her parents should've been in there with her.

“Is it true?” Tabby asked bluntly.
“Yes, sweetie, it is. You were beaten and then raped.”
“When, today?”
“Yes, on your way home from school.”
“Who did it?”
“Charlie McKeen sweetie, do you know him?” And in fact, she did.

This doesn't sound like your typical parent, dear. In fact, this bit makes them sound uncaring, as most parents would generally prefer from dropping news on their children in such a blunt way, but yet, it's just, deadweight. No consolation, no reassurance that the authorities will handle it.

Charlie McKeen was in Tabitha’s biology class. He sat behind her to be precise. As Tabitha sat there she remembered Charlie walking up to her on her way home from school to ask if he could borrow her notes from that day’s class. It seemed like a harmless and simple question so why not? Tabitha agreed and as she pulled the notebook from her backpack and handed it to him, she barely had time to see his fist popping her right in the face. She winced as she replayed the numb and painful feeling in her head. After that she went and faintly remembered that he pulled her to a hidden area behind the school. Next, she remembered the cold sensation of air on her bare legs and the sharp and agonizing pain of someone inside her. Tears streamed down her face as she sat there horrified. How could he do something like that? Tabitha wanted to scream the question in his face.

And, this is a bit unrealistic. Wouldn't someone have seen them? I would strongly recommend rewording this part a lot so that it sounds less... like this. It's a little info-dumpy, abrupt, and all in a manner in which it's not bound to happen in every day life.

But before she could do and say something drastic, Mr. and Mrs. Baits walked in; Tabitha’s best friend’s parents came to see her, but Robert was nowhere to be found. She has suspected that he, of all people, would come to see her at a time like this, but there his parents stood, without their son. Tabitha was confused and a little hurt but greeted them with big smiles. “Hello Tabby. We’re glad to see your looking ok. How do you feel?” Mrs. Baits asked.

She also wouldn't have visitors until she's ready.

As the days passed on, Tabby learned that she had to stay in the hospital longer than needed so the doctors could see if she was possibly pregnant. When she heard this, she was crushed. The possibility of having a baby at her age made her cry until she cried herself to sleep. Tabitha’s other friends came to visit her and stayed until she fell asleep, sometimes with tears and other times with just exhaustion. Although all of her friends came to visit, there was still one person who didn’t: Robert. She would wait and wait for him and whenever his parents came to visit, it was always the same excuse: he was out with his girlfriend.

In the beginning, the doctors would more than likely give her drugs or something to prevent pregnancy.


*

Okay, so, here's what's wrong with this:

As I read through this, I got the feeling that you were trying to write something strong to have an impact on your audience. I felt that the topic you chose was maybe a little too strong for the way you presented it. I find that a lot of younger writers resort to topics like rape and murder in writing so that their audience feels an emotional pull after reading it, and really, in my opinion, I don't think that's a good thing. I feel like if any topic is written out effectively, you can have a fair impression on your audience, because stories like this don't always leave me with a positive impression of your writing.

First off, usually, a person's parents would be there with them instead of a friend, unless the friend came to the hospital with them. In traumatic events that require hospitalization, visitors are very limited. It would have seemed more realistic if her parents were there, and later on her friends and friend's parents came.

There was a lack of presence on the authorities. No nurses, doctors, cops-- anything? Usually, a cop would come to reassure her that it'll be legally handled, or at least ask her about what she remembered of it. Her parents mention her rapist by name, and casually, too; it kind of sounds like they almost don't care enough. Rape's a serious matter.

Also, as Ludicrous said, the story is too fast paced; it feels like you're in a hurry to tell us all of these events and I think that you need to, instead, take it slowly. One part at a time. There's not enough emotion in here, and your description is a bit hard to chew.

I would recommend revising this. Try taking each part a lot slower than you are. If you need more assistance with this, I'm willing to hand out; feel free to PM me!

Juni

I liked reading this story. I think it has potential, but it needs some work. Like Juniper said, you were trying to create a strong impact on the audience but the way you presented it, it doesn't sound too strong. Apart from correcting the grammar I would suggest trying to expand more on your characters' reactions.

For example...

geebee wrote: Sean looked at her with blank yet concerned eyes as if carefully picking his words. At last, he slightly parted his lips as a tear rolled down his cheek and said, “Tabby, you were beaten and raped.”

This one I liked. We see how he goes through the stage of hesitation and finally realizes that he has no choice but to tell her the truth.

On the other hand...

geebee wrote:“Is it true?” Tabby asked bluntly.
“Yes, sweetie, it is. You were beaten and then raped.”

I was quite shocked that her parents could answer this so easily.
Also, why do her parents arrive after Sean? They are her parents. They should be there from the start. I would suggest that maybe you could have her talking to Sean and then feel a hand on her arm and turn to see that her parents were on her other side.

And I think that you should really try to work on the mood that you set for the story. It starts of great, but then I would expect Tabby to be a lot more confused at the news of being raped. She just seems to easily accept it after her parents confirm it. I mean there is anger and confusion, until she receives visitors. She talks to them all so easily and her replies imply that she is fine. You could have her struggle for an answer and then say something weak, like "confused" or "I'm not sure... Shocked..." Also, you should have those visitors come in days later not on the same day, it isn't too realistic.

But I must ask... what happened to Robert?
Hopes this helps and that it doesn't discourage you, because like I said, I enjoyed reading the story.
Good luck!