My Dear Diary- preview

A bit of my story.. i have a lot going at the moment... i started it a while ago and occasionaly i'll add bits. i know there'll be bits which need improving... so here you go-
Louise Bennett
Diary Entry week 1

Sunday
Dear diary. My life literally sucks. For example, today, I didn’t tidy my room, so my dad grounded me from going out! I was totally shocked… oh, and I sneaked out as well into town to meet my best friend Joanne. Here’s how it went…


‘Louise!’ My dad had shrieked from downstairs. I groaned and slouched down the stairs.
‘What?’
‘You haven’t tidied your room when I have asked you twice already!’ My dad was stacking books and placing them on the bookshelf with the nastiest frown creasing on his forehead.
‘And your point is?’ I folded my arms and scrunched my face up at him. ‘I have all day!’
With a sudden slam of the last book going onto the bookshelf, my dad glared at me. His brown hair was untidy and his glasses where crooked. Sweat was dribbling down his face and neck and the darkest damp patches lurked underneath his armpits.
‘Just because you have all day doesn’t mean you can do what the hell you want!’ He slumped on to the living room sofa and ran his fingers through his hair. ‘It’s just better to get these things done. If you can’t do as your told then I’m left with no option.’
A sudden pang of shock hit me hard in the chest; last time he’d said what he was about to say, I was just five years old. But before I could let out a protest he spoke quickly.
‘You’re grounded,’ and with that he turned around and grabbed his cigarette packet and lighter and left the room.
I opened my mouth about to say something, but closed it and shook my head in disbelief. Feeling slightly hot I stomped upstairs, making sure that dad had heard every slam and bang I made.

A strange vibration in my left pocket startled me; I shoved my hand in and took out my mobile phone. It was a text from Joanne. Great, I thought when I read it, but I can’t.

HI LOO-LOO. WONNA GO 2 TOWN?
XXX JO

I hit reply and texted her back.

SORRY, CAN’T. AM GROUNDED.

Grinding my teeth in anger I slammed my phone onto my bedside table and slumped onto my bed. It was several minutes later before the phone vibrated on the table and nearly fell off.

iCarlyfan wrote:A bit of my story.. i have a lot going at the moment... i started it a while ago and occasionaly i'll add bits. i know there'll be bits which need improving... so here you go-
Louise Bennett
Diary Entry week 1

Sunday
Dear diary. My life literally sucks.(#FF0000 ">Um, unless your life goes around slurping milkshakes/blood/happiness/whatever, this expression doesn't work) For example, today, I didn’t tidy my room, so my dad grounded me from going out! I was totally shocked… oh, and I sneaked out as well into town to meet my best friend Joanne. Here’s how it went… #FF0000 ">(The part you're about to elaborate on is about the grounding, pretty much, so I'd save the sneaking-out bit for later, yeah?)


‘Louise!’ My dad had shrieked from downstairs. I groaned and slouched down the stairs.
‘What?’
‘You haven’t tidied your room when I have asked you twice already!’ My dad was stacking books and placing them on the bookshelf with the nastiest frown creasing on his forehead. #FF0000 ">(Where is this? Why is he still doing chores when he is obviously very very angry?)
‘And your point is?’ I folded my arms and scrunched my face up at him. ‘I have all day!’
With a sudden slam of the last book going onto the bookshelf, my dad glared at me. His brown hair was untidy and his glasses where crooked. Sweat was dribbling down his face and neck and the darkest damp patches lurked underneath his armpits. #FF0000 ">He seems like a very unpleasant man. Maybe Louise should be angrier/more afraid)
‘Just because you have all day doesn’t mean you can do what the hell you want!’ He slumped on to the living room sofa and ran his fingers through his hair. ‘It’s just better to get these things done. If you can’t do as your told then I’m left with no option.’
A sudden pang of shock hit me hard in the chest; last time he’d said what he was about to say, I was just five years old. But before I could let out a protest he spoke quickly.
‘You’re grounded,’ and with that he turned around and grabbed his cigarette packet and lighter and left the room.
I opened my mouth about to say something, but closed it and shook my head in disbelief. Feeling slightly hot I stomped upstairs, making sure that dad had heard every slam and bang I made. #FF0000 ">(Dad's outside smoking, remember? Could he really hear?)

A strange vibration in my left pocket startled me; #FF0000 ">(People who put their cell phones on vibrate and then put them in their pocket rarely consider the vibration strange or startling)I shoved my hand in and took out my mobile phone. It was a text from Joanne. Great, I thought when I read it, but I can’t.

HI LOO-LOO. WONNA GO 2 TOWN?
XXX JO

I hit reply and texted her back.

SORRY, CAN’T. AM GROUNDED.

Grinding my teeth in anger I slammed my phone onto my bedside table and slumped onto my bed. It was several minutes later before the phone vibrated on the table and nearly fell off.

#FF0000 ">(And then what? It's just starting to get exciting!)

Louise Bennett
Diary Entry week 1

Sunday
Dear diary. My life literally sucks. For example, today, I didn’t tidy Maybe 'clean'? Not that big a deal, but you use 'Tidy' and 'tidied' a lot. my room, so my dad grounded me from going out! I was totally shocked… oh, and I sneaked out as well Eliminate! into town to meet my best friend Joanne.I would add this part... someplace else, because "Here's how it went' Sound's like you're going to refer to the whole 'sneaking into town' part, not getting grounded. Here’s how it went…


‘Louise!’ My dad had shrieked from downstairs. I groaned and slouched'Slouched' Isn't right. You need another word that expresses her movement, not her position... Because, well, a person can't 'slouch' down the stairs.. down the stairs.
‘What?’
‘You haven’t tidied See? Tidied again. Try some variation in word choice. your room when I have asked you twice already!’ My dad was stacking books and placing them on the bookshelf with the nastiest frown creasing on his forehead.
‘And your point is?’ I folded my arms and scrunched my face up at him maybe eliminate? Scrunching your face up at a person just doesn't seem quite... right. ‘I have all day!’
With a sudden slam of the last book going onto the bookshelf 'he shoved the last book onto the bookshelf' would sound better, my dad glared at me. His brown hair was untidy Here we are with the tidiness again! and his glasses where crooked. Sweat was dribbling Another word? Dribbling isn't generally used to describe sweat... Drizzling might work better. down his face and neck and the darkest damp patches lurked underneath his armpits.
‘Just because you have all day doesn’t mean you can do what the hell you want!’ He slumped slumped again! Not the right use of the word. 'Fell' would work just as well. on to the living room sofa and ran his fingers through his hair. ‘It’s just better to get these things done. If you can’t do as your told then I’m left with no other option.’ Describe how his voice sounds right here, to show what led her to think the worst.
A sudden pang of shock hit me hard in the chest; last time he’d said what he was about to say, I was just five years old. But before I could let out a Eliminate protest he spoke quickly. Add this to the beginning to the sentence. Maybe so that it goes, "He spoke quickly, so I wasn't able to protest.
‘You’re grounded,’ again, description of his voice. "He said (insert adverb here)" and with that he turned around and grabbed his cigarette packet and lighter and left the room.
I opened my mouth, about to say something, but closed it and shook my head in disbelief. Feeling slightly hot I stomped upstairs, making sure that dad had heard every slam and bang I made. A bit awkward. Maybe discuss the implications of those 'slam and bang''s. What might her father think when he hears them?

A strange vibration in my left pocket startled me; I shoved my hand in and took out my mobile phone. It was a text from Joanne. Great, I thought when I read it,
but I can’t. Italics! =]

HI LOO-LOO. WONNA GO 2 TOWN?
XXX JO

I hit reply and texted her back.

SORRY, CAN’T. AM GROUNDED.

Grinding my teeth in anger I slammed my phone onto my bedside table and slumped onto my bed Two actions in one sentence using the same word. Change it up a bit ;]. It was several minutes later before the phone vibrated on the table and nearly fell off.

Overall, I liked it! I would be really interested in reading more of her diary entries, and where exactly she snuck off to.