Last edited by mandapanda on Sat Dec 19, 2009 6:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost." ~J. R. R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
Why not good bye ethan? For a title... If you're looking or a title that is. You should capitalize all or none of your I's in a poem. ""i'll never know"" I'll. Thats the only grammar, I can spot...
As for the rhyme? None of it really felt forced... But it did feel like you were limiting yourself. Remember poems don't always need to rhyme. And flow between stanas pretty okay, not all that great in my opinion.
I do like how you date it and give the little message. I wish I knew the date for when some of my loved ones died, haha.
Keep writing...
[quote]If it's arguable, then it probably is." - Xeriana X
I personally think you should keep it as 'Untitled', it drew me in because it seemed like a deliberate mistake and sounded great. My only critism would be to stop using 'I' in poetry so much, vary it with 'we' and 'us' Draws the reader in a bit, might even make them think 'maybe I might be part of this 'we''
Forgottenfallen x
He was just one of the forgotten fallen...one? Maybe the only. All he knew was that if anyone another angel had fallen someone would have come and helped them up.
Oh gosh Maths has never sounded so good : "Lexifer"
Memorial poems are sweet. The rhyme here is good in consistency, but I would recommend not relying too heavily on it, because it dominates the poem and overrides the message. It's short and sweet -- to the point; I do feel that your images are very common, almost where they'd be classified as cliches, but never the worry. Nicely done, Manda.
June
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
Draws the reader in a bit, might even make them think 'maybe I might be part of this 'we'' 
