Aja, Aja

Open your mouth, I want to see
your tongue, lolling and pink
against the yellowed white of your teeth.
Are you using again? Have I lost you?

Moments, moments, let them run along
your arms like a broken track, red and sticking.
Where have all your moments gone?
Not even your veins can hold them now.

I thought you were watching, I was listening.
The marks in your elbows speak more than
the purple blue of your lips can ever do,
swollen and ripped. I am breathing.

Are you using again? Have I lost you?

You weren't a prize to win, you'll remind me
when your eyes are open once again,
yellow iris, yellow whites.
You'll remind me, are you using again?

When we were twelve, I caught you smoking.
Wasn't that the end of the feeling we had
together on the beach, fire sticking between
grains of blackening sand?

Where is the screen that covered this door?
The flies are settled inside the
cave of your nostrils and the stench rises.

I've lost you in the halls of the dead,
coughing on smoke we didn't quite swallow,
let them guide you now, let them see.

Are you watching now? Can you find me?

Woot! First post!

My Biology I class just finished giving presentations on different diseases and their symptoms and treatments, and I remembered what jaundice is! Not that you care, but it was one of my good-feeling moments.

Anyway, the problem was I didn't know what "aja" was; I looked it up with no avail. So you might want to put a footnote about that for other curious members.

I'm guessing that you weren't trying to stay in the abac pattern of rhyme. It annoyed me that the first two stanzas were in a pattern, then the rest weren't. That's just me though. Line 4, 13, 17 confused me at first, but was cleared up at the ending stanza. I have to say for line 22 and 24 you should put quotations around the "aja"s or put them in italics at least.

This poem shows the heartbreak for the deceased friend that shows a little underlined confusion to me. This is a great poem and comes from an interesting point of view. Great work. I will be looking forward to more of your pieces.

[mj]

Ohmigosh! This poem made me squeamish, lol. Needles, in general, suck. Like... oh gosh. I have to spend half my time holding my eyes when watching House. It's really pathetic. But it's awesome!

Anyway, I kind of am with MJ here on the "Aja!" I was reading it and thinking Spanish, but I am pretty sure that assumption wasn't your attempt, as it didn't really add anything to your poem.

Hi,
The fist thing I thought of when I read the title was "come on, come on" because in my language that's what "aja, aja" means. So I obeyed and went on to read this.
I'm no poem genius or anything so I can't give you any tips or whatever. Although I do think this is really good! I like the message and I can understand it.
Um, well, that's all. Wonderful work.

~Pink

Yeah, I identified very much with this. I've actually been there, at the point where there is no question when you've lost someone. One moment they are your friend and confidant, the next they emerge from the bathroom with a fresh track mark and look at you like a stranger.

I liked the style and especially the:

Aja, Aja! The flies are settled inside the
cave of your nostrils and the stench rises.

probably only because I like morbid imagery.

It adds another dimension of power to the piece as well, when you explain the history and the loss of innocence, pinpointing the exact moment when you and your friend started making different decisions. I give this two thumbs and one toe up.

I like this Pengu. Compared to most drug abuse related poetry, this is top tier. It was well executed enough that all I have are nitpicks to address.

Moments, moments, let them run along
your arms like a broken track, red and sticking

Favorite line. Lovely imagery, almost so lovely that the rest of the poem kind of pales next to it.

yellow iris, yellow whites ~ jaundiced.

First of all, what's with the squiggly? Use a dash. Secondly, the use of the word "jaundiced" is completely unnecessary. The repetition of the word yellow earlier in the line render that word redundant.

Aja, Aja, you screamed, Aja, Aja,
where is the screen that covered this door?
Aja, Aja! The flies are settled inside the
cave of your nostrils and the stench rises.

I can't decide whether I like this stanza or not. My indecision lies in not only the mention of the subject of this poem directly, but also in the almost song-like repetition of her name. On the one hand, I like the repetition for the chant-like lyricism and raw emotion, but on the other hand, I don't like it because it breaks up the mood of the poem, and smacks somewhat of melodrama. It adds a certain urgency that doesn't match the descriptive flow of the poem.

I like the repetition of this line -- "Are you using again? Have I lost you?"

Well, I think that's all I've got. Like I said, good job on this. A successful poem, indeed.

-Kylan

Beautiful, it speaks of the harsh truths of the world. I just don't know what aja means.

Pengu,

As I have verbalized to you in chat, I really cannot critique this. I echo Kylan on the use of your tilde; replace it with a dash, and jaundiced does seem unnecessary, but it's not one of those awkward blocks that must be removed. Should you keep or remove it is your choice, but in my opinion with and without is beautifully fine.

I love this for the tone of helplessness is carries on with. You can feel the narrator reaching out in a desperate attempt, feel the other side beyond salvation. I love your ability to place strong emotions in poetry without the usage of words such as crying or any other replacement that would narrate the emotions to us.

You are a brilliant poet. This is entirely beautiful -- do, please, continue on writing.


Cheers and a gold star,
June

If Aja Aja is pronounced as aa-ja than it means "come come".

PenguinAttack wrote:Open your mouth, I want to see
your tongue, lolling and pink
against the yellowed white of your teeth.
Are you using again? Have I lost you?

I like this first stanza very much, although for some reason I feel like the tongue-against-teeth description is just begging for a metaphor on the end. However, the imagery is effective as is, so ignore that if you like.

Moments, moments, let them run along
your arms like a broken track, red and sticking.
Where have all your moments gone?
Not even your veins can hold them now.

Less fond of this one-- I can almost catch your meaning, but not quite, and 'red and sticking', does that refer to the track? A broken track? Track didn't conjure up a picture for me; it could mean too many things alone and because I didn't understand what was going on around it, I feel like being specific with that phrase is necessary so it can clear up the rest rather than vice versa.

I thought you were watching, I was listening.

Maybe separate into two sentences? And is the tense switch from present to past significant? Because the next lines suggest that the speaker is still listening, and if that's the case the 'was' seems to ruin an easy transition from line to line.

The marks in your elbows speak more than
the purple blue of your lips can ever do,
swollen and ripped. I am breathing.

Might want to rethink 'the purple blue of your lips'; colors, after all, are not notably talkative. You'd probably be better off just with your purple blue lips, etc. Lips/ripped is an almost-rhyme that is both interesting and irritating; is it intentional?

Are you using again? Have I lost you?

Repetition here works, but it also isn't that compelling-- it doesn't serve any obvious purpose. Consider cutting.

You weren't a prize to win, you'll remind me
when your eyes are open once again,
yellow iris, yellow whites.
You'll remind me, are you using again?

The comma in the last line makes it read like a role-switch, the person the speaker is addressing now apparently asking them whether they're using again, but if it is a reversal it's not one you follow up on, so I suggest you get rid of it and stick to the consistent one way communication, or else clarify what it was you had in mind there with that inversion, because it's not getting through, quite.

When we were twelve, I caught you smoking.
Wasn't that the end of the feeling we had
together on the beach, fire sticking between
grains of blackening sand?

The rhetorical questions at this point start to weigh the poem down some; you can keep the indecision without the question mark. I do like 'the end of the feeling we had together on the beach', but fire sticking between grains of blackening sand-- is that the cigarette, dropped on the ground? What? Not a pretty enough phrase to justify the obscurity of meaning, I think.

Where is the screen that covered this door?
The flies are settled inside the
cave of your nostrils and the stench rises.

I like this. I like this very, very much.

I've lost you in the halls of the dead,
coughing on smoke we didn't quite swallow,
let them guide you now, let them see.

I like this too, but 'in the halls of the dead', hmm, maybe just 'to the dead'? Since you pull them in as 'them' later, you might as well be direct in introducing them in the first place.

Are you watching now? Can you find me?

And the last line didn't quite hit the right note for me. It seems like something the person the speaker was talking to, the You, should be saying to the speaker, but there's no indication of that, and without it I'm lost.

Overall, a good poem to read; clean up your message, though, and your descriptions too, I would say.