Let Me Love You(12)

Chapter 12

Isabella was fascinated by Sara, this little creature who had interrupted Joe Don and Destiny’s lives. Once the newborn came home Isabella helped as much as she could, but with every second spent with Sara she knew she would have to tell Gary about her pregnancy sooner rather than later. She couldn’t hide under baggy clothing forever.

Gary was beginning to feel a little neglected; all of Isabella’s free time was spent with Destiny and the baby. It was a nice Sunday afternoon, but once again he was alone because Isabella left church with Destiny and Joe Don. It’s not like he didn’t want to help his friends out with their child, but he was never invited to come along. This time though, he was tired of being isolated from his lover, so he got in his car and drove the couple blocks to the Rooney’s household.

When Gary got to Joe Don’s house Isabella and Destiny were in the living room just watching Sara sleep. What was so interesting about that, Gary thought as he said hello to Destiny.

“Hey sugar, ready to go home?” Gary looked down at Sara and saw a preciousness that shook him to his inner core.

She looked at him with a tired blank stare and prepared herself to stand.

“Yeah.” Isabella got up and felt really dizzy as she fell back along the couch.

Gary tried to steady her as she sat back down. I wonder if she getting sick? Poor darling, I’ll make her some chicken noodle soup when we get home.

“Are you ok?” Gary asked, letting her take a breath before she tried to get up again.

“Yeah I’m fine, just got up too fast that’s all,” Isabella replied, trying to play it off as though that was true.

I wonder if he knows that during the first trimester of pregnancy it’s normal to have dizziness and nausea.

“Hey, take care of yourself,” Destiny said, as walked them to the door.

“What did she mean by that?” Gary asked, as they pulled out of Destiny and Joe dons driveway.

Does Destiny know something I don’t? I know they’re really close, but would Isabella really keep a secret from me?

“Nothing, she meant nothing.” Isabella’s eyelids suddenly felt to heavy for her to carry, and her legs felt like a piece of seaweed in the warming ocean.

She laid her head against the slick, cool window and fell asleep. When Gary pulled up to their house he took her in his big burly arms, and he carried her up on the front porch and through the door to the couch. He gently laid her down and covered her up with a plush blanket, soft as a newborn’s skin.

Gary tiptoed to the kitchen to slowly make the chicken noodle soup. His heart pumped loudly in his chest and the blood rushed in his ears; he didn’t want to wake her up, she looked exhausted. He peeked in on her every so often just to make sure she was still sleeping. After the tenth time checking on her he clumsily walked back into the kitchen and knocked a stack of papers off of the counter. Quickly, Gary piled them in his hand and put them back on the table.

The top of the stack caught his eye. It was a pamphlet about expectant parents. Curious, Gary picked it up and briefly flipped through it; his heart jumped to his throat seeking shelter outside of the norm.

Why would this be sitting on my counter? Didn’t we always use protection? We’re not even married, we can’t be having a baby. His mind was racing with thoughts of uncertainty and fear when he thought, maybe it’s Destiny’s and Isabella was going to throw it out. Maybe that stack of papers is suppose to be thrown away.

That seemed to calm him down as he finished making the chick noodle soup. The arousing smell pulled Isabella from her deep sleep. She leaned on her elbows and sat up. Rubbing her eyes with her hands furiously, she stood up and walked into the kitchen where Gary was ladling soup into a bowl.

“Did you get some rest sweetheart?” Gary sat the steaming bowl on the table and pulled a chair out from the table for her.

“Yes, I did. I don’t know why I’m so tired.” Maybe playing dumb will fool him, Isabella thought.

Gary pulled the pamphlet out from his back pocket and asked, “Hey, I found this on the table and I wanted to make sure it wasn’t something a friend of your’s needed before I threw it out.”

He slid the pamphlet across the table to her, and she took it into his cold calmly hands. Her hands shook as she picks it up. The spinning in her head was giving her a headache; she just wanted it all to stop, all the lying, all the tension in her own head. This was now or never she had to tell him, or she would temporarily go insane.

“Gary, I’m pregnant!” Isabella busted the words out of her mouth like verbal diarrhea.

Gary’s eyes grew wide, and he backed away from her in disbelief, knocking over the pot of chicken noodle soup burning his left leg.

Wow this is really good!
I was hoping i could read more but it ended. =(
If you put any more of the story up, PM me!

Hey, Pink here, as requested.
So I read through your brief explanation and I think I understand what's going on here.
Alright, I just want to point out some nitpicks I found first.

“Hey, take care of yourself,” Destiny said, as walked them to the door.

I think you mean: "...Destiny said, as she walked them to the door.

as they pulled out of Destiny and Joe dons driveway

You have to capitalize 'Dons', right?

and she took it into his cold calmly hands. Her hands shook as she picks it up

'picked it up'
Tense mistake, don't worry though, I do that too

___________
Alright, overall I didn't find any big mistakes. You're grammar and punctuation is great and that made me so happy because it's just so much more fun to read if you don't stop and say, hey he/she spelled that wrong or that not supposed to be there, ahaha.
Okay, this was a pretty interesting chapter, I haven't read the rest but it seems as if a very deep story is being built here, and I like deep stories that have a good message.
A few things I would like to point out are, firstly, your introduction seems to lack a catch. Every chapter, doesn't matter which one, needs to continuously catch any readers attention. I mean sometimes its hard to do that but try your best.
I also liked your cliffhanger, makes me want to read on because I want to know all of Gary's emotions.
I'm not sure what else I can point out, besides the fact that you did a wonderful job!
Sorry if this wasn't much help


~Pink

Rascalover wrote:soft as a newborn’s skin.

I liked how this was slightly ironic.

Rascalover wrote: His heart pumped loudly in his chest and the blood rushed in his ears; he didn’t want to wake her up, she looked exhausted.

Good description but I don't really see what he's getting so antsy about.

Rascalover wrote:his heart jumped to his throat seeking shelter outside of the norm.

This didn't flow very well for me.

Rascalover wrote: That seemed to calm him down as he finished making the chicken noodle soup.

Rascalover wrote: Isabella busted the words out of her mouth like verbal diarrhea.

That is not a pleasant image.

Rascalover wrote:Gary’s eyes grew wide, and he backed away from her in disbelief, knocking over the pot of chicken noodle soup burning his left leg.

Is this the end of the chapter? It seems like kind of an awkward place to leave off.

I didn't really find any big grammar/spelling errors so yeah for that I don't really feel connected to any of your characters though. I know I kind of just jumped in the middle of it and that relationship/development probably evolves throughout the story. But this chapter was kind of blase until the end. I didn't learn anything new about the characters and there wasn't much action until the very end. Maybe a way to do this would be to not have all of the characters thoughts in italics. Think of other stories written in third person like Harry Potter. Even though it's not from Harry's perspective, there are still lots of paragraphs that just describe what Harry is thinking.
I'm interested to see what happens next though, like Gary is going to take it

-Carly

Thanks so much you guys

Hiya! Here, as promised.

The little stuff

Once the newborn came home Isabella helped as much as she could, but with every second spent with Sara she knew she would have to tell Gary about her pregnancy sooner rather than later.

I don't really like the "rather" here. You could go on without it.
This sentence is run-on, and barely makes sense. Try separating it: "Once the newborn came home, Isabella helped as much as she could. But, with every second spent with Sara, she knew she would have to tell Gary about her pregnancy sooner or later.

...rather than later. She couldn’t hide under baggy clothing forever.

Pretty sure there should be a semicolon separating these instead of a period.

When Gary got to Joe Don’s house, Isabella and Destiny were in the living room just watching Sara sleep.

Add the underlined comma. By the way, I love that name. Joe Don!

What was so interesting about that, Gary thought as he said hello to Destiny.

I think you were a little confused here. You are writing in past tense, but when you are having your character think about something directly, you can say it in present tense, just be sure to follow with a "thought," like you did. So change the bolded "was" to "is."

She looked at him with a tired, blank stare and prepared herself to stand.

Add the underlined comma.

“Hey, take care of yourself,” Destiny said, as walked them to the door.

So, you play this off like it is an abnormal thing to say, and have Gary questioning why she said this. Well, hate to tell you, but this is kind of a normal thing to say when people are leaving. You need to say something more out there, like "Hey, Isabella, don't trip down any stairs or anything." (don't say that specifically, just something like it)

After the tenth time checking on her he clumsily walked back into the kitchen and knocked a stack of papers off of the counter. Quickly, Gary piled them in his hand and put them back on the table.

His clumsiness is so cute here!

Maybe playing dumb will fool him, Isabella thought.

The underlined should be italicized, since you italicized every other thought.


So, I really like your ending. It's hard for me to comment on the plot, since I don't really know what is happening. I like this part, though. Aside from a few awkwardly long sentences, you wrote it really well!
~Classy

Hey Tiffany! Sorry that you've had to wait for so long!

Gary tried to steady her as she sat back down. I wonder if she getting sick? Poor darling, I’ll make her some chicken noodle soup when we get home.

I feel that the "Poor darling" is too cheesy, especially within a thought. You could just delete it and be fine with it in my humble opinion.

“Hey, take care of yourself,” Destiny said, as walked them to the door.

“What did she mean by that?” Gary asked, as they pulled out of Destiny and Joe Don's driveway.

Does Destiny know something I don’t? I know they’re really close, but would Isabella really keep a secret from me?

Gary's pondering is not realistic. It's perfectly normal for people to say "Take care [of yourself]", when separating. Or then he's just really paranoid, which I can't know since I haven't read the other chapters.

He gently laid her down and covered her up with a plush blanket, soft as a newborn’s skin.

On one hand, the simile isn't necessary here, but on the other hand, I like the irony, as someone said before me.

Gary tiptoed to the kitchen to slowly make the chicken noodle soup.

This adverb is clearly misplaced; it doesn't make sense here. I think the word "tiptoed" is enough to describe his way of moving, anyway.

After the tenth time checking on her he clumsily walked back into the kitchen and knocked a stack of papers off of the counter.

I don't like the adverb much here, either... Him making the papers drop implies clumsiness; thus, it doesn't have to be specified. Maybe you could consider having something like: "After the tenth time checking on her, he walked back into the kitchen, knocking a stack of papers off of the counter by accident." You decide what sounds good.

and she took it into his cold calmly hands.

Hmm?

Gary’s eyes grew wide, and he backed away from her in disbelief, knocking over the pot of chicken noodle soup burning his left leg.

Since he seems to have a quickly running mind, it's hard to believe he would be this surprised when his guesses come true. The chicken noodle soup in the end is a nice touch.

Watch the adverbs – you either use them too much or in wrong places. When you've written something, mark all the adverbs you've used and delete half of them. Most of the time they're not even needed.

That's basically all I can say for now, keep writing!


Demeter
x

Hey there! Sorry this took so long, by the way!

You've got a load of good reviews here, but I'll see if I can pick anything out!

Nitpicks

This time though, he was tired of being isolated from his lover, so he got in his car and drove the couple blocks to the Rooney’s household.

I'm assuming that it's the Rooney family? In that case, it should be "Rooneys'".

Gary looked down at Sara and saw a preciousness that shook him to his inner core.

This, to me, doesn't feel so right. I feel like there should be more description here, perhaps describing the look on her face or what makes her seem so precious. However, precious also seems like a bit of a bleugh word to put here; perhaps weariness or delicateness would be better options?


The rest of my nitpicks have been picked up by other people, so I'll just run through a couple of things here.

Pace
The way your story is moving seems way too fast. The subject you're broaching is a pretty big one that will affect your MC's lives, and therefore it's not one that you want to rush. If I'm honest, the last part of your story seemed to hold no place for emotions, simply quick actions and plot which told a story but didn't necessarily fill in the gaps. This also brings me onto my second point which is:

PoV: Although you aren't writing in first person, your story does centre round two main characters. This, sometimes, can be a real pain if the story is constantly switching from one to another line after line. At the end of your story, I felt like I couldn't quite get my bearings because you weren't sticking with one character's thoughts enough to give us the full picture.

Overall:
Although this is the only chapter I've read, it seems to be very well written. You have very few typos and grammar mistakes; the only things that I find wrong with it are the few things I've pointed out above. So I think that you've done a great job with this one!

Hope I helped, and sorry this was late!

~Amy