A land away from home

I guess this can go in the Fantasy collum. The first chapter isn't quite done, but I wanted to post it because I want to know what you think.



A land Away from Home

Prologue

Ryan was about to cry. His heart hurt with every beat. He could feel it pound in his chest. Tears welled up in his eye. He wouldn't cry, no. He was leaving his whole life behind. His mother, father, Tray, Leslie.... He could never forget her- even though he was only 6 years old. Ryan looked up at his master. The woods around him went very quiet.
"I am ready to go, Master." Ryan's master looked down at him. His wise gray eyes twinkled with sadness. A small breeze blew his white beard and purple robes.
"My apprentice, I am afraid that you can never be completely ready in life." Master's voice seemed to echo in the trees. "You are choosing the right path, though. Look around what does your heart tell you?" Ryan looked around. The sun was nearly touching the horizon. The last of it's rays hit the trees and rocks casting giant shadows on to the ground. Ryan watched his. Then he felt ready.
"I can go now, Master." The sun hit the horizon and a bright light surged forward out of it spreading until it enveloped Ryan and Master.
Police cars raced everywhere. The search continued for five years before it was declared hopeless. Mr. and Mrs. Peterson never stopped searching and neither did Leslie or her mum. As Leslie grew older she stopped searching, but the truth was that she kept searching within herself. Her heart and mind never got over her friend's disappearance.
Knight to Prince
Sir Ryan stood before King Shay and Queen Gwen. The Queen smiled at him. Her crown sparkled and her gray hair turned gold in the sun. The King looked down at him. Underneath his beard he smiled.
"As you know we have no heir to the thrown." Ryan nodded and the Queen's smile grew even wider.
" You are our best knight and a shining light in the darkness of our times." She said.
"Blackheart's armies grow in the east and we need a prince to lead us. We have talked with your master and the knight counsel. They both have agreed to make you our successor. There is one thing that you must do though. Master Aragon requests that you must take a certain person as your apprentice, whom your master shall give you. Draw your sword, Ryan." The old King stood as Ryan drew his blade and knelled.
"Sir Ryan, I here by name you heir to the kingdom of Airisoh. Do you accept this?"
"I do, my king." Ryan replied.
"Do you swear to fallow the rules of being prince no matter the consequences?"
"My Lord, I swear it."
"Then let it be known that you shall be called Prince Ryan of Airisoh." The guards and servants in the room bowed and Queen Gwen stood.
"I am happy to call you a son." She said. "Our allies will be glad to know of you, Prince Ryan, and our enemies will tremble in fear. For they have expected us to not name a hair and for our kingdom to fall apart."
"Thank you." Ryan stood and left the room.
Ryan sat on his bed as Master came in. Master bowed.
"Don't do that, Master, please. It doesn't feel right." Master nodded.
"Who is my apprentice?" Ryan asked, looking up into Master's ocean green eyes. The same purple robes still clothed him and the same, but longer, beard covered his chin.
"Do you remember your old life?" Master asked. Ryan jumped up, shocked. He shook his head and walked around.
"Not, it's not Sam. Is it?" Ryan asked, worried. Master shook his head sadly.
"Do you remember Leslie?" Master asked sadly. Ryan stared at him and shook his head.
"No, I can't... I can't put her through war. I... I... I... I love her. I... I... can't. She..." Ryan fell on his bed. "No.... it can't be. It can't be. Master!" Ryan looked up, but Master was gone.
Ryan set out that day for Passing Forest, where the two worlds met each sunset. It was two hard days ride there, but Ryan had made up his mind. He was going to except Leslie as his apprentice.

Chapter 1

"I don't want too go, mum!" I yelled.
"Why? The Petersons are very nice people."
"It hasn't felt right to go over there ever since Ryan ... disappeared.
"Leslie..." Mum gave me that sad face. I sighed.
"They are a little crazy." I shrugged.
"Ryan, dear, even though it's been 10 years. Your 16, now, so you can be polite." Mum picked up the keys to the car.
"Urrrrrg." I groaned.
Mum stopped in front of their house and I jumped out of the front seat. I shivered.
"Mum, are you cold?" I asked.
"Uhh... no." I frowned. I was freezing in the middle of July.
"There's a park down the block. I guess you could go play for a while." Mum sighed. I smiled as I took a jacket out of the car. Mum went inside and I started to walk.
It wasn't long until I started to get a weird feeling. My skin prickled and I could my hair stand on end. I rounded the corner and stopped cold. A Rottweiler with a huge body and three heads was sniffing in some bushes. Out of the corner of my eye something big and brown came flying. I turned and was rammed into the bushes. On my back in the bushes a boy laid on top of me. He held his finger up to his lips in a shushing motion. I looked into his big green eyes and they seemed to say look at me. His shaggy, black, prince like hair softly brushed my cheek. I could feel leather pants on my bare legs and boots by my feet. He wore a cloth shirt under a embroidered leather tunic and a sheathed sword dug into my leg. I let out a little whimper when I heard the dog growl. I could hear it swing all three heads over to the bushes. The boy and I waited forever until, finally, the dog padded away. The boy got up.
"Who are you and what was that?" I asked. The boy stuck out his hand and I grabbed it. Without delay he pulled me to my feet.
"I am Ryan, Prince Ryan." I shivered and frowned it couldn't be. Ryan Peterson? "That was Heck's guard dog, Cuddles. He's just a baby." I frowned even more. Was this some sort of joke? "Now you must come with me. We have far to go and little time to get there and lots to learn." He grabbed my hand and took off in a run. I had no choice but to follow him. His grip was as strong as a ring of steel. Plus, I had a feeling that I should go.
The woods, that stood just out of town rose steadily, in front of us as we ran. The sun was just beginning to set though it was just 6:00. We hiked for three more hours. Ryan fell into step with me and grabbed my hand. Then the sun touched the horizon. A bright light came from with in it and spread through out the entire world and when I looked up again I was in a land away from home.
Giant trees soared into the sky and the sun continued it's never changing path. It's rays casted long shadows on the ground. Two black horses stood by a tree. Yet, there was something odd. No birds sang and no animals ran through the brush.
"We need to go- an army's just been through here." Ryan said walking towards the horses.
"Army?" I asked.
"Blackheart's. Can you ride?" He replied.
"No." I shook my head.
"Then you can ride with me."
I climbed on one of the horses. A horn echoed throughout the forest and horses neighed in the distance. Ryan looked around and swung on beside me.
"Blackheart's horn. We need to go!" Ryan whispered. There was a blood curdling as two large human-like cats on horse came charging. One let out another scream. Ryan whipped the reins and the horses broke into a gallop. The human-cat creature charged after us. There was a loud thud as another cat landed in front of us. Our horse skidded and kicked out with it's front legs. Ryan turned to the left.
"We can loose them at the river." Ryan said in my ear. I hung on to the saddle horn for dear life. The two cats ran after us. Both of them had a long staff with four claw like blades. One of them pounced and latched on to our horse's flank. Ryan drew his sword and stabbed at it. The cat hissed and clawed at him before finally falling, just as the river came into view. They raced after us until we plowed through the water. On the other side Ryan and I looked back. The large human like cats paced back and forth on the opposite bank. Ryan finally turned away. He didn't say a word as we rode.
Ryan reined in the horse at a small clearing. Just past the trees I could see a vast grassland waving in the moonlight.
"We will sleep here." Ryan tossed me a fur blanket.
"Fire?" I asked.
"No. They will see us then." Ryan sat down and I sat beside him. Ryan handed me a piece of dried meat and a few slices of dried apple.
"It's question time." I said. Then I asked the answer that had been troubling me since I met Ryan. "What's your last name?" Ryan's head drooped and his face became very sad. Then and there I knew what he would say. I put my hands to my mouth, gasping.
"Peterson." Ryan looked at me. I was speechless with shock. My eyes filled with tears. I blinked to keep them back, but they rolled down my cheeks like a flooded river.
"Ryan," I cried," it's really you!" Ryan gathered me in a hug and I felt like a little girl again. I sniffled and remembered the time when I had fallen and scraped my knee. I cried and cried until a boy from my class came and told me that I would be okay. That boy was Ryan.
"It's been ten years." I sobbed.
"I know."
"Where have you been?"
"Here... in Airisoh. I was being trained to be a knight." Ryan let go of me and laid back.
"Why? Why did you go? Why didn't you come back?" I yelled as I started crying again.
"I felt that it was right.... and I couldn't come back." Ryan said.
"You left your family, my mom, and me! How could you. Do you know how sad we are. Your parents lost their only son. They're crazy. They act as if you are there, but your not!" I screamed.
"Do you know how much it hurt to leave? It hurt a lot. Especially leaving you. It doesn't matter if I only was six or if I'd only knew you for two years. I didn't know why, but it hurt the most when I left you." Ryan roared. I shrunk back and managed to say okay. Ryan saw my face and muttered," I'm sorry." I snuggled up under the blanket and closed my eyes.
"I like you, Les, and that's why I left." Ryan whispered.
"What are you talking about?" I asked.
"I... never mind."
"No. Really what?" I asked.
"I only said that I would become master's apprentice so he wouldn't take you." Ryan admitted.
"You where trying to... protect me?" I asked.
"Yeah."
"Weren't you a little young to be making that big of a decision."
"Yes, but it seemed like the right one. I grew up that day. Now I'm not so sure about it." Ryan moved behind me. " My master chose you to be my apprentice and I have to except that. So do you, but I want you to have the choice. Will you be my apprentice?" I rolled over to look at Ryan.
"What?" I said.
"Please say no. I want you to be with your family and friends. If you say yes you'll never see Earth again."
"You did."
"That was different, Les."
Once again I had the awful felling that I should say yes. I opened my mouth to say no, but the dreaded word came out. "Yes." Ryan's face looked just as shocked as mine.
"Oh, isn't this sweet? The Prince getting his love for an apprentice." Ryan jumped up as a man walked out of the shadows. He was flanked by two of the cat people. I stood.
"What do you want Blackheart?" Ryan demanded.
"I want what everyone wants. The girl of course. She is of Earth blood isn't she? She is the only one who can stop me. You can't any more, Prince." Blackheart spit. He stepped into the moonlight. I gasped. He looked just like dad; my dad in the pictures at home.

Hey there TheWriters! I'm WD and first, I would like to welcome you to YWS! Glad to see a new face in this section. This was an interesting idea, you have here, and I'm just going to talk about the prologue this post, all right? I can come back and talk about your chapter 1 later, but I only have time to review the prologue right now.

All right, so you have an interesting idea. This notion of a person from modern times going into a fantasy world is not entirely new, but it is certainly interesting. And this prologue has the potential to be extremely interesting, but I feel like it's missing its mark right now. Why? I feel like it's abrupt. Action is good in prologues, yes, but consider what you've just told the reader. You've introduced a whole bunch of names and a complete setting change. Whoa! That jars me. Why is this jarring? Because first, when a reader begins a piece, the reader latches most easily onto characters. In this prologue, I get a brief glimpse of your character, but so much happens so fast that I feel lost and grasping for anything to latch onto. Second, you just threw a really important piece of plot at me in your prologue.

Have you ever read The Paradise War by Stephen Lawhead? Lawhead does the sort of thing of having his characters sucked into a new world, but he spends the first few chapters introducing his characters in the real world, referencing the strange anomalies that lead to the setting change, but giving the readers some characters to latch onto first. Then, when they go to a new world, it flows well.

You don't have to follow Lawhead's example. In fact, I urge you to try something new. But just don't let a switch this abrupt happen in a prologue. I would suggest introducing Ryan first and then later hinting at him being from a different world, having him reveal to the reader his roots at another time. Or use Lawhead's tactic of real world writing before the switch. Or let the transition happen more gradually--really focus in on the transition. Right now the prologue just has too much going on. We get unexplained loss and a massive switch and a whole lot of other information. I would suggest focusing down your prologue or taking more time with the transition. Make sense? I hope so.

Ryan was about to cry. His heart hurt with every beat. He could feel it pound in his chest. Tears welled up in his eye. He wouldn't cry, no. He was leaving his whole life behind. His mother, father, Tray, Leslie.... He could never forget her- even though he was only 6 years old. Ryan looked up at his master. The woods around him went very quiet.
"I am ready to go, Master." Ryan's master looked down at him. His wise gray eyes twinkled with sadness. A small breeze blew his white beard and purple robes.
"My apprentice, I am afraid that you can never be completely ready in life." Master's voice seemed to echo in the trees. "You are choosing the right path, though. Look around what does your heart tell you?" Ryan looked around. The sun was nearly touching the horizon. The last of it's rays hit the trees and rocks casting giant shadows on to the ground. Ryan watched his. Then he felt ready.
"I can go now, Master." The sun hit the horizon and a bright light surged forward out of it spreading until it enveloped Ryan and Master.
Police cars raced everywhere. The search continued for five years before it was declared hopeless. Mr. and Mrs. Peterson never stopped searching and neither did Leslie or her mum. As Leslie grew older she stopped searching, but the truth was that she kept searching within herself. Her heart and mind never got over her friend's disappearance.

All right, this is the switch I'm talking about. So, can I talk about characterization for a minute? At the beginning, Ryan gives us a clear impression of unexplained loss. He lost something important--he is devastated by it. See, your writing style is flowing well, but the beginning is not very emotional because these things are told and we do not see Ryan's reaction to loss. Is he distracted? Are there tears in his eyes? I would suggest honing on his personal reactions to loss to make it more powerful rather than just telling us about his loss. Additionally, the Master's dialogue is coming across as cliche. "what does your heart tell you?"? Cliche. If you're going to use this, you have to make the Master super original in other ways.

Otherwise, avoid it. At all costs. Especially in your prologue. And look at how much time passes here. We get the entire search and Leslie for years--it's just too much for a prologue, too much with too little concentration. It's fine to cover a large amount of story in a prologue as long as you don't dump information, and, kudos to you, this was not a giant information dump. You had story going for you here. I would just urge you to focus more on character and really consider what is important in this prologue. Maybe have Leslie reflect back on the tale? Ease us into it? Just watch out for being abrupt. You want to suck in the reader in your prologue, not overhelm them.

This same pacing issue also applies to the Knight to Prince section you have here. That section is a great improvement in characterization. Your dialogue is more believable, but I think it's time to slow down a little. There's nothing wrong with plunging us into the actions, but at the start of a story, readers are drawn in by characters. So pay special attention to your characters. More body language, reactions. Avoid telling and avoid jumping thought processes in your character. Suck us into your world while you lay on the action.

There were a few spelling errors in this, so I suggest a once-over, but, as I've said, you have good ideas and some interesting characters. But, to start, really think about pacing and character development. Very nice and keep writing! Please do PM me if you have any questions! And welcome to YWS!

Hey there!
Here are a few things I’ve come up with. Firstly, I think you mention the word “master” a few too many times in your first few sentences, take some of them out so you don’t become too repetitive. Secondly, check your spelling! You wrote “fallow” instead of “follow”. Thirdly, check your grammar! You wrote “Not” instead of “No” somewhere in this chapter. You should always read through your work before you post it.
Other than that I really enjoyed this piece, it’s slightly similar to the story I’m currently working on, with the whole “prince” and “kingdom” thing, check it out when you can . I know how hard it is to keep things interesting for the reader while using “posh” slightly medieval language and you’ve managed to do it really well. Please continue with this, I’m very eager to find out more

*coco

I Think you really did a good work and yes you should work on those mistakes but personally I think is a good story and I would love to read the next chapters.

Okay, it failed the first time I tried, so this will be less nit-picky, which can either be a good thing, or a bad thing. I'll sum this up in as few words as possible, although I could go on and on.

First, a suggestion to catch grammar/spelling mistakes,

Ryan watched his.

(should have been 'Ryan watched this') read your sentences backwards.
Next, there was a part that made me laugh and think 'what the heck?' at the same time.

"Do you swear to fallow the rules of being prince no matter the consequences?"

First, 'fallow' should be 'follow'. Second, 'rules of being a prince?' Okay, so it took me forever to get the part with the consequences, but the rules of being a prince? Somehow, when it's actually spoken, it just seems downright hysterical to me, no offense if humor wasn't intended (I get the feeling it was supposed to be super sober!). I also think that whole "Knight to prince" was a little too fast, slow it down a little, let us (the reader) get a good grip on something before rushing us through it. Maybe add some descriptions as to the room, let us into Ryan's head a little, all and all, slow that part down a little, make it more comfortable for the reader!
Third, Ryan's little stuttering speech had way too many "I's" and "...'s". Now, don't get me wrong, those are great when someone is confused, or angry or something, but too many makes it look trashy.
Fourth, I personally think Leslie under-reacted when she was taken out of her world and into Ryan's. I understand the part with knowing what you have to say or do, even though you don't know why, but common sense tells you to rebel and stay with what you know. I think she should at least try to rationalize things and make them a tad more believable.
Fifth (last one, I promise!), describe the characters a little! I know they were on a horse, but what happened to the other horse (I think there was two), but was the horse large, foaming at the mouth? And the cat-people. What type of cats, were they male or female looking, did their horses appear startled due to their riders? And most importantly, what do the main characters look like. I'm not saying throw them together right in front of us in one paragraph, because that also looks tacky, but maybe show us as things unfold.

And next time, post Chapter 1 as its own chapter, not with the prologue, because making it too long will scare the reader away. You nearly lost me at first, but after I got past the initial slowness, I was hooked. Don't let the action die down or un-hook your reader, because they won't be very quick to return if the beginning is boring or there is a long stretch of nothingness.

Now the positives!

It's got a good feel to the story, and I'm quickly comfortable in the characters' shoes, provided I get past the beginning, which is slightly slow. But I'm not on that. Anyway, although the plot is sort of common, something about your story, the characters, it gives me the feeling this will be something special, something I won't quickly forget.

You have a good array of characters, but the queen and king seem a little too... average-fairy-tale to me. Alos, the Master fellow, I'm not so sure about him. Something makes me think he's one of the people from the opposite army, posing as a good guy, then breaking back to his original side. Now, that may not be the case, but that's just the vibe I get from reading into his character!

Hope this helps some! Keep writing, because now I'm hooked, and I won't easily let go!