Corinth-Chapter 1

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My story starts the day the prince from Sparta came to our city to court me. That day I woke up unusually early. The sun was still in the eastern sky, and the rest of my family was having their morning banquet. The prince was due to come in the evening. Clumsily, I put on my favorite tunic, the one I only wear for special banquets, to the temples, and for when suitors come.
Courting was not my favorite activity but it had to be done. Some of the suitors were pleasant. The prince from Thebes, for example. He was very polite, but the way his eyes sparkled, it looked like he was laughing while he did everyday tasks. I would have married him if had had to. Father said we did not need close connections with Thebes. So no marriage for me. Yet, I was not disappointed, if I got engaged, I would have had to move away. I wanted to stay. The members of royal family of Corinth were all very fond of each other.
As I was about to stumble down the stairs, I heard voices in the East Wing. This would not have been unusual except that the East Wing had been home to my father’s father, who had been arguably the best king in the history of Corinth, before he died. When he died, my father closed down the East Wing. Anybody caught in there would receive the death penalty. So when I heard voices coming from that wing, my curiosity got the better of me. I stopped in mid-step, did an about-face, and walked toward the noise.
The minute I stepped into the rarely seen wing, I had a sense of foreboding. Whether it was from the damp walls, the murky air, or the darkness, (We had no need to light candles in this wing since no one was ever in it. Except that day.), I know not. I knew that I should not be there. Whatever the people were doing, they probably had a valid excuse to be there. I did not. Even so, I continued walking.
The voices got loud enough that I could hear what the people were saying. I turned left, then immediately dropped to the ground. In the open door that I was facing, I saw Maximos, he had his back to me and a dark figure was facing me. The dark figure was cloaked, but I could see his eyes. They were red, and flashing with passion. At this point Maximos was mumbling something about “tomorrow will be best because tonight is a bad time”. I stood up. I knew they would not like it if they knew I was listening. I relocated myself to behind a statue of my grandfather that had been made of him while he was still alive.
At this point I am obliged to explain what happens next, even though it was not out of the ordinary. I am dreadfully uncoordinated for a princess. I trip over virtually everything, and when sewing, I stab myself with the needle all the time. So as I moved behind this statue, of course, I fell. Then, the statue fell on me. I did not truly feel the pain because I was distracted, thinking Maximos and the red-eyed stranger would come out and discover that I was spying on them.
As I was struggling to get the statue off of me, a strong pair of hands grabbed the statue and pulled it off of me. I panicked, thinking it was my brother or the cloaked stranger who I had been spying on. I pushed the sculpture away from me and got ready to run. One of the hands that grabbed the statue put a hand on my shoulder. I turned. It was just Evia, one of the servants.
“What are you doing here,” she whisper-shouted, “do you not know the punishment for being in this cursed hallway?”
“Yes, Evia, I do, it is just that,” I gestured towards the room with the open door, “I heard them talking.” Evia looked into the door and then gave me a confused look.
“Miss, it must be that you are not used to being up this early, as there is no one in there,” I glanced in, she was right, “Now come along before your father has both of our heads.”
Sighing, I followed. I descended the stairs hurriedly, too preoccupied to think about where I was going. As I stumbled into the banquet hall, every single person looked up at me. The servants, bringing in food, cast sideways glances at me. The musicians stopped their playing for a second, and looked up. And, of course, the diners felt free to look at me without being caught and beaten.
Our table was a long one, as there were many of us that ate in that room. At the head of the table was the king and to his right was his queen. To his left was the crown prince, Nike, and his wife, Alyssa. Next to Alyssa was my seat and the seat reserved for the person courting me, if there is any at that time. Next to my mother, on the other side, was Calista and her husband, Philip. Next to them were Maximos and his wife, Sophronia.
I kept my head down as I rushed to the table and took my seat. I pretended that I did not see them all looking at me. Any other day I would not have minded, but I did not feel like making conversation when I had too much to think about. The thought that was in my mind the most was pondering who the red-eyed stranger was. I knew I had not seen him before; the eyes were too striking to have not noticed them. Maximos seemed to know him, though.
Before I had time to continue contemplating this, my thoughts were interrupted by noticing that Maximos was, in fact eating across from me. I considered that I just imagined them, but then, after close examination, I realized that Maximos was acting out of character. He was staring at his plate, and his hands were twitching every few seconds. Usually, Maximos would be talking or at least whispering to Sophronia. That day, he was silent. I knew that I had not imagined anything.
At this point he looked up and locked his gaze into mine. In his eyes, not red, like the stranger’s, but normal brown, was something I had never seen before. Fear was not an emotion I was familiar with then, but I could recognize it. And it was there in Maximos’ eyes. Fear. But there was something else, something I could not put a name to, something I still have trouble describing. There was a sort of hysteria mixed in with the fear. That gaze tortured me that night, and every night after that. I do not think of it much anymore, but I still have tormenting nightmares of what happened the day after. The red eyed stranger, the helplessness I felt, the, yes for the first time, fear, the blood…

That afternoon, our guest arrived. At first, it was much like every other suitor that came, with horses, guards, etc. He went into the manor to be introduced to me. I stood at the corner of the private temple room, waiting for him to walk in. Of course, my guards were with me, but I felt a sense of uneasiness. Finally, he walked in. From a distance, I did not notice anything unusual about him. As he got close enough for inspection, my eyes were forced down, as he was supposed to look at me first.
“Hello,” said a cold, yet smooth voice that was too familiar for someone who just arrived. I looked up. The first thing that struck me was not his abnormal coloring, light skin, the color of clouds on a sunny day, and the same color hair. No, the first thing that I noticed was his eyes. Piercing red.
Last edited by sspgcc1 on Wed Nov 25, 2009 11:31 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Life is a dream and dreams themselves are only dreams..."




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Hi! My name is Tanya,

I found your story very intriguing, very interesting.

The only thing I would like to nitpick about is the fact that you are telling us how clumsy she is isn't of showing us.

Clumsily, I put on my favorite tunic, the one I only wear for special banquets, to the temples, and for when suitors come.
Maybe you could say she couldn't get her hands in the sleeves or something. Actually, this sentence isn't too bad but I would really like to SEE how she is clumsy, not just be told.
As I was about to stumble down the stairs,
Perhaps, here, she tripped on her shoes or gown, and stumbled but caught herself.

So as I moved behind this statue, of course, I fell. Then, the statue fell on me

How did she fall? And how light was this statue of the best ruler in the world if it just tipped over and fell on her? So light that a servant was able to lift it from her but crushed the Princess?

At this point I am obliged to explain what happens next, even though it was not out of the ordinary. I am dreadfully uncoordinated for a princess. I trip over virtually everything, and when sewing, I stab myself with the needle all the time.

This is a good description because you are explaining but also showing. Good work.

As I staggered into the banquet hall, every single person looked up at me. The servants, brining in food, cast sideways glances at me. The musicians stopped their playing for a second, and looked up. And, of course, the diners felt free to look at me without being caught and beaten.

I kept my head down as I rushed to the table and took my seat. I pretended that I did not see them all looking at me. Any other day I would not have minded, but I did not feel like making conversation when I had too much to think about. The thought that was in my mind the most was pondering who the red-eyed stranger was. I knew I had not seen him before; the eyes were too striking to have not noticed them. Maximos seemed to know him, though.


Why was everyone staring at her? Because she was dishevelled from falling down? Because she was the Princess? Because she staggered? Why was she staggering? Was she drunk? Did she stumble again? Was she just lost in her thoughts? If yes, why didn't she trip in the stairs while she 'hurried down'.

That is all I have to nitpick about, hope it was helpful and please PM when you've written another chapter!

Tanya :D




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Hello, sspgcc1! Welcome to YWS! :D

First, a typo! "The servants, brining in food" <-- Should be "bringing." Still, not too bad! And... I don't think the servant would call her "Miss" because she's royalty. Of course, if your research proves different, disregard this! :)

Anyway, Maximos! It seems weird that he was talking with this guy and everything in the East Wing, and then a couple of minutes later he is sitting down at this banquet, looking terrified. If he really was in the East Wing (hey, maybe it could have been a vision that the princess had!) then it seems unlikely that she would have met him.

I find it very weird that everybody is staring at her awkwardly. If the family in Corinth is so close and happy, then why don't they crack a joke or something, even when they see her and she looks scared. It just seems odd. And why do the musicians and the servants freak out when she comes in? Is there a legitimate reason for them acting like this (a killer octopus is following her?) or are you just trying to make it look significant that she's coming in? (If it's the latter, you may be better off without it.)

Oh! I liked the fact that the princess didn't mind courting or being with men. That was cool, if only because I slightly loathe the man-hater stories that typically are there.

The guy is... strange. And why exactly would he be let in with red eyes? Couldn't there be any reasoning explained for this?
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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Hey you guys! Thanks for all the helpful review! Snoink, about the part with the man with red eyes, he has red eyes because he's an albino...sorry if i was unclear about that...Well that's all for now, thanks again!
"Life is a dream and dreams themselves are only dreams..."



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