No title (suggestions welcome)

7 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6040
Reviews 87
Every fairy tale story has to have its distressed female waiting for her Knight in Shining Armor to come and save her from her peril. Childhood stories told by grandmothers to their grandchildren about a princess locked in a tower, a wonderful tale about a common peasant girl turned into a princess till the clock strikes twelve, or the princess that can’t awaken from her sleep until she is kissed by True Love's Kiss. All these stories have one thing in common: They all live happily ever after.
Well I’m not like any of these silly girls who just sit around twiddling their thumbs waiting for someone who is never going to show up. I’d rather be the one scaling the wall, or fighting the dragon or wielding the magic wand. I want to be the one with all the adventures. You arn't given a happily ever after, you have to go out and find it. That's what I intend to do. Not like that’s going to ever happen when you have two guards trailing your every move.
“Guard, do you have a name?”
That morning I had asked my maid, Mary, to find out what my new guards names were. The one I was speaking to on my right, his name was Makus. I was seeing if they were like all the others I have had.
No answer.
Perfect.
Time for the left.
“Guard, don’t you think this weather is just marvelous?”
His name was Eric. I think that these two were brothers. They both have faces that look like they were chiseled from granite; high foreheads, strong chins, brown hair, and each were not saying a word.
Time for phase two.
All morning I had been leading these two through the maze of the castles interior, and we were now coming to the corner that I’ve been waiting for. As we turned this corner, I hung back for a fraction of a second to get the guards around the corner first, and then I ducked behind the tapestry the hung right before it. The tapestry concealed a hidden passage, and I had made it my business to learn every nook and cranny that this castle harbored, just for this purpose.
“Hey, where’d she go?”
I couldn’t be sure who was the one speaking and I didn’t wait to find out. I hurried down the small corridor that was hidden between two rooms. There were small slides on both walls every couple of yards. These were peep wholes that were hidden in each room that allowed the peeper, me, to go unobserved while observing what was transacting inside the chosen room. I stopped for a second at a certain peep whole and slid the wooden cover out of the way. This certain whole I had discovered when I was smaller and I had heard my step-mother, Queen Ane speaking to one of the maids on the other side. Thinking that we were either in the royal chamber or another unanimous hallway, I had looked out and was surprised and gleeful to have discovered my room on the other side and yet another way of out smarting my ever present guards, and one very intrusive step-mother.
The latter had come storming out of my bedroom, barking commands at Eric and Markus. For a split second guilt hit me for making these unsuspecting men become the target of my step-mother rampage. Her temper was known all across the land as being most formidable and anyone who crossed her was susceptible to it. Then it fled and I followed its lead and headed the opposite way toward freedom.
Last edited by Starleene on Fri Nov 06, 2009 6:36 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Jhinx called me old. Rude.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2804
Reviews 22
[quote]Every fairy tale story has to have its distressed female waiting for her Knight in Shining Armor to come and save her from her peril.[/quote]
This is just a minor flaw I noticed, but don't put in that last "her".

[quote]or the princess that can’t awaken from her sleep until she is kissed by True Loves Kiss.[/quote]
Another minor flaw. Do this: True Love's Kiss

[quote]Well I’m not like any of these silly girls who just wait around twiddling their thumbs waiting for someone who is never going to show up[/quote]
When you use the word "wait" like you have it here it makes the sentence a little awkward. Instead of "wait" why don't you put something like "sit" or something. See? I used "something" twice and now it sounds weird.

[quote]I want to be the one with all the adventures.You arn't given a happily ever after, you have to go out and find it.[/quote]
You just need a space or two between the period and "You" here.

[quote]No answer .Perfect. Time for the left.[/quote]
Okay, put the period at the end of the sentence, leave a space or two, begin the next sentence and repeat.

[quote]His name was Eric.I think that these two were brothers.[/quote]
Just the period/space thing again. I'm sure you see it now.

[quote]Time for faze two.[/quote]
This is just a spelling error. There might be another, but I don't remember. Use "phase" instead of "faze".

Keep writing! PM me when you have a new edition!
Ps. I hope that quote thing worked. I'm still figuring out how to use it. :D :elephant:
“If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country.” -E.M. Forster




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1600
Reviews 4
Well it seems aspiringyoungwriter managed to point out the minor problems within this, and I beieve it's right to point out mistakes.

But I want to say, please do keep this idea. It's always a nice turn-around from the traditional "waiting to be rescued" idea. I'm sure I've seen stories like this before but when I read this, it seemed new and exciting. I like how the guards seem "Buckingham Palace"-esque with their no talking. But like the protagonist, I too did feel a little sorry for them being on the receiving end of the step-mother's rage.

Please carry on with this. I would love to see how this develops, and I can sense some adventures are waiting for the protagonist, who I would love to see develop too. Overall, apart from the minor errors, pretty good ^^ Certainly held my interest.

P.S Hmmm.....I've never been too good on the titles front but when I read this, I thought "No Princess". Just a suggestion.
Avatar was not made by me but by a good friend ^^

"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere"~ Groucho Marx




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30280
Reviews 529
Hey =]

I like the idea you have for this story; it seems original and that's a good thing in my opinion. There's nothing worse than reading the same old thing again and again.

I only noticed a few things worth pointing out that haven't already been said;

locked in a tower, a wonderful tale

I think this would read better as two seperate sentences.

You arn't given

Just a simple typo - 'arnt' should be 'aren't'

You arn't given a happily ever after, you have to go out and find it. That's what I intend to do.

These sentences might read better written as;
'You aren't just given a happy ending. You have to go out and find it, and that's exactly what I intend to do.' - It's just a suggestion though =]

The one I was speaking to on my right, his name was Makus.

'The one I was speaking to on my right, was named Markus.' ?? - You also mispelled Markus.

wholes that were hidden

'wholes' should be 'holes'

certain peep whole

Same here.

This certain whole I had discovered

And again.

For a split second guilt hit me for making these unsuspecting men become the target of my step-mother rampage.

'For a split second, I was consumed with guilt for making these unsuspecting men the target of my step-mother's rampage.' ??

Then it fled and I followed its lead and headed the opposite way toward freedom.

'But then, as quickly as it had come over me, the guilt was gone and I followed its lead, heading toward freedom.'

Overall;
:arrow: Like I said at the start of this review, I like the concept of this story.
:arrow: The only thing I would suggest adding is a little more description. E.g, when she enters the secret passage, is it dark and cobweb filled? Little descriptions here and there will help to bring the setting and characters to life =]

I hope you continue on with this story and that my review has helped! As always, my suggestions are just that.

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 2485
Reviews 14
I really liked this, but there isn't enough to leave a tear-it-apart review.

Well I’m not like any of these silly girls who just sit around twiddling their thumbs waiting for someone who is never going to show up.

I don't know why, but I really like this sentence. :)

You aren't given a happily ever after, you have to go out and find it. That's what I intend to do.


I really liked your story, but I'm not able to really give my opinion until I've read more. As of this, it's an excellent story, and I'd love to read more.

As for the title, wait till the end and use a topic/clincher. Those leave great impacts :)


-Rach
“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.” - Henry David Thoreau
...Do things to the beat of your own drum. ♥




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1854
Reviews 4
Hmm, this is my first review and thus I just want to say: wonderful. I like the whole tone and the language. The way you've written it on is somewhat catchy and it pulls you right into it.

I'm a strange gal so somehow I don't root for those "happily ever after" stories. I want to be surprised and somehow know that the ending won't be so obvious, I do hope I make sense, haha :)

Anyhow, keep it up, I loved it!
"I often turn around and look over my shoulder, yet for some reason I cannot see anything but my own shadow."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3888
Reviews 41
Lovely! All of the minor mistakes have been pointed out already, so i won't bother with it, will be waiting for the next one because this seems like it will be fantastic!
I hate cynicism -- it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, amazing things will happen. - Conan O'Brien



We're all stories in the end.
— 11th Doctor