Shadowdance ((NEW)) 2

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Chaptter numero 2! It's pretty short. You basically need to read chapter 1 to know what's going on...buuuuuuuuuuut, chatper 1 isn't that long either.
Please review :)

“Master Lixen,” we chanted in unison. There were twenty of us in a small room that contained only one faint candle. The candle’s flickering light cast Lixen’s wiry shadow onto the wall as he walked in the arched door. We stood in rows, with Xenos and I side by side, like usual. Master Lixen nodded once and motioned for us to be released from our stance of attention. We stood there uneasily for a moment, the awful weight of pure silence resting on our bodies.

The Master took a seat at his marble desk, and then sighed. His hawk-like face pierced us all individually. He had unnaturally stunning blue eyes with beautiful dark violet looking as if it was trying to seep its way into his pupil. The candle flickered once more, and his brow furrowed as he made and opening motion with his hand. At once, the flame was the size of an apple and blazing brightly. I had temporarily forgotten Master Lixen was trained in the Elements.

After we listened to the flame crackle lightly for a moment, Master Lixen spoke.

“I regret to inform you this,” he began, “But today, three of you will die.” The room instantly became statues. The skills we had learned from our training suddenly made us anxious. We wanted to kill someone else before they could kill us. The instincts they had placed in us were almost a disadvantage to the teachers sometimes.

“You all have excelled in Bloodtraining,” he continued, “But soon you must know the class will be narrowed down to fifteen. We can only have so many super powerful beings running around.” I felt the power that bonded my weapon to me surge through my bones. The feeling was a thousand times stronger than any adrenaline rush a human could have. If not for the strict training I had went through, I would’ve been twitching and moving at speeds barely visible to the naked eye. Instead I, like everyone else, was rigid and taunt, waiting for our duties.

“The second I leave this room, and the light is extinguished, the fight will begin. Once three have passed on, you will physically not be able to kill anyone. This room will expand, but your senses will, for the most part, be rendered useless. You must rely on what you cannot see, and what you cannot hear to fill in the blanks for you,” Master Lixen said.

He looked weary, even though he had stopped his aging process to make him look like he was thirty something. Still, a strange sadness bore into his all powerful eyes. It was weird, and I knew I had to be imagining it. Usually, the teachers were merciless, but at this moment, I wondered if I was piercing the façade. The second I started thinking about this, Lixen left the room and the light was disappeared.

For once moment, the only thing you could hear was the sound of darkness being used to summon the bonded weapons. I was late on the draw, I knew since I was the one to make the deep whooshing noise. That’s when I realized what I great disadvantage I was in. They could all pinpoint my exact positioning because of the fact I had made the loudest noise, last.

I swore to myself but then just laughed.

“Come and get me,” I yelled. The sound waves echoed endlessly as I faced eighteen invisible enemies. I clutched my swords tightly and grinned. The power pulsed through me once more, heightening every sense. I could hear their feet trying to quietly shuffle towards me, and I was amazed at the fact some of them hadn’t bumped into each other yet. Pathetic excuses for assassins, I thought. And then, I sensed the first swing of a weapon coming my way.
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Hello. Hope I'm not too harsh but theres a few things a proof or two would have picked up.

Silversun wrote:We stood in rows, with Xenos and I side by side, like usual. Master Lixen nodded once and motioned for us to be released from our stance of attention. We stood there uneasily for a moment, the awful weight of pure silence resting on our bodies.


this seems a wee bit wordy and even stiff. Revise.

The Master took a seat at his marble desk, and then sighed. His hawk-like face pierced us all individually.


Perhaps try something like "His hawklike gaze pierced each of us" ?

as he made and opening motion with his hand.


'and' should be an.

At once, the flame was the size of an apple and blazing brightly. I had temporarily forgotten Master Lixen was trained in the Elements.


An apple? come on... if it was shaped like an apple you could use 'an apple' but as a scale for sizes theres a better way to describe the flame, unless of course it transfigured into some sort of apple? Furthermore, how on earth could someone 'temorarily forget there master wa trained in the elements. subtly drop this piece of information in like " Master Lixed illustrated his skillful manipulation of the element" or something like that.


After we listened to the flame crackle lightly for a moment, Master Lixen spoke.


un-needed try just "Master Lixen spoke" or "Master Lixen spoke over the crackling flames"

The room instantly became statues.


Scrape it. I hate to see this hackeneyed 'we became statues' line. It seems to appear in even the best literature. I almost prefer the 'everybody froze' line. Try something like everyone sat still, perhaps afraid that the first to move will be the first to die"

"... to fill in the blanks for you,” Master Lixen said.


we know who was talking lose the speech tag.

He looked weary, even though he had stopped his aging process to make him look like he was thirty something. Still, a strange sadness bore into his all powerful eyes. It was weird, and I knew I had to be imagining it. Usually, the teachers were merciless, but at this moment, I wondered if I was piercing the façade. The second I started thinking about this, Lixen left the room and the light was disappeared.


This seem unimportant and delays the action. Try someting more concise like
"Lixen stood, his gaunt face and piercing eyes seemed to resonate sorrow for a moment, it was unlike any of the elders(or teachers?) to care for the passing of their weaker decipiles. He turned away and the light dissapeared"

For once moment


For one moment?

what I great disadvantage I was in


typo.

I swore to myself but then just laughed.


This seems unrealistic. perhaps have him sigh.

The story is compelling but there are too many unrelated observations and the dialogue seems a little stiff. Tighten it up a little.
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Hey =]

I'm back to review part two, although the reviewer above already seems to have pointed out everything that I had planned to.

I like the way the story is progressing, it still interests me =]

The only thing I would suggest, though, is to maybe add a little more of the MC's emotion. How does she feel, knowing that she could die? - Though she seems pretty confident. Is she worried that Xenos might get hurt or die? A little more emotion will help to make your character seem more realistic and will enable the reader to sympathise with them - not want your MC to get hurt.

Also, how do the rest of the class seem to be reacting? Do some of them look scared, confident?

Sorry for the lack of help, but I did enjoy the read.

xDudettex
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