e minor

 
e minor

 
Even though the steps don't
raise me, can they still move me?
I sit at the black and white piano;
my fingers are solid, touching & caressing
the keys, warming the strings. I am as
exposed as an unshaded window.
 
 
when i play, look for my soul.
 
 
Tripping and falling, glissandos and trills,
how can you resist the temptation? take
me, I whisper, and shape me into whatever
you want me to be. Like a warm, knitted glove,
the piano snakes through my fingers
and tells me:
 
 
hold on.

Ooh, I like this! I really feel like music has such emotional importance, both playing and listening, so I definitely approve of this poem. Firstly, I like the way it sounds because of where you've put your line breaks. I love this part: exposed as an unshaded window./when i play, look for my soul. Great simile. I'm not sure about fingers being solid - I've never played piano so I don't really know, but it just doesn't make the fingers sound very graceful. I would more expect them to be flexible and fleeting and able to dance. Again, a nice simile at the end, about the glove, and then a nice ending, to find comfort through the instrument. You've left little for me to critique. Great job.

Hey Jared! Okay, so I am a pianist too, so I can really connect with this piece.

I sat down at the piano and played e minor several times, and I reread your poem. Why is it called e minor? As you know, minor has a different, somewhat off melody. You could have named it C major or anything else major, and it would have had a better effect. You need to add a minor twist to this poem. I'm not quite sure how, but add something almost melancholy, or something unexpected but still beautiful. Make it scream 'minor!'.

exposed as an unshaded window.

One of the best similes I have ever read

Fantastic piece! I love your style. If you have any questions, pm me!

-Emma.

Jared,

Good to have you back.

The poem -- as I said in the Facebook note, I really, really like this. Not only because it's awfully well written, but because it shows marked progress in your writing. It shows a maturity and a true poetic vibe that I haven't seen before from you. From reading this, I think that you have a lot of potential in writing poetry, so keep at it. I guess the trick was writing what you know, and reading poetry -- two absolute necessities that I will preach of until the day I die.

Even though the steps don't
raise me, can they still move me?

Wonderful opening. Just plain spiffy.

I sit at the black and white piano;
my fingers are solid, touching & caressing

This, on the other hand, is kind of iffy. First, I don't like the fact that you described the piano as "black and white". A pretty boring, dry description if you think about it. Change it. Make it as lovely as the rest of the poem.

And then come the adjectives. Solid, touching, and caressing. I don't like any of them. Solid, to describe fingers, doesn't work for me, and touching/caressing are boring and cliche, respectively. I want something more special. The words should make me tilt my head and think, "I never thought of it that way before".

the piano snakes through my fingers

I DO NOT like the use of the word "snake" here. It nearly ruined the poem for me. Even if your exercising your poetic rights, a piano doesn't "snake". Too abstract, too loose. I much preferred the simpler "reach through my fingers" from the FB version. Much preferred.

Anyway, good job with this. I expect more.

-Kylan

Kylan wrote:

the piano snakes through my fingers

I DO NOT like the use of the word "snake" here. It nearly ruined the poem for me. Even if your exercising your poetic rights, a piano doesn't "snake". Too abstract, too loose. I much preferred the simpler "reach through my fingers" from the FB version. Much preferred.

Anyway, good job with this. I expect more.

-Kylan

Thank you all for replying. It's made me feel a lot better about this poem.

Kylan, I wholeheartedly agree with you. I got a B on this poem because I didn't have very strong verbs, and so I went through and marked all of my weak verbs and changed them. Snakes doesn't work at all, but I really had trouble finding something that fit. If there's another word that could replace snake, great, but if not, oh well. I just find "reach through my fingers" incredibly boring.

-Jared

I was wondering when you would post this!

Just a couple of comments before the actual critique:

-> Try not to use the passive voice. When you say, "my fingers are solid" and "I am as
exposed as an unshaded window" this is using the passive voice. For the last one, it might work, but for the first one, I have no idea what you mean by your fingers being solid so it doesn't work at all.

-> Use your words conservatively. Every word must mean something and must bring it closer to the pivotal moment in which you tear open the universe and reveal a glimpse of a universal truth. Poetry is all about opening up the sky.

Even though the steps don't
raise me, can they still move me?

I sit at the black and white piano; <-- I don't think you want to use the verb "sit" because it's such a lazy verb. When one sits, one is passive. For your poem, you used a question as a hook, but that's usually not enough. In the next couple of lines, you have to reintroduce another conflict which is full of tension. So you have to use a very active verb that sizzles... or not use a a verb at all. "At the black and white piano" is perfectly fine.

my fingers are solid, touching & caressing <-- First of all, I do not know what you mean by "my fingers are solid." What exactly are you trying to say here? For one, it's written in a passive voice (always a problem) and it uses a flimsy adjective to describe something. It may be better to use a verb in this case, instead of drawing attention to the fact that his fingers are solid. Maybe you can just say, "My fingers touch, caress." Less words (which is always good!), active voice, and more of an emphasis on the tactile motion of his hands rather than the fact that his fingers are solid, which is a confusing image in itself. And... um... lose the symbol. It looks ugly.

the keys, warming the strings. I am as

exposed as an unshaded window. <-- Again, I have no idea what you mean by this adjective-noun pairing, and the adjective, in particular, is truly damaging. Why are you comparing yourself to a window? When you say shaded, do you mean to say that there is no trees or shrubs outside the window? Or maybe the curtains aren't drawn? Or maybe the sunlight is exposing him (and if that's the case, why is this a problem, as nobody can see inside a glass window when there is sunlight out)? Maybe the light is on, the curtains are opened, and he's playing for all to see? I don't know! And yes, I know, this is a simile, but I can't imagine what you're saying, and that's not good. How am I supposed to know how exposed you are when I can't imagine what you are saying?

when i play, look for my soul. <-- This looks really random here. Develop the above and maybe this will seem more in place.

Tripping and falling, glissandos and trills,

how can you resist the temptation? take <-- You switched it to second person. And I can totally resist the temptation, thank you very much. I don't really see how tripping and falling is particularly tempting. I mean! Glissandos and trills always seem fun, but I could do without the first two. So here is where you need to either be a lot more convincing in your verb choice or get rid of the, "Hey, reader, aren't you enticed?!" part. I suggest the latter.

me, I whisper, and shape me into whatever <-- "Whatever" is a long word and can easily be shortened to "what" in this case.

you want me to be. Like a warm, knitted glove,
the piano snakes through my fingers <-- Two things! How is a piano like a warm, knitted glove? I mean... it doesn't even wrap around your fingers. Appropriate metaphors and similes would be nice here! Of course, you can probably make the metaphor sort of work if you wrote, "...Like a warm, knitted glove/the piano guides my fingers." That way, you can get rid of the awful "snakes" part and make that simile almost make sense! But I would kill this simile and metaphor completely and come up with something new. Maybe, "you want me to be. Purring/the piano reverberates and begs:" That way, you have less cluttered adjectives ("warm, knitted glove" is rather cliched anyway) and you have interesting verbs.

and tells me: <-- NO. In fiction, you learn to use "say" and "tell." In poetry, you are expected to vary your verbs to make it more interesting. In the above part, I combined this and used "begs" (simply because I don't like the way this part is fragmented). Because begs indicates a sort of S&M relationship (I say that in the purest of terms... both of you seem to be having master/slave relationships all through the poem ).

hold on. <-- I don't think this is a SKY OPENING FINISH. It's kind of anti-climatic, actually. Which either means that you didn't have enough tension inherent to the poem (which means you might be able to clean it up using strong verbs and nouns, with metaphors and similes which convey your thoughts flawlessly,) or it means that this ending lacks punch. Try revising the verbs and nouns and clearing out some of the metaphors. It'll probably look a lot better then.

So that's about it, I think. Good luck with your revision!

Hey Jare!

It seems like it's been a long time since I've read anything from you!

I loved this poem and I could really relate to it as I was reading. I used to be in band in middle school and I played the trombone, and I used to love performing and reading notes. Ah, I miss it...

But anyways, you really capture the adventure playing an instrument and in this case, a piano can offer if the instrumentalist just "hold's on"

This was my favorite line:

when i play, look for my soul.

There was something strong and beautiful about this line that I liked.

I look forward to reading more poetry by you!

Keep writing,

~ Angel

Wow, Jared and Kylan... all the old people I used to talk to on here... memories...

Anyways, I really liked this. As a musician, I can appreciate the thought and emotion that one expresses through their music. The very tonality of e-minor infers a mysterious, detached longing. Probably my favorite chord, especially on the guitar.

I was a little confused at the punctuation in the middle, the "whisper" part.

You should PM or Facebook me. It's been a long time. I still remember your ghost picture... funny stuff.