“I once fell in love with who I knew was the best. Now that I crushed him, and moved on, I find myself missing what seemed to be my whole life altogether.”
These were the words I softly uttered myself while looking at the mirror, seeing my sorry self, droopy, with teary eyes and everything else that comes in a sad package of a lonely woman. I never knew what I did to him would be the last thing I could do with a sane mind. Now, I glance at the mirror, seeing the effort I did, trying my best to replace the one true love I destroyed: Another man…someone I’m using to ease the seemingly endless pain and torment which I put myself into. So sad, really…I’m using him as if he was my morphine. And yet, for me to still feel the loss of yesterday after so many years had passed…proves the mortal wound I gave myself and I can clearly see that nothing seems to relieve the pain, let alone remove it.
Now I feel as though I killed those I kept close so dearly with what I did to the one man I truly cherished. I knew that it would hurt…but I never imagined the pain would last so long, in what seems to be forever. How I wish I can turn back that one moment in my life, even if it would cost my very existence, or what’s left of it, altogether.
Every night since that day, I felt disgusted with myself. Disgusted at how I looked, I smelled, I felt. I’m even disgusted at myself whenever I start to feel happy or easy. The guilt I carry just won’t let me stop feeling sick of what I turned myself into and what I did to him.
I struggle everyday. I’d drink myself to sleep, sleep around with people I barely know, and bitch myself up when I wake up the next morning. My friends told me to just stop thinking about it, but they have no idea how painful it is for me to have that one moment in my life be stuck in my mind and nothing else can cover it. Like it was this scar, this one big scar, that ran across my face and everyone would stare at it when they see it…and be disgusted at it.
I tried to get over him, I tried every trick in the book. Psychologists, drugs, comedy bars, beer, parties, hypnotists, you name it. If only I had a little more human in me…I would’ve tried the most humane thing right now: Suicide.
I chose this for myself, I figured I should at least do myself a favor and live with it, like everyone else does. I could not forget the sadness in his eyes that day…specially the tears that slowly slid down his face. Now its all too late.
As I gaze again, after being lost in my thoughts, I see the man I ended up being with. And as I stare at his eyes…just staring into nothing…I felt happy for him. He doesn’t have to put up with me anymore. I gave him his heaven, finally. All it took was one stab at his heart. A silent, smooth thrust and every pain he’s felt’s gone. Lucky bastard.
Now I look back at the mirror and…what’s this?! my vision…its getting blurry! As I blinked,water ran down. I was crying…Not because of what I just did, but because of how my conscience seemed to just want to scream at me the words “STOP” or “ENOUGH” in which I fell deaf to this past years.
I wonder…did I just kill the man I fell in love with? And I look at the mirror and utter to myself
“I once fell in love with who I knew was the best. Now that I crushed him, and moved on, I find myself missing what seemed to be my whole life altogether.”
-From the diary of a patient diagnosed with multiple mental disorders.
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I tried to say that the patient was diagnosed with schizoprenia, bipolar disorder, and alzheimer’s disease since the symptoms fit it.
