BlackRise

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I awoke, panting. I looked around, darkness. There was no moon out tonight. I sighed. Another nightmare to add to the list. Everyday it just gets worse and worse. This has been going on every since I met him...Andrew. I pulled the covers over my head and went back to sleep only to wake up to another nightmare.
...
I locked the door behind me as I headed off to school. I already missed the bus, my mother didn't feel like driving me, my father was off at work, and my brother has a hangover. I have to walk four miles to school. I took out my phone from my tight pocket.
"It's 6:50, great." I said aloud. I didn't bother rushing, I know I'm going to be late anyways. A few minutes passed. I was finally out of the noisy plaza and into the calming neighborhoods. I still have a long way to go. I don't mind. I walked in the silence of the early morning. My curly hair danced in the the breeze. The smell of sweet flowers filled my nostrils. I walked into a section of gorgeous Oak tree's lining the brick wall of the high standard neighborhood I had now entered. All of a sudden I got an urgency to glance up and I did. In the distance I could see what seemed like something dangling from one of the Oak tree's.
It was large. As I got closer I could make out hair and arms. It's a body of a twelve year old. I ran towards it. I finally reached it. Covered in bruises and cuts the twelve year old girl hung lifeless from the tree. Swung over a thick branch. I was afraid to touch her but I had to make sure she was dead. I raised my hand to her chest. I held my breath. No pulse. I grabbed my phone and dialed 911. All of a sudden a hand was upon me. Squeezing my neck with no mercy. My phone dropped.
I could hear the 911 operator on the other line. I tried to speak but couldn't catch my breath.
I opened my eyes. It was the girl. Her small hands were wrapped around my neck. She had jumped down from the tree. I tried to push her, hit her, anything but I was too shocked to even move my body. Her eyes were hardly visible.
"Ha. He hasn't told you yet. I might be dying but at least I can have one last try." She said, her voice so innocent but her words disturbing.
"I can't believe you guys are that close and he keeps his secret from you." She laughed.
I couldn't breathe. All of a sudden her grip loosened and loosened.
"No, no! Not yet!! I'm almost done!" She yelled.
I watched as her body started to dissolve. Slowly crumbling down. Her body being dragged by the breeze.
"I'm not the only one of my kind you'll encounter!" She roared as she turned into a large pile of red ashes. I stumbled onto the floor, gasping for air. I felt dizzy and weak. I couldn't get up. Everything was spinning around me. I closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep.
...
I opened my eyes. I was lying on the floor besides a pile of ashes. I grabbed my phone and quickly scanned through my call log. The last call I made was yesterday. That can't be I called 911, I heard the operator. I know that happened. I still have the red hand marks around my neck. I must be going crazy? I gathered up my thoughts as I opened my book bag. I grabbed the plastic bag I had put my sandwich into. I threw it out over the wall. I used my hands to get all of the ashes into the bag. I have to find who "him" is.

I listened as the tardy bell rang for first period. I guess I had only been asleep for a few minutes. I hurried across the street and into school. Let's just hope my acting skills are as good as my lying skills.




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I awoke, panting. I looked around, darkness. There was no moon out tonight. I sighed. Another nightmare to add to the list. Everyday it just gets worse and worse. This has been going on every ever since I met him...Andrew. I pulled the covers over my head and went back to sleep only to wake up to another nightmare.


This seems a bit rushed, expand your sentences like this. I think every should be ever?

I awoke, panting, I looked around and all I saw was darkness. I sighed, noticing that there was no moon out tonight. Just another nightmare to add to the list - everyday it just gets worse and worse. This have been going on ever since I met him, Andrew; I pulled the covers over my head and went back to sleep only to wake up to another nightmare.


Or something like that.

and my brother has had a hangover.


This story is in the past, has is a present thing.

I didn't bother rushing, I know knew I'm I was going to be late anyways


I still have had a long way to go.


"Oak tree's," should be Oak Trees, I believe.

It's a body of a twelve year old


If you say something like this you should say, "'It's a body of a twelve year old...'" Like saying something, otherwise it should be,

It's It was a body of a twelve year old.


I finally reached it.


This isn't really necessary. :)

Swung over a thick branch.


I think you're describing the girl, right? If you are then it should be something like,

Covered in bruises and cuts the twelve year old girl hung lifeless from the tree, swung over a thick branch.


I did a lot of nick-picking! Anyways, it needs a lot of revision and editing, not a bad thing - every story does! It needs more description, how tall was the oak tree? What kind of hair did the girl have? A lot of the sentences were short and just...bleh. Instead of using short, bleh sentences, expand them and make them into GREAT, AWESOME! stories. Sorry for the caps - it was necessary.

Try to use a little more emotions and such, it seems rather empty. I liked the last paragraph, it seems a bit devious...let's just hope my acting skills are as good as my lying skills! Haha, nice! I can't wait for the update, be sure to PM me and tell me when you revise and edit the story - I'm more than willing to re-review. Or you could use my thread (found in signature).

Overall, it had a good plot but just the wording and grammar isn't very good. Just read the story over a couple of times and see what I mean.

Rating - 2/5 for grammar and such, and for the plot and idea - 4/5.

Logan.
"People are afraid to die, but are also afraid to live."

[•_•]
robot fayce



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