Lunatic

You are the moon
That pulls my wave collectively.
Towards your beaming beauty,
I lay my restless soul.

Let me loose myself for you,
even if it's just for one,
beautiful, transcendent moment.

What did pain matter?
I just don't want to miss your light.

Call me crazy, call me blind.

Hey there, Mel_!

I like short and simple poems. In fact, I like poems that are done well. They can be short, or they can be longer – the most important thing for me is that they make me feel something. You were going in the right direction, but I wasn't impressed enough just yet. But this wasn't a hopeless case or anything like that, haha. I don't know how much it comforts you right now, but I'm certain that you can do better if you just keep writing. You're already on the way.

Now, with poems – and especially short poems – it's extremely important to make every word matter. At least, that's how I feel. Every word should be something that can't be replaced with another, so people can't just write poetry with a "whatever" attitude. I'm not saying you had that kind of attitude, but I did have a feeling that everything about this poem wasn't necessarily as carefully considered as it could have been.

You are the moon
That pulls my wave collectively

I didn't like very much the fact that you used an adverb here – I've been told to avoid them myself, so now whenever I see one I somewhat cringe.

Let me loose myself for you,
even if it's just for one,
beautiful, transcendent moment.

Since the previous stanza consisted of two sentences in four lines, to me this one sentence in three lines seemed too packed. It sounds ridiculous when I say it like this, but I noticed it when I was reading this out loud. I also felt like the poem ended a bit too abruptly, so maybe you coudl try expanding it. It's a good sign if I want to read more

Hope this helped!


Demeter
x

hey there..im so glad that you crticized my work, just what i badly needed..

thank you for the advices and thank you for giving me a direct and constructive criticism..

Godbless!