Hm, let's see. I'm not too sure I can thoroughly enjoy this, for a few reasons! I think it's a little cliche. Cliches in writing have sort of overtaken writing, and it's kind of blase to keep reading so many cliche things. It gets to a point where it sort of becomes original. I think that this poem could use a lot of varying up to save if from falling into the cliche pit of doom.
And then, love poems are just not my forte.
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So let's see!
As for the poem itself, it's okay. It needs work, and for the moment, it's more of a free-written poem rather than a lyric poem. Lyric poems can be set to music, often carry rhyme, and follow certain structures.
I think that you should try to incorporate some imagery and such here. Instead of just wording everything in the same way you speak, try to change up your wording, and make it sound interesting. I often tell people, that if you take all of your line breaks out of your poem and it sounds like a paragraph, you've got work to do. Use original language, use fresh imagery, use lively similes, use poetic devices-- don't just tell us a story while you write, dear. We're looking for something new.
Remember that in-line poetry punctuation is the same as regular sentences; I spotted a few places where commas could be in order.
Good luck! Any questions, commentary, or anything, PM me.
June
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter
Helloooo. I kind of liked it, because it was disjointed and in an interesting format, but then I kind of didn't, because you used a lot of phrases I've read before. Read through it again and find the things you've seen before, get rid of them and be original. And separate the pre-kiss and post-kiss. And then PM me because I think it could be really good xx
- Mistrust All Enterprises That Require New Clothes -
