The mark......part one

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Last edited by jane forest on Mon Nov 02, 2009 11:37 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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OK, I am going to write in bold whatever I found was an error.
Selcky Coydaiy awoke on Sunday September 10 2008, it was pray day as she called it, the day the whole tribe would pray to the gods, for anything,

an expectant mother would pray for a safe birth of her child,

a small child for a pup or a bicycle,

but Selcky always asked for the same thing, that the whales came safely. It was a month until the " Celebration of the whales" the most important holiday of the whole tribe, as important as Christmas or Halloween.

If the whales came it meant good fortune for the tribe, they mostly came, but if they did not it meant something was going to go terribly wrong.

She seemed to be the only one to notice that the whales had been coming in smaller and smaller groups. It scared her, she loved the whales and some days she felt she would just jump in the water and swim with them,

but her mother and father had said "no".

It was disgraceful for the whales and would anger them.

But oh! How she wanted to!

The whales were so beautiful, she had whale things all over her room, dolls, pictures, book, toys, figurines. Her mom had told her it was a wise choice for a favorite animal.

You make mistakes with full stops, commas, and capitals. But the rest is good.
I would love to read more of your story! :D
Enjoy every moment of your life; you never know when it might come to an end...




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Hi!!

I really like this story. It's quite interesting. Though, I think it fits in better in the 'Fantasy section.
Baron has already commented on the grammar, so here's some little nitpicks from me. (NOt on grammar though)

I like the small style of each chapter, but if it is very small, one would sort of lose interest.
she had whale things all over her room, dolls, pictures, book, toys, figurines. Her mom had told her it was a wise choice for a favorite animal.

The use of 'whale things' is slightly childish. I would suggest : She had pictures of whales all over her room, books etc.
'Pray Day' should be capitalized. I know the capitalization remark is redundant, but be careful next time :)

Good work! I would love to read more! :)
~Lava.
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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thank you both for you criticism, i highly enjoy have a little fan club of sorts, and i have made changes were i feel necessary. :D




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hey check out part two and soon to be part three! :D




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sorry blah blah blah is my silly brother who forgot to log off so i meant to say check out my story!



When life gives you lemons…take over YWS with fruits and vegetables!!!
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