A Last Time...

This is the first romantic fiction i have written. Hope my readers enjoy it...
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Angad was a young, 25 year old marine engineer. He had just completed his studies and had come to Cuddalore from his home town, Mirzapur, for a short business trip. It was his first project.

Cuddalore is an industrial city located near the western beach of India. It has beautiful beaches with lovely palms.

It was the month of December; the weather seemed very pleasant.

After finishing his work for the day, Angad thought of coming to the beach. A cool breeze was blowing.

Despite the cool weather outside, Angad was very disturbed. It was his first anniversary that day. But he was away from his wife. His wife, Ritika, wanted him to stay with her. She had thrown tantrums and had refused to eat. Never before had she done this. She wanted to come with him. But he could not take her along, fearing what his colleagues would say.

“You care more about what people would say than your wife. If it is so, than I shall never speak a word to you. Your job is more important than our relationship.” She had said in between her sobs.

Unable to control his anger, Angad too had yelled at her.
These were the last words they had exchanged before Angad left for Cuddalore.

It had been two days since they had spoken with each other. Though they loved each other a lot, yet their young relationship was very immature.

“You fought with her, now bear her silence.” Angad thought, angry at himself.

He missed her dearly. She was his only family and his love was the only thing he could offer her.
No, he thought, I shall not make her upset on our day. But then, said his ego, she shouldn’t have been so absurd and should have been more understanding. After all, you are earning for her.
He took his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed her number. What does she think of herself, he thought angrily, I shall tell her that if she wants to spend her anniversary quarreling like this, then she shall have it.
Tring….. tring….
Far off, he could see something bluish-green in the sea.
“Hello?” He heard his favorite sound in the world from the other side of the phone.
Those things in the sea started becoming clear. They were gigantic waves, overlapping each other, coming towards the beach in an unimaginable pace.
“Ritika, I love you and you must never forget that…”

Then the phone line went blank.

Bodies of Angad and many other were never recovered after the great waves of Tsunami engulfed them.But their memories, and their love, continue to support the lives of their families...
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I am free to all reviews! do help me improve my story!

Bodies of Angad and many other were never recovered after the great waves of Tsunami engulfed them.But their memories, and their love, continue to support the lives of their families...

Holy heckamolies, talk about a twist! That was definitely not the ending I expected of a romantic fiction piece, lol. I'm not so sure this really belongs in romantic fiction, though. Perhaps 'Other' would be better? It's almost in the genre of romantic fiction, but throughout the piece, you see only that they had a fight, and then they start to make up, only for the tsunami to hit. Not very romantic.

The sentence structure was a little stiff, robotic. Especially at the beginning. The first paragraph flowed okay, but after that, things got choppy.

Cuddalore is an industrial city located near the western beach of India. It has got beautiful beaches with lovely palms.

It was the month of December; the weather seemed very pleasant.

This is this. It is this. The is this.

Blend them together, make them flow easily from one to the other. Don't tell us upfront what the city is, but rather tie in some of its aspects with the narration. Likewise, don't tell us that it has beautiful beaches with lovely palms. Show us that it has a beach by having Angad consider going for a walk on it, and use the same strategy for the palms. Weave it together. Show, not tell, remember.

I did like the twist, though. The characterization was well done. Found their relationship interesting, particularly the starvation strike bit. Not very often you see that threatened in a piece. The timing and pace of it all was good, too. Him walking, thinking, seeing the waves, her picking up, then the crash. Very well done there.

Just need to tweak the sentences to get them to flow better, get rid of the telling and start showing. For example, you don't need to tell us that their relationship was immature -- we can see that ourselves just by looking at their behavior. Things like that.

Hello!

It has got beautiful beaches with lovely palms.

This sentence would sound a whole lot better if you said: It has beautiful beaches with lovely palms. It flows better.

Cool breeze was blowing.

A cool breeze was blowing.

“You fought with her, now bear her silence.”

I love this!

Bodies of Angad and many other were never recovered after the great waves of Tsunami engulfed them.But their memories, and their love, continue to support the lives of their families...

Very unexpected...very sad. =( I agree with Dreamer that this is almost like Romantic Fiction, but not quite. Also, work on developing your characters a bit more. Other than that, you did a pretty good job for your first time writing Romantic Fiction. Just work on the "romantic" part some more.

Hope I helped.

Sasha

Hi! I just thought I would give this great story a little review

Then the phone went blank.
Bodies of Angad and many other were never recovered after the great waves of Tsunami engulfed them.

I absolutely loved the ending if this story. I didn't expect this at all!
"The phone went blank"
Though I would rephrase the sentence if I were you as I think you mean to say the 'phone line' went blank rather than the 'phone', I like the ambiguity of it! Did Ritika purposely hang up out of spite not knowing that was her last chance to talk to him or was it the tsunami that cut the line and Ritika was just about accept his apology? Whether you intentionally did this or not, with a little rephrasing, I think it would work well.

98812239930

We don't need Ritika's actual phone number. Delete it.

It has beautiful beaches with lovely palms.

I noticed a lot of time you wrote, "It was this... It was that...". Instead of dictating this to us, how about tying in the description with the MC's feelings and opinions? You could turn the "It was this..." into, "Angad thought this.... He felt that....".

I agree with the fact that you need work on your sentence structure, some are very short and kind of stiff. Try using connection so you can run them together and make your sentences flow.

Keep on writing (:

OxfordandOnyx

Hiya, again.
Well, lets see. Your story was very cute, and different. The fact that you live in India gives you the ability to venture into different places I cannot. You could say i am jealous! I liked the things you said, though I think your story could use some more character development. The description of how he was at the beach offers a nice picture of a man sobbing that he cannot spen his anniversary with his wife. I like it. I also think you should change the word "Humongous". Its a very childish word, and something like tremendous is a much better substitute.
One more suggestion, I think it would be best if you change the title. Its very cliche and does not really draw me in like titles should.
Overall, i liked it. I thought it was sencere and touching. I like your stories. You should PM me whenever you post a new one!
~Skip

Thanks for helping me improve my story. I am new at writing, and, as mentioned above, this was my first romantic fiction.
maybe it would have been better if i would have written that Angad fought the waves of Tsunami for his wife but then it would have become really impractical...
Also i wanted to show what all people had to give up when their families were lost in the Tsunami disaster of India. And i felt writing was the best way to portray it.
My fantasy level becomes 0 when i start writing, and unless i am in a very dreamy state, i tend to write practical stories with abrupt endings. i love these stories of mine but they are not liked by many.
So its a pleasure to know you all liked my story. Thanks!

This was a good one to read.Some excellent thinking towards the end.Also,excellent display of how young professionals have very little time to spare for family relations.

I don't know how many people noticed it,but I liked the change of intention when Angad sees the wave coming towards him.

What makes it really good is, that unlike other stories in romantic fiction, this one is short and nice.

Now that was unexpected. I wasn’t overly keen on this but I really liked the end. I think you might have a knack for writing things like this and I defiantly think you should try writing emotional literature. That is if you haven’t already done that already hehe.

All the best