Arya Poisonhold

5 posts
User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 2097
Reviews 13
Arya Poisonhold stepped off the dock and laid her hand on the hilt of her sword. Unlike most girls Arthur knew- she wore pants and welded a sword. She seemed calm amongst all the busy people and rushing sailors. She looked around until she came to look at Arthur. Arya's face softened into her thinking look and turned to walk down the dock to her father's boat. Arthur followed her planning to talk to her about the war.
The war. The King and the Prince of Light. In the west the Prince of Light gathered his army and here in the east the King gathered lowly village men to fight in the front lines. Arthur had to be careful about what he said if Arya's father, stepmother, and/ or her stepsisters were around. They were long time supporters of the king. Arya and Arthur had their own opinions.
Arthur ran down the dock and stopped beside Arya, who was impatiently waiting for him.
"Hi" Arthur said.
"Hello." Arya mumbled. "Any news on the war?"
"The King won another battle and the Prince won the smaller one- out numbered again." Arya groaned.
"They need more men! They only keep fighting because they are strong and proud" Arya groaned.
"They need you." Arthur implied. "The King's men are coming soon and I don't want to go. I'm old enough that they can take me. Father will understand that I need to go to the west. We can go together. We can fight for what we believe is right." Arya looked down. "What's wrong?"
"We're going out to sea again tonight. It's going to be a few months." Ayra looked at Arthur.
"I won't be here when you get back." Arya nodded.
"I know." She whispered.
"I'll be on the butcher's roof if you change your mind." Arthur knew that she probably wouldn't. Arthur hugged her. Then stepped back to take one last look at her. Her brown hair, blue eyes, soft face, perfect lips, her smile, her leather tunic over leather pants, her well worn boots.
"Bye."
"Bye. I'll miss you." She said.
"Me to."
"Arya! Arya!" Arya's stepmother appeared outside of the cabin. "Arya are you talking to that mutty friend of yours again? You have chores to do! I can barely see the shine on the deck. Do them! Now!" She screamed. Arthur watched her pointy, pink clothed body slowly walk back in to the cabin. Arya sighed and left with a pleading look. She ran down the dock and Arthur watched her disappear into the cabin. Arthur turned and slowly trudged up the dock.
Arthur sat on top of the butcher's roof as the sun set. He didn't expect Arya to come. Still, he would wait until midnight for her. Slowly the stars appeared one by one. The moon slowly rose to it's position in the middle of the sky. Arthur sat and watched it. He didn't feel like leaving. Finally he rose and started to walk across to another roof.
"Leaving without me?" A voice said behind him. Arthur turn. Arya stood in the moonlight.
"Arya!" Arthur breathed. He ran for her and her took her in his arms. Arya stepped back.
" I've got a boat moored just out side of the gate. We need to go."
"Why?" Arthur asked.
"Because, the king's gathering soldiers are here."
Arthur and Arya raced through the dark streets. Arya drew him into the shadows as two guards rounded the corner. They passed without noticing and Arya and Arthur kept running.
Arthur followed Arya along the wall and to the edge of the gate. Above them soldiers walked past carrying out their night duties. Arya slowed down as they reached the jagged end of the wall. They stood on the edge of a towering cliff. Arya lowered herself over the edge.
"There should be a path..." Arya stretched a bit farther and let herself drop. Arthur followed her. Arya looked at him.
"This is it. We're leaving Renasin." Arya turned and kept walking. The path slowly headed down to the sea. The path stopped at a small dock. At the end of the dock a boat rocked in the small waves.
Arya pushed off of the old rickety dock and the small rowboat glided through the water.
"We're going all the way to the west in this?"
"No, we are going to Alderen in this. There we can find a ranger to lead us there."
Arthur nodded. He wanted to say something; he wanted to tell her how he really felt about her. Arthur dropped down on to the path.
"Let's go." He whispered.
The Writers

Death is just life's next big adventure.
J. K. Rowling




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1790
Reviews 6
Introducing myself every time gets redundant, so... I'm just going to start.


I'm really interested in where this is going. A romance between Arthur and Ayra? Battles? Blood? Gore? (Ewww. Ha.) You've got my attention, but it's slipping a little bit because the dialogue at the beginning is really confusing.

"Hello." Arya mumbled. "Any news on the war?"
"The King won another battle and the Prince won the smaller one- out numbered again." Arya groaned.
"They need more men! They only keep fighting because they are strong and proud," Arya groaned.

Arya just spoke three times in a row. Are some of those meant to be Arthur? That was really confusing, and you lost me for a bit there.

One question: Why exactly are the King and the Prince of Light fighting? Please explain soon. :)

Arthur turned and slowly trudged up the dock.
Arthur sat on top of the butcher's roof as the sun set.

Add a space in between these paragraphs to show a time lapse.

The path slowly headed down to the sea. The path stopped at a small dock.

Redundant. Use pronouns. (It stopped at a small dock...)

I noticed that happened a lot with the character names, too. There are only two characters speaking, most of the time you can substitute he or she in there and the reader will still know who you're talking about. Just don't do it all the time, or else it will get confusing.


Unlike most girls Arthur knew- she wore pants and welded a sword. She seemed calm amongst all the busy people and rushing sailors.

Get rid of the dash, add a comma.

"Because, the king's gathering soldiers are here."

Comma splice. Take it out.



I'm interested to see where you're going with this. Hopefully you'll continue it!

~ Kylie
a one-lined soap opera, babelfished:
"it is excellent, accept banana!"




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 2859
Reviews 13
Hello TheWriters! :)

I will be reviewing your story today.

I can see a review has already been posted, so I will mention some other things I noticed :)

First off, It is very hard to find a good Fantasy Fiction story these days, I usually don't review them. Your title is the first thing that caught my eye. now onto the review.

Nit Picks

Unlike most girls Arthur knew


this gave the sense of Arthur being the narrator. I'm not sure on how you could reword it, but maybe switching the perspective and making Arthur the narrator would make the story easier to write?


she wore pants and welded a sword.

I believe you mean Wielded

She seemed calm amongst all the busy people and rushing sailors. She looked around until she came to look at Arthur. Arya's face softened into her thinking look and turned to walk down the dock to her father's boat.


The first paragraph seems a bit empty, maybe showing us the docks, the ocean breeze on Arya's face, the old worn wood that made the dock. etc

Arthur followed her planning to talk to her about the war.


Possibly giving the war a name, besides "The War" It seems like a main part of the story, so giving it a more descriptive name may give a better sense of it.

The King and the Prince of Light

does said king have a name? Little details like these are what make or break this type of story! :)

in the east the King gathered lowly village men to fight in the front lines.


this sort of stuck out to me like a sore thumb, Lowly village men maybe extending this sentence into two or three, describing exactly what the king was doing.

"The King won another battle and the Prince won the smaller one- out numbered again." Arya groaned.
"They need more men! They only keep fighting because they are strong and proud" Arya groaned.


The way this dialog is written, it seems that Arya is the one saying Arthur's parts

hen stepped back to take one last look at her. Her brown hair, blue eyes, soft face, perfect lips, her smile, her leather tunic over leather pants, her well worn boots.
"Bye."
"Bye. I'll miss you." She said.
"Me to."


The description here was okay, possibly a bit more. It certainly grabbed my attention, but suddenly vanished with the simple Bye's

"Because, the king's gathering soldiers are here."


This too stuck out like a sore thumb. Maybe doing a little research into what these types of soldiers were called back in the time period?

Arthur nodded. He wanted to say something; he wanted to tell her how he really felt about her. Arthur dropped down on to the path.
"Let's go." He whispered.


He dropped onto the path after Arya pushed off on the boat?

Overall I actually enjoyed reading this piece, It needs some fine tuning and some revision, more detail is mainly it, a few fixes to the dialog, possibly even more dialog. :) I enjoyed the story.
I really hope this review helps and I cannot wait for the revision!

Please PM me if you have any questions!
-zerkk
"When then going gets weird, the weird turn Pro." - Hunter S. Thompson

"when all else fails and you can't extend a story, Ingest large amounts of hallucinogens or create a long lost brother" -- Zerkk

Demeter!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 117
Yo, a very nice classical romance fantasy begining. And was that evil stepmother appearing there for a second? Hehe. At times the the dialogue is a bit wooden, but that is quite ok, sooner or later, if you finish the story, which I hope you, will, you'll just use the editing scalpel and streighten out things like "any news on the war?" haha
Is this a world of magic and strange creatures, or a sword and intrigue human world? I hope we find out soon.
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness.
Robert Howard




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1408
Reviews 13
Hey The Writers!
I just wanted to say that I really like your story. Still there are a few things that I think could be clarified.

The war. The King and the Prince of Light. In the west the Prince of Light gathered his army and here in the east the King gathered lowly village men to fight in the front lines.

What exactly is this war about? It's nice to say that there's a war going on and all, but most wars have a reason.

Arthur had to be careful about what he said if Arya's father, stepmother, and/ or her stepsisters were around. They were long time supporters of the king. Arya and Arthur had their own opinions.

What are Arya and Arthur's opinions?

Arya Poisonhold stepped off the dock and laid her hand on the hilt of her sword.

What is the significance of the name?

I am really looking forward to seeing where you are going to go with this.
-Point



I want to always be known as the one who started the perry epidemic
— Quillfeather