Shades Of Silver

Shades of Silver fall from the sky

Majesty of nature, so fluff & so dry

I bury my face in the Abyss of the Snow

To cleanse my head of the things I should not know

I ignore the calls of friends & family alike

I reflect on my life to a special excite

Soon the snow piles up over my body

I am stuck in the snow sobbering sadly

I Regret, I Plead

I Scream, I Bleed

I dug through my sorrows

Trying to make it to the top

But I been in here so long

I feel I should STOP

I live in my sorrows, they pile up aboard

I can feel the snow climb over my corpse

This is What sad dreams do

To people just like Me and You

A Minute, Hour, Second is no crime

So live Your Life one day at a time

Don't be like me

Take the call

That is my last

Gift to you All

They say when you die you see your life in A Picture

I beg to differ, I saw Shades of Silver

Hello Tariq!

Interesting poem, I must say. However, I don't like the capitalizing in the poem. Not only is it unnecessary, but it's also distracting. It actually takes away from the poem. I also thing the poem was a little too lengthy and repetitive. Try to shorten it down. The thing with poetry is you have to describe things using just the perfect words, without rambling on about it. I find that if a poet is able to summarize complex thoughts beautifully in only a couple phrases, the poem is more powerful. Try to organize your thoughts, and write about the root of the matter. This poem seem more like rambling--semi poetic rambling that is. There is a lot of powerful imagery in this poem, which I really like. But I think you are having trouble delivering meaning through that imagery.

Other things I noticed:

--> Your rhyming scheme. You are not consistent with it. Remember, rhyming isn't always a good idea, especially for us beginners. It really limits our choice of words. Poems don't have to rhyme.

-->

I Can Barely Here Their Words, So I May Not Win

Here should be hear. Also, I don't understand what you mean by win. It doesn't really make sense to me, as a reader. You should make it clearer in your poem. I did find your poem a bit confusing. Remember, you may know what is going inside your mind when you are writing a poem, but your readers don't. I don't mean that your readers have to see the poem exactly as you see it, just that make sure it makes some sort of sense, that the readers are able to derive some sort of meaning from it.

I really liked the imagery you used. The use of snow was effective. However I do think you should not capitalize the words like that, it really takes away from the poem.

I hope I helpful. See you around!

Hi, I'm turity. First off, I love the title of this work and how it frames the poem at the begining and end. I don't know why but I love the phrase 'Shades of Silver' (maybe b/c of the alliteration or the image it evokes). I agree with mizz-iceberg about your capitalization. Get rid of that, because it's very distracting and serves no real purpose. Or do you have a specific reason?

I Dug Through My Sorrows

Change "Dug" to "Dig".

I like the overall image of a corpse buried in snow but there are specific lines you could cut to tighten the work. Again, as mizz-iceberg pointed out, make sure each word is powerful and construct lines that have a solid impact without being wordy. Edit and refine.

Nice read, keep it up!

You are such a good writer. I have a challenge for you. Write something happy!

Hey there, Tariq! Good to finally read something of yours.

Okay! Overall, I think that this is a good poem, and there are a few things that can be improved. I don't like the capitalizing of every word here; it's chopping up the poem, as capitalization places emphasis on a word in poetry, and since every word is emphasized here, we're not emphasizing anything and if we emphasize so much, we'll sound like we're reading from a dictionary.

So, kill that capitalization.

Another thing I want you to keep in mind as you write poetry, dear, is remembering to say in the least amount of words. You know how in writing, we use commas and semicolons and such to combine sentences? You can repeat sentences in story writing, but in poetry, try not to repeat so much. Repetition becomes boring.

By this I mean that you should combine stuff like this:

[[I Ignore The Calls of Friends & Family Alike
I Reflect On My Life to a Special Excite]]

Kill the I in the second line; because you can get the same message across without repeating.

Also! Remember the writing rules. Don't use 1 to replace One in writing; similarly, don'y use & to replace and in poetry. Write your words out, little brother.

Nice going. I enjoyed this-- despite it being sad.

Keep it up and write some cheery stuff.

Best of luck,
June

This is an excellent example of writing tragedy.

The man's advice to the world before he dies gave something to think about.The advice on how we could not end up like that man gave something to really think about.

They say when you die you see your life in A Picture

I beg to differ, I saw Shades of Silver

Excellent lines

Keep such great stuff coming.