Red White -Opening.

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So this is the opening of a story of mine that needs some help from you people. If anyone's interested or if I need to, there might be more to follow, who knows...

“I’m going to marry you someday.”
She raised an eyebrow, suppressing a smile, and he took two quick steps towards where she was sitting. Lifting her hand in both his own, he pressed his lips against it and looked deep into her eyes- fox eyes, he called them, for their sharp corners and hazel colour- with his own blue gaze.
“That is, if you’ll have me,” he added.
She rolled her eyes. “You know I will.” Delighted, he leaned in and kissed her forehead. “Even if you didn’t even bother to get me a ring.”
He didn’t seem deterred, and as a smile played on his lips, he bent down and plucked a blade of grass that was sticking up from the blanket of brown leaves that covered most of the forest floor, and began to tie it round her ring finger. Her heart thumped, but she still laughed, and he brushed the finger with his lips and murmured, “Sealed with a kiss.”
She smiled, looking at the makeshift ring, but the next few months nagged at her despite the happiness of that moment. “Do you really have to leave?”
His own mouth straightened. “You know I do. I’ve already stayed away longer than I should have, I’ll barely make it across the plains before the snow, and you wouldn’t want me to freeze to death, would you?”
She pretended to consider it, earning a nervous laugh. “I don’t see why your brother can’t deal with things in winter anyway.”
“He just can’t. And I told him I would,” he said simply, shrugging his shoulders and she understood. He was never one to break a vow and counting on that, she asked,
“You promise to come back?”
“I promise. As soon as the snowdrops come, so will I. I’ll march down your garden path with the reddest rose I can find in one hand and a ruby ring in the other and I’ll say, ‘Widow Feathers, I demand Rosie’s hand!’”
“Well that won’t get you very far,” she said primly, sitting back on the log and cupping her hands in her lap. “Mama will simply tell you that she doesn’t have a daughter of that name.”
“Fine. Rose Red.” He rolled her name around her mouth and it made her smile.
“Red will do,” she said wryly.
“Yes, I suppose it will,” he said, his face lighting up as he remembered something. He sat down beside her and lifted up the end of one of the glossy brown plaits that ran close to the side of her head before hanging loosely at her neck, and undoing the ribbon at the end.
“What are you doing?” she asked, but he did not answer, instead saying,
“I forgot something. Anyway, I don’t see what she’s got against Rosie as a name.”
“It’s common. She says you’ll meet a Rosie in every town and village.”
“I don’t know any.”
“How many Rosas and Rosellas and Roseannes then?”
He contemplated this, and for a moment she frowned, thinking of all the city girls he would be spend the winter with. “A few,” he said, smiling slightly. “But none quite as beautiful as my Rosie.”
“Oh, psh.” She loved the way he treated her so romantically, but even she had to draw the line somewhere, and she did so at being called beautiful.
He took his hands away from her plait, and in place of the white ribbon she had tied there that morning, was one of brightest scarlet.
“Red will do,” he repeated.
“What would Snow say?” she said, staring at the ribbon. Despite her name, she owned very few red things, and fingered the pretty little ribbon. He always gave her pretty things, and despite herself, she loved them. He saw that in a way no one else did.
“Oh, she’d probably be very disapproving,” he replied, having heard many stories about Snow.
She smiled and turned, twining her arms around him, feeling the coarse fibres in his tunic beneath her fingers. “You promise you’ll come back?”
“I couldn’t stay away longer than I have to.”
“Say it.” For some reason, she clung to the thought that as long as he gave her his word, it would be true.
He kissed the crown of her head. “I’ll promise I’ll come back in spring. I promise to love you and cherish you. I promise to marry you, and take you to the sea.”
She grinned. “Really?” Ever since he had first told her of that huge expanse of water, stretching out forever, she had dreamt about it and asked question after question until he promised he would take her to the city where she could taste salt on her lips.
“Yes. And in return?”
She sighed, knowing she had half a bargain to fulfil, and not one she would enjoy. “I promise that by the time you come, I will have told Mama and Snow about you. And I promise to love you for ever and ever and follow you wherever you go.”
They kissed and she savoured his taste of fine food and mornings, looking at the pink gold light surrounding them. “I should go, Snow will be up and wondering where I am. And you should start out because I really don’t want you to freeze to death.”
“Alright,” he said. “I suppose, if you have to.”
“I’m going to kiss you, just once, and walk away and not look back, it’ll make it easier,” she said, convincing herself as much as him.
“That’s a good idea. Just remember that you’re my Rosie and I love you.”
“And you’re my Dom, and I love you.”
They stood, and rising to her tiptoes she pressed her lips against his once more, for a lingering kiss, thinking of how she wouldn’t see him for three months. She smelt the expensive cologne she had teased him about so much, as homey now to her as the other smells he carried- of late autumn dew and damp leaves.
Then as she had promised she moved away, picked up the little handcart he had filled with wood and without looking back began to walk into the oncoming dawn, squinting, though whether because of the light or to hold back tears she did not know.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Hello there Stella! I'm WD, and it's nice to meet you. This is a lovely beginning you have here; your writing style thus far is charming in its simplicity. You don't seem to be one for lengthly, complicated descriptions, but you do provide a nice image, relying mostly on dialogue for characterization. A refreshing read. But on to the review. :)

She raised an eyebrow, suppressing a smile, and he took two quick steps towards where she was sitting. Lifting her hand in both his own, he pressed his lips against it and looked deep into her eyes- fox eyes, he called them, for their sharp corners and hazel colour- with his own blue gaze.


The part in red sounds awkward to me; it comes about too abruptly and I feel like the information is out of place here. It would be nice to know her eye color, but I would save the information about her eyes for a time when her eyes serve another purpose of expression.

She rolled her eyes. “You know I will.” Delighted, he leaned in and kissed her forehead. “Even if you didn’t even bother to get me a ring.”


Your dialogue is lovely, but it's easy to get speakers mixed up here due to your description of the male character's actions in the middle of your female lead's dialogue.

She smiled, looking at the makeshift ring, but the next few months nagged at her despite the happiness of that moment. “Do you really have to leave?”


The ring bit is nice, but I would much rather see how she expresses the few months nagging at her rather than it being told. This is a wonderful opportunity for characterization. What does she look like when she's being nagged? Does her face scrunch up? Does she frown? Does she look at the ring somberly? Does she slouch a little? Mannerisms are a powerful window into character, so take advantage of them.

She pretended to consider it, earning a nervous laugh. “I don’t see why your brother can’t deal with things in winter anyway.”


Again, I would much rather see some mannerisms here. What does she look like when she is pretending to consider something? Also, it is unclear who is laughing nervously.

“He just can’t. And I told him I would,” he said simply, shrugging his shoulders and she understood. He was never one to break a vow and counting on that, she asked,
“You promise to come back?”


Another spot where some character body language would be extremely helpful. Your dialogue is working nicely to characterize and body language is serving your male lead very well, but your female lead is coming across as dry. You delve into some of her personal thoughts, yes, but her mannerisms are lacking.

“Fine. Rose Red.” He rolled her name around her mouth and it made her smile.


Do you mean 'his mouth'?

He contemplated this, and for a moment she frowned, thinking of all the city girls he would be spend the winter with. “A few,” he said, smiling slightly. “But none quite as beautiful as my Rosie.”


Very nice. See? Something as simple as a frown helps me visualize this man better. I think you're missing something in 'he would be spend the winter with'
Then as she had promised she moved away, picked up the little handcart he had filled with wood and without looking back began to walk into the oncoming dawn, squinting, though whether because of the light or to hold back tears she did not know.


A nice last image, but the sentence is a bit wandering and it takes away from the power it has the potential to weave. Read it aloud a few times, arranging sentence breaks. It's a great image, but it needs some sentence work.

All right, over all, a nice piece. As I've said, your writing style is lovely. Not too overwhelming, but not too scanty with the images. I like that. Your dialogue is lovely and contributes to your characters' personalities and I enjoy the brief windows we get into Red's mind. My biggest suggestion here concerns the characterization of Red. Now, I know this is the beginning and you don't want to give too much away, but you don't have to. You can intrigue the reader to want to know Red more by using more body language. Body language and mannerisms provide questions for the reader to ask, questions that fascinate them, not answers. So using body language is not going to detract from the mystery you weave around Red. It only heightens the reader's interest. Red is coming across rather pale compared to the male lead, so I would suggest going back through this and using the opportunities to emphasize her physical reactions or unnerving lack of physical reactions to what is happening in the story. You give us many windows into her emotions, but these windows will be much more powerful when accompanied by some strong body language and character mannerisms.

On another note, this could use a good once-over for spelling and some clarifications with speakers and such. I didn't comment on the few mispelled words I saw, so just go through and read some stuff aloud. It will help.

A very nice job. :) And a pleasure to read. I would be interested in reading more. Very nice and keep writing! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!
~ WD
If you desire a review from WD, post here

"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas




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That was geat stella! you mad me want to write thanks!! i love your opening. :D when are you going to post more?? when you do message me and let me know!!! it rocks!!! :!: :smt003




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I did enjoy reading this, it was a very simply structured piece and the dialogue I really thought was superb.
Although I do want to know a little more information about why Dom is heading away from her for the winter. What has his brother done to make him travel away from his beloved? How will Rose fare the oncoming winter? I would like to see these questions answered while continuing your piece.
Only one thing I did find fault with is that you do not go into length to detail the surrounding world. Which, to be honest, is why i venture into the fantasy fiction forum. It would be interesting to see this piece set in an cold and lonely world of snow and solitude for the wife and contrast it beetween possibly the warm world of Dom where he is surrounded by his family.




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Hello Stell, the names Hero... the NewHero. Onto the review:

It's a very great story, in terms of simplicity but I think it would be good to have a bit more description. I can feel what your getting at with winter romance, it's beautiful.
Tell us though about the setting:
Is it in the modern day or more like in the post-middle ages? 1700/2008?

The writing is very smooth but there are some rough edges. Review your wording, perhaaps read it out and you'll feel like you just hit a road bump on a very good road,

Stella Thomas wrote:Lifting her hand in both his own, he pressed his lips against it and looked deep into her eyes- fox eyes, he called them, for their sharp corners and hazel colour- with his own blue gaze.


I don't really understand the part in blue, try rephrasing it. Maybe it's just me.

Stella Thomas wrote:“Even if you didn’t even bother to get me a ring.”


The line should be more smooth, maybe: Even if you don't get me a ring or Even if you don't bother with a ring.

Stella Thomas wrote:He didn’t seem deterred, and as a smile played on his lips, he bent down and plucked a blade of grass that was sticking up from the blanket of brown leaves that covered most of the forest floor, and began to tie it round her ring finger.


This sentence might be too long. Remember a sentence is one concept or idea in an idea (paragraph). Rather full top after deterred. Then say A smile...

Stella Thomas wrote:She smiled, looking at the makeshift ring, but the next few months nagged at her despite the happiness of that moment. “Do you really have to leave?”


Which months?

Stella Thomas wrote:...shrugging his shoulders and she understood

And ruins the flow, rather make it: ...shrugging his shoulders, she understood.

Stella Thomas wrote:He rolled her name around her mouth and it made her smile.


How?

Stella Thomas wrote:“What would Snow say?” she said, staring at the ribbon. Despite her name, she owned very few red things, and fingered the pretty little ribbon. He always gave her pretty things, and despite herself, she loved them. He saw that in a way no one else did.


Perhaps swap the two sentences? It feels more comfortable when a reason comes before a thought, surprisingly.

Very good story otherwise. Just remember to make it flow and of course, grammar checks and what not.

Thanks,




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Hey Stells!

Just popped in for a review!

Lifting her hand in both his own, he pressed his lips against it - If you mean he is kissing her hands then it should probably be 'against them' it kind of makes more sense.

She pretended to consider it, earning a nervous laugh. “I don’t see why your brother can’t deal with things in winter anyway.” “He just can’t. And I told him I would,” he said simply - These lines of dialogue are a bit confusing. I'm assuming that his brother asked to go and help him in the winter? The second piece of dialogue here should probably be something like "He just can't. And I told him I would help him." just to clarify it more to the reader because I kept thinking told him he would what? If that makes sense.

“Fine. Rose Red.” He rolled her name around her mouth and it made her smile. - I didn't understand the description after the dialogue. Did he kiss her? I don't really understand what he was doing. I might just be a bit thick but I just didn't get it.

That was all I could see that really bothered me. I don't tend to pick up on grammar problems.

Characters - Your characters are good. Even in this sort of short snippet I already feel that I know quite a bit about them and what their personalities are like, so good job on that.

Pacing - Your pacing is good. I like how you introduced the fact he was leaving and then how she has not told Snow and her mother yet. It was good because the information didn't feel like an info dump or like you had just shoved it in there. It kind of naturally came about in the story.

Dialogue - Your dialogue was good! I am generally very picky with dialogue because bad dialogue just really annoys me. You kept it natural and didn't info dump in your dialogue. As I pointed out there was one bit where the reader even needed a bit more information but other than that it was on the whole good.

Description - I think this is somewhere where you could improve slightly. Some of the description at times could be a bit confusing just because of the way in which you write it. I tended to have to read over sentences a few times to fully understand what was happening. I think you are doing what I do sometimes, which is that you get tangled up in your sentences or that your sentences become too long and wandering. So just watch that and perhaps try and read it out to yourself because by doing that you may be able to catch some of the awkward sentences.

Overall though I enjoyed it and I would really like it if you continued. I want to know what happens and why she hasn't told snow and her mother about him and what will happen when she does and if he will come back to her like he promised. So please write more? :)

Any questions or if you need any help just PM me.
Bex x
'The creation of a single world comes from a huge number of fragments and chaos.' - Hayao Miyazaki




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I like your characters,I see can see you've drawn them well together,and am looking forward to what happens next. I can't wait to see how you mold this story, and I think you started it off pretty well. I'm a little confused in why he has to leave at all though, I mean he has to help his brother becasue of the snow. Oh well looking forward to how this plays out.




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This was truly adorable! I like the way you write: you confused me in the beginning, but in the end everything played out. Good job! I am so very jealous that i don't have a boy like that. ha ha
~Classy



Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space.
— Dr. Amelia Brand, Interstellar