life after lapse

sooo this is only my second poem I've submitted, I know it needs a lot of work, and a better ending, but I like how it's going so far. Constructive critisism is appreciated!!


You say that I keep you
like a bird in a cage
I hide you from the strangers
but you still want a change
If I opened up my fingers
you would fly away
but you'd come back eventually
ya, it would be okay
Your skin tone matches
the paint on the wall
colourless and lifeless
like an antique china doll
I know that you're unhappy
I don't try half as hard
but you still stay sweet to me
you're like an all day greeting card
You know when things get awful
I'll jump on the next train back
ya, I'll fight away the monsters
when everything goes black
you've completed me
I hope you stay with me
hope
you
stay
by
me
you taught me how to be

I really liked that. It rhymed well, and really made me think. I can definitely relate to that. I didn't see any grammatical errors, and I was glad it was short. I needed to review some things and I saw it and thought, "Hmm, this looks interesting." and it was! Great job! It was very well written!

Forestqueen808 wrote:I really liked that. It rhymed well, and really made me think. I can definitely relate to that. I didn't see any grammatical errors, and I was glad it was short. I needed to review some things and I saw it and thought, "Hmm, this looks interesting." and it was! Great job! It was very well written!

Oh, thanks so much! : )

Hey! Blu here!

Nice poem! But...

I felt you could use some punctuation. Not all poems have it, but in your case, it would definitely help.

but you'd come back eventually
ya, it would be okay
Your skin tone matches
the paint on the wall
colourless and lifeless
like an antique china doll

What???

I know where you're going with this, but I don't think it worked all that well. When you say, "Your skin tone matches", it comes quickly and unexpectedly, leaving the reader very confused. Um, I would take it out, but it is a really nice quatrain. I just don't think it fits.

I hope you stay with me
hope
you
stay
by
me
you taught me how to be

This was another part that I had to read twice before I figured out what you were saying. Your ending didn't create quite the ending I hoped it would. Beginnings and endings are the most important parts of a poem. If you can find a way to write a powerful finish, your poem would be really good.

Another thing I noticed was that your capitalization in the beginning of each line was inconsistent. You need to either capitalize everything, or nothing at all.

Overall, I think this has a lot of potential. It just needs a little work.

Keep writing!

~blu

YAY~!

Nice imagery *thumbs up* and I loved how it made me annotate it mentally and want a better understanding of it. MAybe a bit of puntuation and a bit of capital letters but that is about it!

Next time don't be so hard on yourself!

Lovells and marshmallows,

Aimee`

Hi.
I agree with what bludragon525 said--some parts didn't make sense and you definitely need punctuation. Not only punctuation, but spaces between each stanza. I think stanzas should be four or five lines long here, marking a change in topic.

raynelullaby wrote:You say that I keep you
like a bird in a cage
I hide you from the strangers
but you still want a change

This particular section stands out to me. I like the idea you are getting at, but I think some of the phrasing is off. I think this is something like what you mean...
You say that I make you a bird in a cage,
that I hide you from all the strangers,
when you want a change.

raynelullaby wrote:I'll jump on the next train back
ya, I'll fight away the monsters
when everything goes black

Love it!
If I were you, this would be my end.

--McMourning

Hi!

If I opened my fingers
You would fly away

I really like these lines, but I think the "ya, it would be okay" detracts from the fact that you've written a really good poem. It feels like some of the parts are just added as filler, so you might want to think about what you're really trying to say here.