SHAMAN - Chapter 4

Training

Lola, Alexander and Thomas were eagerly watching Marcus’s every move. He picked up his book and was handed a pencil and an eraser by Jake. It felt like taking a test, and he was getting nervous. Jake ripped out a page of his book and placed it on the table.

“I’ll demonstrate and let you practice on this separate sheet first. We can be as precise as we choose to be, but for your first journey, you should be very specific when writing the ‘ticket’.

First, you write the name of the person or animal you want to reincarnate into. Continue to the second row, where you add the exact date and time of your destination. On the third row you’ll write the name of the place or the coordinates to where you want to end up. On the fourth and final row, you’ll write how long you want to stay in your new form. You can stay for years if you like.

The first three rows must match for reincarnation to be possible. For instance if the person or animal you’ve written in the first row didn’t exist in the time that you’ve written in the second row, the entry is void, and you won’t reincarnate. The same applies if the person or animal from the first row weren’t at the coordinates from the third row at the time you’ve written in the second. It’s pretty much basic logic; you can’t become someone at a time or place if they weren’t there.

As soon as your ticket is finished, you sign it with your name. Your body will then be put in a shamanistic trance, while your consciousness is transferred to the destination in time and space you’ve chosen.” Jake's speech left Marcus’s head filled with questions. He managed to shape one of them into words:

“How can I survive if I’m in this trance for years without food?” Jake was expecting such a question, and was happy to answer it:

“Time isn’t constant, Marcus. Incan shamans knew this. They could control it, through their trance. It’s similar to dreaming; it can feel like the dreams go on for days or even months, but you’re only asleep for one night at a time. For example, I lived fifty years as a sea turtle, but when I woke up and took a look at my watch, I had only been out for just over an hour.” Marcus was shocked, could it really be that something so extraordinary had existed without his knowledge? He grasped his pencil and looked at the page where Jake had written his example of a ticket:

1. A sea turtle. (The form you wish to reincarnate into)
2. Wednesday, December 16th, 2009, 12.00 AM. (The destination in time)
3. Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean. (The destination in space)
4. Fifteen minutes. (The time you wish to stay in the reincarnated form)

Marcus followed the steps of Jake’s example and composed a ticket of his own. He chose a form, a time, a place and duration for a life journey.

1. A bird.
2. Wednesday, December 16th, 2009, 12.00 AM.
3. Somewhere in Toledo.
4. Five minutes.
Marcus Lee

After signing the ticket, Marcus looked at Jake, and was about to ask another question. The words that came out of his mouth were blurry, and the professor seemed to fade away too. The whole room became engulfed in a bright, yellow light, and Marcus lost control of his limbs. He had a hard time sitting up straight. He leaned backwards in the sofa. He felt his eyes close and fell into a deep sleep.

When Marcus opened his eyes, they were not his. His new eyes were superior. He felt a breeze through feathers that covered the body he was in. He was moving fast through the air, soaring high above a white field. His arms had been replaced with the broad wings of an eagle.

Suddenly panic struck him. Marcus didn’t know how to fly! He began twirling down toward the ground, in an uncontrolled dive. This can't be happening, Marcus thought as he tried flapping his wings, but it made no difference. He was sure his poor choice to become a bird would lead to his death. Just as he was about to give up, he felt something new. A sensation he had never encountered in his human life. It was instinct.

He beat his wings faster as he plummeted through the air. The ground kept coming closer, but his trajectory had changed. He learned to control his flight. He was about to hit the snow, but brought his feet closer to his body just in time and pulled up toward the sky. He flew higher and higher, alternating between flapping his wings and gliding softly, putting the wind to work for him. It was an incredible feeling of freedom. He was flying! He circled over the field, and somehow felt like he was looking for something. He descended slowly from the clouds and saw a little rodent running in the frost-covered grass at the edge of the field. Now the instinct was instructing him in the hunt. I'm not even hungry, he thought, but it didn't matter. He adjusted the angle of his approach to intercept the mouse, and in a matter of seconds, his claws had pushed through the flesh of his prey. He felt disgusted at the feeling of the writhing rodent in his grip, so he yanked the mouse's neck until it stopped moving. He flapped his wings harder to counter the dead weight, and landed on a road sign to begin his feast.

All of a sudden, his vision got blurry. The field and woods behind it was flooded with a bright light that blinded Marcus. He closed his eyes and felt as though a current of pure energy passed through him. His journey was over.

Lola was sitting next to him, and as he opened his eyes, her worried expression turned into sheer joy. Jake applauded, and soon the others joined him. Alexander took the liberty of filling everyone’s glasses with more champagne. Thomas seemed to be smiling under the strands of hair covering his face. Jake took Marcus’s hand, shaking it firmly:

“I wasn’t expecting you to sign that ticket so quickly, Marcus. You gave us a good scare. Were you flying?” Marcus, still in shock, nodded once. His heart was racing, much faster than it should. The feeling of flight had left him breathless. He felt an urgent need to breathe, so he walked toward the window. Walking felt new to him, just like flying had felt a few moments ago. Alexander got up and opened the window for him. They stood in the cool breeze, watching the clear night sky above. Marcus saw the reflection of stars in the snow, something he had never seen before. Everyone was quiet, giving Marcus a moment to breathe. Alexander was the first to speak, whispering:

“You’re heart is beating fast, isn’t it? I know the feeling. My first ticket was quite a scare, too. Wasn’t it amazing, though?” Marcus’s eyes were wide open, and he was containing himself not to scream out of excitement. He felt so happy, and Alex was right, it was truly an amazing experience. He sat down next to Jake and Lola, who were waiting, like Alexander and Thomas, for him to share his first journey with them.

I'll say straight out that while I did think this chapter was good, it didn't live up to its potential as much as the others did. It is after all his first time as a bird, and his first reincarnation. A little more wow factor could help. Let's go through it.

“I’ll demonstrate and let you practice on this separate sheet first. We can be as precise as we choose to be, but for your first journey, you should be very specific when writing the ‘ticket’. Here’s the method you should use when writing in the book:

1. First, you write the name of the person or animal you want to reincarnate into.
2. Continue to the second row, adding the exact date and time of your destination.
3. On the third row you’ll write the name of the place or the coordinates to where you want to end up.
4. On the fourth and last row, you’ll write how long you want to stay in your new form. You can stay for years if you like.

you shouldn't use a formatted list in speech, because you can't format a list when speaking. Just put the steps in as normal speech, each as a separate sentence.

As soon as your ticket is finished, you sign it with your name. Your body will then be put in a shamanic trance, while your consciousness is transferred to the destination in time and space you’ve chosen.” Marcus’s head was filled with questions, but he managed to shape one of them into words:

Here you've put Marcus's thoughts onto the end of a paragraph of Jake's speech. Marcus's thoughts should go at the start of Marcus's speech.

Now the instinct was instructing him in the hunt. He adjusted the angle of his approach to intercept the mouse, and in a matter of seconds, his claws had pushed through the flesh of his prey. He flapped his wings harder to counter the dead weight, and landed on a road sign to begin his feast.

You've missed a good opportunity for some humor. A conflict between his instincts telling him to eat the rat, and his reason telling him not to would be pretty funny, and how disgusted he is at eating it, even though he couldn't help it and actually likes it in a way.

I'll also say that I didn't get a sense that five minutes had passed while he was a bird. Try using shorter sentences, which will speed up the pace and make it seem like more time has passed in the sane length of writing. Alternatively you could add more, or just say three minutes later or something like that.

“I wasn’t expecting that signature, Marcus. You gave us a good scare.

I don't understand why Jake wasn't expecting the signature. he did tell marcus to sign the paper.

Don't get me wrong, I do like this chapter (and the whole story). It's just that there's a lot you could do to transform this rather generic "bird experience" into an excellent, unique and slightly surreal "bird experience" fitting of one's first "bird experience."

P.S: Sorry if I'm being a little snappy. I'd written the whole review, pressed submit, and my internet cut out and I had to do it all over again, so I rushed through it in a rather blunt manner. My apologies.

I don't have any comments or suggestions. But I thought I'd just say how cool this is! So many possibilities. What will happen next? I really like the idea of being able to turn into any life form of any time. I hope you post more soon.

Hey, it's been a while. I'll give this a shot.

General comments:

re-inca-rnation
This was a grab bag for me. I liked some of it but thought it could use improvement in other spots. I liked the idea of using pages out of the book, and the relative free form of the power. The execution could use some work, in my opinion though. Here was what I thought of:

1. hyper-specificity. It seems to me that a 'power' working through a written form like this would require a good bit more detail than Marcus writes down in this chapter. 'Toledo' could be in Oregon, or Ohio, or Iowa. Or... Spain or the Phillipines. It seems the 'page' would have no way of knowing this and wouldn't know where to reincarnate. The same goes for 'bird'. Bird could mean hawk, or ostrich, or penguin. Does the 'power' just guess? Maybe I missed something.

2. When I was younger I used to love reading a series called 'Animorphs' by K.A. Applegate. Thinking back, the writing wasn't awesome, but what she absolutely nailed was the experience of how being in an 'animal form' would be so different than being in your human form. Your senses become stronger or weaker (or non-existant). You would want to do things the bird wouldn't be capable of. The bird would want to do things you wouldn't want to. Struggles between the 'bird' wanting to eat a live rodent and the 'human' repulsion towards that instinct should create good conflict, but it was kinda lacking here, in my opinion.
The reincarnated expereince should read and feel pretty radically different from the standard prose and here it just felt a little bit different. It could be better.

Otherwise I thought this was as well written and engaging as always. Props.

-Pattycakes