The Half-Vampire (No love involved =P) - Quite Violent

Good day Chaps!
i started writing this story for an english assignment, it was supposed to be a fantasy story, but it turns out she wanted it to have a quest, I had already finished it and didnt want to change it so i wrote a new one and got an A+ anyway, yay! i thought I'd show i to you guys because i was considering continuing it. So, tell me what you think!

-GreenGiraffe

The Half – Vampire


I was normal once, just like you. I would have picked up this book at the store, read the first page and put it back down again thinking ‘Wow, that guys full of himself isn’t he?’ but I am not like that any more, for I, am a creature of the night now. Yes I, 13 year – old Ayako Yoshida am a vampire, well actually I’m only a half – vampire and really, vampires are a lot different from things you’ve read, for one, we do NOT fall in love with human girls, that would be just silly. Also we do not kill or infect people when we drink their blood. Pumping blood from a full – vampire through your fingertips, gives us the ‘Dark Gift’ as the vampire elders call it. Anyway, Onto my story, it turns out my parents were vampire hunters whom were killed by a vampire named Saske (Pronounced sars-kay). The vampire then took me on as his apprentice and he has been training me in the honourable ways of the vampire, all the while dodging hunters and sunlight. This is my story.

1
I stood in front of the campfire Saske had prepared and I thought about all those that I had left behind, my friends, relatives and teachers, well I didn’t care so much about the teachers except for my Literacy teacher Mr. Kaiba who had always been cool to me. Wow, the only adult I miss and I don’t even know his first name. I buried my face in my palms as I realised how lame that was. Saske looked around at me and tilted his head slightly “Whats up now?” he asked, the man had become a vampire about 200 years ago so he had forgotten most of his friends and family. “You wouldn’t care” I replied sullenly
“You’re right I wouldn’t” he rebuked meanly, but with a slight hint of brightness in his voice, as if he enjoyed my anguish. I looked away from him and I stared deeply into the woods, vampires have acuter senses than humans do and since I was a half vampire mine were better than a humans, but not as much as they would be if I was fully- blooded. I needed to take my mind off the current situation that I was in so I got up and walked over to the nearby pond, as I approached the pond, the moon shone at my back and I saw my reflection in the ice of the pond. Before I was blooded my hair was like any other Japanese boys’ short and black, but my appearance had changed drastically. My skin was a lot lighter and my hair was now long wild and greyish – white, I was wearing soft leather armour over my normal clothes and I looked a lot like some kind of medieval thief. As I crouched down to take a drink, I felt something dripping onto my head, I turned around and looked up to see what it was and a drop of it fell right into my gaping mouth. As a vampire, I knew the taste well, this was blood, human blood.
I yelled out for help as a leopard pounced on me from the tree, I would have been unable to speak even if the beast hadn’t landed on me and driven the air from my lungs. A leopard! In Japan! Anyway the huge African predator seemed to think I was dead, but I was a half-vampire and a lot tougher than a human was so I rolled onto my feet and studied then leopard more closely. I saw that it was about 5 or 6 feet long, yellow with black spots and a huge mouth hanging open slightly as to show its rows of razor sharp teeth. It had muscles rippling through its body, and looked as if it could rip my head off with one swipe. The cat noticed that I wasn’t dead and spun around to face me once more. What the hell was Saske doing?! he couldn’t have not heard my yells of surprise and terror. I was about to call his name again when the ball of fur, muscles, teeth and claws jumped at me. I decided to fight evasively and I rolled over to the right. I got to my feet and noticed an animal carcass with rib bones sticking out; I quickly broke one off and used it a makeshift dagger. I started circling the beast and when it was almost sideways to me, I leapt, using my powerful vampire legs and taking it by surprise I plunged the bone into its shoulder, maiming the once mighty predator. I rolled backwards then dived back in again; now using my sharp claw-like vampire fingernails to rip open its hide. It was now severely injured, I decided to make use of the momentary lapse in combat to regain my breath and find a large stick. I soon found what I was looking for, the stick was pointy and had a hooked end, I allowed my primeval instincts to overcome me and I viciously jammed the stick into the beasts wounded side. I was stabbing again and again, after about 4 stabs it was dead but I was too far into my rage to notice its obvious stillness, I continued to stab and plunge my makeshift weapon into the leopard, whose fur was now soaked red with blood. My own hair and face was specked with blood. I calmed down when I lost my breath, Saske came out of the bushes and said coolly “Congratulations, you passed the test”, I stared at him lost for words for a good 10 seconds before I passed out into blood filled and violent dreams.

Not feeling up to a full review, but, some points.

1) The fingertips. Yeah, its more original than the bitey-fangs, but Darren Shan already did that. Actually, Darren Shan did the 'You have to kill the leopard' too. Hmm...
2) Saske; is that the only name you could think of? I found many Naruto/other anime references, Mr. Kaiba, Saske, etc. I mean, I don't know anyone called any of those names; why not, say, look through a names list, and take something more original?
3) The action ought to be broken into different parts; I skimmed through most of it.
4) Liked the Twilight reference; 'For one, we do NOT fall in love with human girls, that would be just silly' XD.

The fingertips. Yeah, its more original than the bitey-fangs, but Darren Shan already did that. Actually, Darren Shan did the 'You have to kill the leopard' too. Hmm...

Yeah, i took my vampire attributes from Darren Shan saga, because they were my favorite types of vampire, but when was this leopard thing? i was unaware of anything like that.

Unless you mean Steve Leopard? do you? because I only realized that when I was typing the above comment.

I was watching alot of anime at the time =S and i like the names.

Interesting. I also noticed the Darren Shan references.
Enjoyed it and I like this kind of story.
Quite a few grammatical errors but mostly fine.

I think you should read through and maybe rephrase some things with a little bit more description also.

Such as

I stared at him lost for words for a good 10 seconds before I passed out into blood filled and violent dreams.

Maybe put 'I passed out into violent, blood filled dreams' or blood drenched or something.

Well, you need to change your beginning. The "I used to be normal, but now I'm not" is a cliche way to start a story. It then went on to tell us what type of vampire Ayako is, but you need to show us your version of the vampire. Don't just give us all of the information at the beginning. Give us the information as the story unfolds. When writing a larger story, this becomes more important.

Then I had a problem from you last paragraph. You really need to break it down into smaller paragraphs. The rule of thumb is to start a new paragraph when introducing an new element to the paragraph. Especially when there is action in a scene, the paragraphs need to be short. Part of this is a matter of personal preference, but most of the world values that element of conciseness.

The last paragraph also had a problem with interrupting the flow of the action. For example this line:

A leopard! In Japan! Anyway the huge African predator seemed to think I was dead

The last thing that I want to ask is: what is this story all about? It spends too much time describing if it is a short story, but it ends too abruptly if it the start of a novel. Either way, it needs more work, and I hope that you do edit it instead of just moving on to the next piece.

I'm sorry if you feel that I am being too critical of you. I'm just was giving the tough love that this story needs. I wouldn't have wasted my time if I didn't feel that it had some promise.

To GreenGiraffe (just to clarify)
In the Darren Shan novel, The Lake of Souls, Darren and Harkat had to kill a black leopard in order to find the first clue. Remember?

Hiya!
Interesting story, this... I'm quite into vampire stuff such as this so logically I had to review it. All-in-all great story! I like how its based in Japan (I LOVE that country!) and the attempt at an original vampire. (yay, no chick-flicks, or whatever they are called). I definitely think you should continue this, it's quite worth it!

Ok, now for the nit-picking:

The Half – Vampire

I was normal once, just like you. I would have picked up this book at the store, read the first page and put it back down again thinking ‘Wow, that guys full of himself isn’t he?’I like this! but I am not like that any more, for I,comma after the 'I' is unnecessary am a creature of the night now I don't think I've ever heard a vampire refer to him/herself as a "creature of the night", but I guess it works. Yes I, 13 year – old Ayako Yoshida am a vampire, well actually I’m only a half – vampire and really, vampires are a lot different from things you’ve read, for one, we do NOT fall in love with human girls Yes!!! Down with "Twilight"-based ideals!!!, that would be just silly.insanely long sentence Also we do not kill or infect people when we drink their blood. Pumping blood from a full – vampire through your fingertipsthrough your fingertips? You mean literally, or do you mean "through to your fingertips"? , gives us the ‘Dark Gift’ as the vampire elders call it. Anyway, Onto lowercase o my story, it turns out my parents were vampire hunters whom were killed by a vampire named Saske (Pronounced sars-kay). The vampire then took me on as his apprentice and he has been training me in the honourable ways of the vampire, all the while dodging hunters and sunlight. This is my story.

1

I stood in front of the campfire Saske had prepared and I you could lose the 'I' thought about all those that I had left behind, my friends, relatives and teachers, well I didn’t care so much about the teachers except for my Literacy teacher Mr. Kaiba who had always been cool to me. Wow, the only adult I miss and I don’t even know his first name. I buried my face in my palms as I realised how lame that was. Saske looked around at me and tilted his head slightly “Whats up now?” he asked, the man had become a vampire about 200 years ago so he had forgotten most of his friends and family. “You wouldn’t care” I replied sullenly. (don't forget those periods!)

Ok, I'm going to tell you right now that you've gone wacky with your comma usage. There are places where you don't put a comma when one is needed and others where you do put a comma when it's unnecessary!

“You’re right I wouldn’t” he rebuked meanly, but with a slight hint of brightness in his voice, as if he enjoyed my anguish. I looked away from him and I stared deeply into the woods, vampires have acuter senses than humans do and since I was a half vampire mine were better than a humans, but not as much as they would be if I was fully- blooded. I needed to take my mind off the current situation that I was in so I got up and walked over to the nearby pond, as I approached the pond, the moon shone at my back and I saw my reflection in the ice of the pond. Before I was blooded my hair was like any other Japanese boys’ short and black, but my appearance had changed drastically. My skin was a lot lighter and my hair was now long wild and greyish – white, I was wearing soft leather armour over my normal clothes and I looked a lot like some kind of medieval thief. As I crouched down to take a drink, I felt something dripping onto my head, I turned around and looked up to see what it was and a drop of it fell right into my gaping mouth. As a vampire, I knew the taste well, this was blood, human blood.

I yelled out for help as a leopard pounced on me from the tree, I would have been unable to speak even if the beast hadn’t landed on me and driven the air from my lungs. A leopard! In Japan! Anyway the huge African predator seemed to think I was dead, but I was a half-vampire and a lot tougher than a human was so I rolled onto my feet and studied then leopard more closely. I saw that it was about 5 or 6 feet long, yellow with black spots and a huge mouth hanging open slightly as to show its rows of razor sharp teeth. It had muscles rippling through its body, and looked as if it could rip my head off with one swipe. The cat noticed that I wasn’t dead and spun around to face me once more. What the hell was Saske doing?! he couldn’t have not heard my yells of surprise and terror. I was about to call his name again when the ball of fur, muscles, teeth and claws jumped at me. I decided to fight evasively and I rolled over to the right. I got to my feet and noticed an animal carcass with rib bones sticking out; I quickly broke one off and used it a makeshift dagger. I started circling the beast and when it was almost sideways to me, I leapt, using my powerful vampire legs and taking it by surprise I plunged the bone into its shoulder, maiming the once mighty predator. I rolled backwards then dived back in again; now using my sharp claw-like vampire fingernails to rip open its hide. It was now severely injured, I decided to make use of the momentary lapse in combat to regain my breath and find a large stick. I soon found what I was looking for, the stick was pointy and had a hooked end, I allowed my primeval instincts to overcome me and I viciously jammed the stick into the beasts wounded side. I was stabbing again and again, after about 4 stabs it was dead but I was too far into my rage to notice its obvious stillness, I continued to stab and plunge my makeshift weapon into the leopard, whose fur was now soaked red with blood. My own hair and face was specked with blood. I calmed down when I lost my breath, Saske came out of the bushes and said coolly “Congratulations, you passed the test”, I stared at him lost for words for a good 10 seconds before I passed out into blood filled and violent dreams.

Wow, I like this one a lot! A definite star for you!