Three & 1

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5407
Reviews 75
Ok, I really don't know how this will pan out, it sorta just came to me one night, I didn't describe my characters as much because I have been told not too, but I bet someone will say that I didn't describe them enough, oh well. Please enjoy.



“Good morning, Ms. Smyth.” Addley Teagan, the peppy receptionist greeted me. As I walked in from the blustery New Haven weather. “How's little Genevieve?” she asked handing me my messages.
“She's good, tired from the long trip.” I quickly lied, hoping to get away from the nosey receptionist, before the Black thoughts came back. I turned to walk away, in the direction of my office. But that snot nosed brat called me back.
“Oh Ms. Smyth?” Addley Teagan called, the company phone suddenly ringing. Her red lips curled back in a sugary sweet smile. “Happy Birthday.” she gushed quickly, before greeting the business call.
I smiled, it felt more like a cringe. “Thanks.” I replied, hurrying to my office before anyone else could wish me a happy birthday.
“Happy Birthday, to me.” I bitterly muttered under my breath, as I unlocked my office door. “There's nothing ever “Happy” about birthday's.” I grumbled walking into the dark room, and shutting the door. Breathing in deeply the smell of the gardenia bush, in the corner of the office, brought me a little warmth, the smell was intoxicating but not to a point where you were choking.
I walked over with ease to my glass desk, I could see in the dark and not trip over the furniture, because there wasn't much to trip over, even though I am the partner of a very prestigious law company. Called Black\Smyth Law Firm, we are a general firm, meaning that we do everything.
Dropping my briefcase on the floor, I plopped down in my plush roller chair. Running a hand through my thin honey blond hair, I took another deep breath and caught a whiff of something more then the gardenia plant.
I knew the fragrance I had bought it at Christmas time, the hot woodsy aroma made me sit up ram rod straight, my eyes and ears on alert. 'He's been here.' I thought, looking around the dark room.
“Happy Birthday, baby.” the husky voice whispered in my ear.
Letting out a little cry I jumped a foot, just as the lights came on. Quickly I turned around, coming face to face with my husband of eight years; Jason Black.
Yes Black as in Black\Smyth, we were partners in the same business, took different names, no one knew we were married, we lived very sick lives, and it was his idea.
“Jay,” I said softly, rubbing the back of my neck. “How did you get in my office, without anyone seeing you?” I asked looking around, the blinds were closed.
He smiled a smug smile, leaning down he took my chin in between his meaty fingers and kissed me soundly on the lips, it wasn't a quick little peck either.
He broke away, still smiling that smug ass smile, he was known for. “It was a very busy morning, Sabrina, no one saw me.” he was sure.
I in return only smiled, I have never been able to trust my husband. I noticed he held something behind his back, and my smile grew. “Is that a present for me, darling?” I asked sweetly, feeling giddy that I was to get two presents in one day. One from my husband and one from my little girl.
Taking his hand from behind his back, he presented me with a square pink wrapped box, with a silver bow. I reached for it, but he withdrew it out of my grasp, wagging his finger at me.
“Tsk, tsk Sabrina, it's not nice to take things away from other people.” he said in a mock scolding tone. I leaned back in my chair, folding my arms I waited patiently.
“Now, what will you give me in return for your present?” he asked, his dark eyebrows wiggling raunchily.
I sat forward, resting my elbows on my panty hose covered knees. “A kiss?” I asked, he shook his head. “A couple kisses?” again another shake.
I thought for a moment, and then it hit me. I inhaled sharply. “You want to have sex, in exchange for my birthday present?” I hissed, standing to my feet.
I looked like a midget compared to Jay, but I felt like a giant when I had my feet planted firmly on the ground and my hands on my hips.
“Baby, it's fair. You get what you want and I get what I want.” he said forcefully, pushing me back down in my chair.
I rolled my big brown eyes. “Piss off Jay, I'm not going to have sex with you in my office where anyone can just stroll right in.” I growled, spinning my chair around I opened my briefcase. “Besides, shouldn't you save yourself for one; Addley Teagan. She is next on your list, right?” I sounded very bitter, and I had every right to be.
If I would have know eight years ago, that my marriage would end up with my husband sleeping with every blinking woman in the firm, and me spending the night at a different hotel every night. Then I never would have gotten married, to him at least.
Jay's sharp intake of breath told me I had hit home, and maybe won the argument for now. I heard him throw my present somewhere in the big office, his strong fingers gripped my shoulders and spun me around.
His dark eyes were clouded over, and the smug smile was replaced with a nasty joker like grin. “Watch yourself, Ms. Smyth. I am not always a kind and considering boss, and someday that mouth of yours will get you into trouble.” his voice was hard and grave as his fingers pinched my skin.
He stood swiftly, smoothing down his hair. Jay walked, more like stomped, to the door and left.
I waited until the door clicked, before I rubbed at the sore spots on my shoulders, bruises were probably already forming, fantastic.
The heart wants, the body needs, and the mind suffers. - me




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1779
Reviews 121
Hey I'm Phoenix Bishop and I will be your reviewer today.

Ok, I really don't know how this will pan out, it sorta just came to me one night, I didn't describe my characters as much because I have been told not too


Yes keeping out descriptive details is a writing technique, it allows the reader to self insert. This can be considered good or bad depending on the reader in question.

Good morning, Ms. Smyth.” Addley Teagan, the peppy receptionist greeted me. As I walked in from the blustery New Haven weather. “How's little Genevieve?” she asked handing me my messages.


You should never start with dialogue unless it's very interesting dialogue. Good morning is not interesting.


“Oh Ms. Smyth?” Addley Teagan


Is this her first and last name, if so that last name isn't necessary the second time.




I walked over with ease to my glass desk


because walking to a desk is difficult?



Yes Black as in Black\Smyth, we were partners in the same business, took different names, no one knew we were married, we lived very sick lives, and it was his idea.


I don't see whats sick about this, they would retain their names because of the company. As for no one knowing I find that hard to believe. You already said the receptionist is nosey. Nosey people have a way of finding out things.

“Jay,” I said softly, rubbing the back of my neck. “How did you get in my office, without anyone seeing you?” I asked looking around, the blinds were closed.


I'm wondering the same thing








“Now, what will you give me in return for your present?” he asked, his dark eyebrows wiggling raunchily.


No is all I have to say. Say something like. He raised his eyebrows obviously inplying something." Anything but raunchily.

I sat forward, resting my elbows on my panty hose covered knees. “A kiss?” I asked, he shook his head. “A couple kisses?” again another shake.
I thought for a moment, and then it hit me. I inhaled sharply. “You want to have sex, in exchange for my birthday present?” I hissed, standing to my feet.


This seems like it would be better suited for the romance section, but I guess it still has time to shift.


I rolled my big brown eyes.


Just I rolled my eyes, this is a bad place to put description


If I would have know eight years ago, that my marriage would end up with my husband sleeping with every blinking woman in the firm, and me spending the night at a different hotel every night. Then I never would have gotten married, to him at least.


known


Ok good start, you have a defiant tone of voice.

The dialogue seems a bit out of place for people that work at a law firm. They sound like teenagers not grown adults with jobs.

Like I said before I think this better suited for the Romance section, because all I can see right now is the relationship between these two people.

Hope I helped with out being too mean. PM me if you have any questions, and sorry if I came off as too mean. :D
This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

Death~




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 2518
Reviews 14
This has a few interesting parts, but I agree with quite a few of the previous reviewers points. I think you need to work a little on the main character's voice, at the moment she doesn't have a definite way of talking yet, which is pretty important for any story. The relationship between the wife and husband is good, but again try and work out a voice for him, how he talks, the words he uses. I think the point Phoenix made about them sounding like kids is partly true. You'll have to try and stop your own voice from influencing your characters voices.
Anyway, keep writing.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 7979
Reviews 111
receptionist greeted me. As I walked in from the blustery New Haven weathe

no need to seperate them with a period.

How's little Genevieve?” she asked handing me my messages.


i think this should be in a new paragraph

office. But that snot nosed brat called me back.

no need to seperate it

smiled, it

period rather than comma

replied. hurrying to

change maybe to: “as I hurried"

my breath, as I unlocked

no need for comma

I could see in the dark and not trip over the furniture, because there wasn't much to trip over, even though I am the partner of a very prestigious law company. Called Black\Smyth Law Firm, we are a general firm, meaning that we do everything.

sounds awkward...need rewording



dialogue

one thing i like about the story is the dialogue...it is convincing and it reveals the characters identity. Though the story shows description on the actual eprson,the dialogue somewhat completes this person's personality which is good.
John McClane: Drop it. It's the police.
Tony: You won't hurt me.
John McClane: Oh, yeah? Why not?
Tony: Because you're a policeman. There are rules for policemen.
John McClane: Yeah. That's what my captain keeps telling me



MMM HYD R A T I O N
— cherie