Dog's Man

A local field.
Cold all year round.
Early mourning ground.

Dog takes man out.
Scrapes dormant weed.
Yet the seed stays on it's coat.

"BARK BARK" Dog Barks
(Who is she?)
Dog's man knows her instantly.

New and opposite.
Dog takes a shit.
The carried seed falls in it.

Strangely man meets her again.
The winter crawls over the very same fen
that the man met her in back then.
Yet the seed is buried deep.
Waiting for it's chance to peak.

He learned she loved to speak
So they spoke.
Her idea of love - his idea of a joke.
Over the coke they let the love take hold.

By the spring. Flowers began to win.
The lovers decided they would move in.
By the summer,
She was a waitress and he was a drummer.

In autumn their love was still true.
By winter the dog and the seed died
and their love died too.

Interesting.

The thing that is irking me is how coincidental it is. I am reminded of a commercial that advertised this one movie by saying over and over again, "It must be fate!" It was a radio ad for Blockbuster advertising "Serendipity" if you must know. A really annoying commercial, actually. But yeah.

Your poem seems to rely completely on coincidences, which may or may not have any logic to them. For some reason, the dog brushes a weed (possibly with his butt, as the seed goes with the poop?), the man meets this girl that he might possibly know (but we're not sure of), they go together because they're in love, and then the dog dies, along with the seed, along with their love. So... as it's written now, it seems like their love grows like a dog which grows like a seed in dog shit.

...

Not a very serious poem. But it's not even very funny. It's so random that the reaction (pardon my chat speak) is really, "lolwut?" Comedy is funny because of the timing and of the sequence of events that lead to the punchline. This has neither.

So an interesting poem, but not anything to really care about.

Snoink is always good at making the most interesting remarks. But there was something else that I wanted to touch on and that is your use of the dog throughout the poem. The symbolism you have - mostly between the man and woman, the dog, and the seed – is rather cliché. Yes, love is often looked at like the seasons and I don’t mind seeing a poem like that from time to time, but to be honest, what do you need the dog for. He’s like a third set of hands that you have to pass the information through. All he did was poop a seed into the ground and begin the cycle, but the poem easily could have been started with that seed falling into the ground and their love blossoming.

I think this has more to do with the trouble I see when I read most poems and it’s that they often can’t seem to focus the poem down to one specific idea. It becomes too broad of a topic and it can quickly lose the reader.

So I think you really just need to find your subject. You obviously wanted to show the relationship between man, dog, and love, but it gets lost because it’s just too much topic.

It's not meant to be funny Snoink There is significance in everything; feces are not strictly a comic device. Lilymoore, I know how cliche seasons are but it's from a collection about seasons so it's too late!

The dog is just basically an instrument of fate, leading the man. Switcheroo.

Thankyou thankyou for your comments anyway i know this one isn't the best but I like the essential nihilism of it.