Axis

The seasons alter our behaviour
From when were seeds until when we are sprung,
But golden leaves still fall out of favour,
They drift on the wind and die in the sun.

The oak that made us carries on living.
Creaking with age and awaiting the rain,
It drinks its fill, for nature is giving.
But right at the end its stolen away.

Death is the only part thats for certain.
Life is completley out of our control.
Dancing puppets in front of the curtain.
Your stitched in your clothes and can't change your role.

My futile labour of making you laugh.
My hollowed-out heart refuses to beat.
"Don't walk the grass, just stick to the path,"
On parallel lines we never will meet.

This was an extremely unconventional and amazing poem.This poem really makes you think deeply about the underlying message present in it.



From when were seeds until when we are sprung

I guess you meant from when we were.

There is a strong message of destiny and eternal truth in the third stanza.

The way you wrote the last stanza was simply great.

Overall,this was a very different poem.Keep it up.

This was an extremely unconventional and amazing poem.This poem really makes you think deeply about the underlying message present in it.



From when were seeds until when we are sprung

I guess you meant from when we were.

There is a strong message of destiny and eternal truth in the third stanza.

The way you wrote the last stanza was simply great.

Overall,this was a very different poem.Keep it up.

This is an amazing poem! Really paints a fabulous picture in the mind of the seasons and all that they bring with them. However, you do have a few gramatical errors but other than that this poem is lovely!

For instance:

"From when were seeds until when we are sprung,"

I think you should have this a bit more clear...Perhaps "From when we're seeds, until we've sprung"

"The oak that made us carries on living."

This is a bit awkward, I would consider saying "The oak tat made us keeps on living" or

And a few places where you need apostrophes like "Death is the only part (thats) for certain."

"Don't walk the grass, just stick to the path,"

This is an amazing poem! Really paints a fabulous picture in the mind of the seasons and all that they bring with them. However, you do have a few grammatical errors but other than that this poem is lovely!

For instance:

"From when were seeds until when we are sprung,"

I think you should have this a bit more clear...Perhaps "From when we're seeds, until we've sprung"

"The oak that made us carries on living."

This is a bit awkward, I would consider saying "The oak tat made us keeps on living" or

And a few places where you need apostrophes like

"Death is the only part (thats) for certain."

"Don't walk the grass, just stick to the path,"

I would say "Don't walk in the grass, just stick to the path."


Really nice work other than the grammatical errors!

This is very smart
you have a great use of adjectives
you use adjectives isn a really unique which many writers wok for.
it is dark in parts
it also has an emotional undercurrent

thank you very much for your comments, I left this poem on the board a while ago and I'm very glad it has been read