The Absence Of Wind

Critiques harsh and all welcome. I'm looking to improve and improve fast. I especially need some opinions on the end of section 2. Do you understand it? Does it provoke any 'feeling'?
This is only a small segment, just the very beginning. Possibly even the prologue (or part of it).

___________


I don’t know or care how bad your life is. Mine is worse. Want to know why? I live in Cade, the most backwards out of the way ‘city’ this side of hell. Or maybe it had just risen out of hell and nobody noticed. I yanked my mind back from such dark thoughts to the ever present crisis, trying to survive the night scarred and scathed but innocent. Un-christened in the horrors of which I had barely escaped too often. My bare feet stung sharply each time they slapped against the tiled roof. Behind me, way too close behind me, male laughter reached forward, nearly drowned out by the normal angry mob sounds of life in Cade. Despite the early hours, Cade didn’t sleep. Cade never slept.
“We’re gonna get you this time baby. You’ll enjoy it. Promise.” I could hear the smirk in his tone. Raphiel Marethen, the smartest of the dumb.
Enjoy it? I would kill myself before I let him, or anyone else, get a finger on me.
I could see Maeth now, the poorest part of the city. My haven. The tile roves there are too thin to hold any of the big guys, some of the smaller ones maybe but they had stopped coming for us after Barry’s body turned up without any eyes. I didn’t do it. But I certainly didn’t tell them that. By ‘us’ I mean my best friend June and I.
Raphiel was right; I wasn’t going to make it. Four years of running and I wasn’t going to make it.
I leapt from roof to roof as several sets of lungs laboured behind me, drawing ever closer.
My back and shoulders itched and tingled. No man had been within two metres of me for four years; it must be like an allergic reaction or something.
Panic set in and I split from the normal route to Maeth from the market quarter heading into Sumian, the historical district. June and I never entered the crucible of Sumian, sticking to the more open quarters where few houses were above single story which made easy travelling and lots of open ground to see a threat well before it’s shadowy fingers could scar and stain your soul. If you were paying attention anyway.

(SECTION 2)

Cade’s historical district stretched well above the one or two story norm, averaging four high though some stretched up into the immeasurable night, absent any trace of moon or star.
I reached the cusp of Sumian. Tiles turned to stone, chimneys to chipped feet where all manner of ornamental fixtures stood in ages past. I rushed on beyond the outskirts into the un-beating heart of Cade’s history. Only dust stirred on the wind, mingling with sweat dripping down my itching back through short amber waves, matting them against my neck. I rushed on vaulting bodily into an antiquated building using some long dead mason’s handiwork to drag myself up the rough weathered stone. Panting with muscles on the verge of explosion I heaved myself onto the roof. This was the highest I’d ever been. Strong smothering wind surged over the roof thrusting me backwards. I wavered on the precipice of life, or at-least an end to it, for not a moment but a stretch of eternity and fear before I threw myself forward and staggered into dark silence. Silence not only as an absence of sound. Darkness not only as an absence of light, but a dark, still silence. A cumulative, permeating effect deeper than the depth of depth itself. The absence of wind.

Neat idea. It will be interesting to see where this goes. About the 'feeling' of it. Your character has no emotions, shouldn't she be afraid? Also, you're not telling us readers exactly why she should be afraid.
The second segment: I can't understand it very good.
That's all the time I have for now, sorry.
Good luck with this!

This is an interesting piece of work and you use great descriptive sentences.

A few nit-picks.

"Behind me, way too close behind me..."

Try deleting the 'way', it sounds very informal. The sentence would be much more sophisticated without this.

"...using some long dead mason’s handiwork to drag myself up the rough weathered stone..."

Why not just write... "Using an old mason's handiwork". This is quite simple but it sounds much nicer than what you wrote.

It's descriptive but I cannot paint this particular situation.

I do not connect with the character at this moment in time as I feel he/she is very bland. We do not know any real information about this character so how can you expect us to care for them? Your main character is running from someone/thing and is apparently afraid but you do not write about their feelings at all.
In section 2, you say it is the highest that character has ever been... Are they scared? Are they feel exhilarated? You need to mention this and describe the characters emotion in much more details.

Even though you use a lot of description, some of this I cannot make sense of...

Silence not only as an absence of sound. Darkness not only as an absence of light, but a dark, still silence. A cumulative, permeating effect deeper than the depth of depth itself. The absence of wind.

Yes this all sounds very nice and poetic but is this sentence one without actual meaning?

Overall, I cannot see where this is going at all but your description has potential.

Good Luck and Keep on writing!

OxfordandOnyx

Thanks for the reviews. Everything helps.

I can see the problem with the lack of characterisation i was just..uncertain where to put it in. I will work it in tonight sometime along with deleting the way in

"Behind me, way too close behind me..."

And changing the

"...using some long dead mason’s handiwork

to what you have suggested.

Also i will attempt to clarify the end of section 2 alot more. What I was going for was a conveyed sense of absolute quiet stillness. With the

deeper than the depth of depth itself

line i was trying to add a sense of infinity and time to it as-well as if in a self-contained bubble.
I can now see the lack of charater emotional and physical desription.

Thanks again I will add a bit work in desription and post a revised copy hopefully sometime later this week. Please review that to in comparison to this one.

It's great that you are adding in improvements and taking all comments on board!

If you are trying to use sentences that conveyed strong messages make sure you read it out aloud and ask yourself if it makes sense and if the reader will be able to undertstand what you are trying to say.

Section 2
I just think you need to review this part of your story and add in the characters feelings and emotions.

Anyway, I won't go into repeating what I have already said but I will review the next copy you post so good luck with that!

OxfordandOnyx

Thanks

ArtOfSilence wrote:A cumulative, permeating effect deeper than the depth of depth itself. The absence of wind.

Given the additions I told you IRL earlier, theres only one more I can think of; this line seems rather shallow. Deeper than the depth of depth? You might as well say that "That wall felt as wallish as a wall when I ran into it" - given you do seem to be leading into a flying ideal here, perhaps a reference to caves or the such?

Hahahahaha. True i suppose. I couldn't think of a better word. And deeper than the depth of depth...don't get much deeper than that.

BTW the revised edition of this is up so check that out.

I notice you wrote "does it provoke any feeling" - to put it bluntly, no.


Remember kvothe? Most unbelievable character I'd heard of within 5 minutes of reading The name of the wind (Lets face it, fantasy is oft synonymous with the screech of unbalanced! that gamers love to cry) , but we cared for him because we 'knew' him.

Thats what we are missing - knowing the character. Sure, shes running away from some dumb fellow, but we haven't seen any personality yet, no scathing comments about fat people who can run on rooftops, no witty remarks on the irony of running over snapped off feet, no sense of wonder about the grandeur of the historical district.

Hmm true true. A few witty remarks maybe. But to be honest i wasn't and have only just decided (since u reminded me of Kvothe) that the character should be that way. Not likely to have any talk about the grandeur of the historical district quite yet atleast. Due to her running for her life and not paying proper attention to the beauty and such of her surroundings.

P.S: I want The Name Of The Wind back soon please, almost finished the series im reading
and that book is good enough for a third read. (Hint hint to fantasy fans)

the story is neatly written..... very nice!