Twilight Skies (Excerpt)

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Hey all. This is a segment of Twilight Skies which i am deciding whether or not to keep based on your much valued critiques!

The other Twilight Skies i posted is a much older version as the whole thing is undergoing an almost complete restart.

As this is an excerpt there isn't any plot or anything in this post so please just comment on any issues you find, any ideas you have and whether or not you like it and think i should keep it.

Thanks in advance :D

~~~

I began flapping my wings hard. It was easy, as if I’d been doing it my entire life. Each flap generating large whoosh-ing sounds which I was amazed the other girls couldn’t hear. I rose steadily into the clouds where I allowed myself to glide in slow circles above the stables.
Flying, exhilarating, overjoyed, slightly crazed overflowing fun; words aren’t adequate to describe the sensation.
It was absolutely mind blowing.
I tilted my wings downwards and flapped hard once, which sent me rocketing away from the fencing girls and towards the fields beyond the stables.
Pure joy and confidence filled me. Just before I hit the dry dirt and grass I pulled upwards flapping with all my strength. I shot into the air and laughed out loud. The wind in my hair, in my feathers felt like an extremely soft living embrace, changing every moment as if a living thing. Undiluted happiness flowed into me stemming from a carefree wonder I had never experienced before. I could just fly away from all my problems. I imagine this would be the feeling of coming ‘home’ after a traumatic experience. My experience just happened to be my life, and the sky, my home.


The fields turned to trees much more rapidly than I expected. Flashing by below so fast they should have blurred easily. My wings weren’t the only new thing about me; my eyesight was wayyy better than before. Where as before I needed glasses to see normally, now I needed something like anti-glasses. I could see every individual vein in every individual leaf on every individual tree as I flew passed when I should have only seen a green and brown splodge. I swivelled and tilted my wings in midair in order to rise higher and face back towards the orphanage which turned out to be an extremely bad idea as my right wing smashed me squarely in the face. Disorientated I tumbled in the trees only a few metres below. Branches and twigs ripped and tore viciously at my wings which instinctively curled around my body, right wing spiralling upwards and around, left wing downwards and around completely protecting my skin. I hit a ‘Y’ shaped curve with my hip, stopping all momentum abruptly.
I’m gonna have a bruise there tomorrow, and that’s if it isn’t broken.
Fortunately there wasn’t enough pain for it to be broken. Slowly, ignoring the splintered feeling in my hip and wings I disentangled myself and wings spread glided the six or so metres to the thick foliage at the base of the tree.
I took stock of my wounds. My wings were pretty torn up; feathers littered the ground beneath me, a few spots of blood stained my beautiful plumage. My hip spiked pain through my body, scolding me for thinking I could just suddenly know how to fly properly without any knowledge about it whatsoever.
Looking up, the trees canopy obscured all but a few spots of the muted, cloud covered sky. In my joy I hadn’t even noticed the great grey blobs creep in.
No way can I take off from here. Stupid trees.
Walking back to the orphanage or flying back from a clear area in that direction seemed the best option so I began trudging through the dense undergrowth.
My wings were an immense pain in the ass.
I kept losing feathers to the wild, sinister bush and each one that was tugged away felt like I was losing part of my newfound freedom.
After only a few minutes walking I was so exhausted that I had to stop and staring longingly at an old oak next to me. No leaning against it for me.
Circling my wings around in front of me so I could see how many feathers I had lost, I found my wings looking much worse that before. Now small splotches of blood weren’t the only grime on my wings. Twigs were stuck in-between my dirt caked feathers.
It hurt to see them so damaged, no longer beautiful, but a testament to why largely winged birds are found on mountains rather than in forests.
I began shivering as the day drew to an end. The best day of my life so far.
Groaning, I picked myself up from the ground, refolding my wings tightly against my back. It was difficult and filthy feathers scraped against my back.
Grimacing, I started walking through the forest again. I wanted a bath so bad id even give Chelsea an honest to god normal, non violent or painful hug for it. Of course, that didn’t mean I couldn’t get her afterwards.
Smiling now, the bush began to thin until I finally stood in a small clearing with a quiet calming stream that fed into a miniature lake.
Huh. What are the chances?
Stripping down, which actually took awhile considering I had to untie my super tight knots at the back of my blouse, I slipped in the cool clear water. My wings touched the water and I shivered involuntarily.
Is it even ok if my wings get wet? Maybe my feathers will fall out or something…
It couldn’t be helped though so despite my paranoia I lowered them gently into the water, only, they wouldn’t submerge. My wings were buoyant. Once again circling them around myself I pushed them underwater with me, completely submerged. Once the feathers soaked through they stayed underwater easily. I carefully rubbed my hands through my feathers picking out dirt and twigs, taking extra time where I found blood. After once such spot I washed my hands at the waters surface. Clear water around my hands tinged red.
I froze; there amongst it were metallic white gold veins of colour, streaking through the misty red water.
Figuring it was just some tree sap or something; I scrubbed the rest of my body and pulled my huge weight out of the water. I almost fell back in, my wings weighed a tonne wet, but dug my hands into the dirt, yanking myself forward, grazing my fingers on the rocks beside the stream. Now fully out of the water, I turned and washed my hands in the now not so clear pool.
Once again the water turned a misty red with white gold streaks.
Raising my hands I could see I had a cut along the inside of my thumb. It oozed small droplets of blood. Only, imbedded in the drops were white golden flecks. They speckled the drops like rust.
I crouched, hunched over, mesmerized by the slow movement of the white golden flecks.
I stood, rubbed my thumb across the palm of my other hand. Sure enough bright red fractured, like a shattered mirror, by metallic white gold cracks. I washed the smear away before I put my clothes back on, deep in thought.
What am I?
Just thinking it scared the crap outta me. My life had exploded. Endlessly the questions circled my mind; I’d never be the same person again. I knew that much.
1.Your reading my signature
2.Now your saying/thinking thats a stupid fact
4.You didnt notice i skipped 3
5.Your checking it now
6.Your smiling
7.Your still reading
8.You know all this is true
10.You didnt notice i skipped 9
11.Your checking it now
12.You didnt notice there are only 10 facts




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This is not good, and to describe it like this is a bad idea. I can't help but question what your first attempt was if this is what you wrote. Cut the adverbs out, you do not even know how to use them. Your prose tries to be poetic in a way, and if you put effort into it, then you have a start, but not much of one.

Never use the word 'anti-glasses' again. Don't be like Hubbard and make up new words when better and real words exist.

"Branches and twigs ripped and tore viciously at my wings which instinctively curled around my body, right wing spiralling upwards and around, left wing downwards and around completely protecting my skin. I hit a ‘Y’ shaped curve with my hip, stopping all momentum abruptly.

I’m gonna have a bruise there tomorrow, and that’s if it isn’t broken.

Fortunately there wasn’t enough pain for it to be broken. Slowly, ignoring the splintered feeling in my hip and wings I disentangled myself and wings spread glided the six or so metres to the thick foliage at the base of the tree."

Y is not a curve.
Disentangled is a real word, but how much easier is 'freed'?
If you broke it you'd know, immediately. As for the next two lines... I shook my head in contempt.


Moving on... the writing is terrible. I can't say a good thing about this piece because your weaknesses come through so frequently and quickly that even forgetting the horrible prose won't save it.

The best advice I can give is what almost every other writer on here needs.

Show rather than tell.




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Well, I'm certainly not going to be as harsh as the first person who reviewed this. Everyone has to start somewhere, and the only way to get better is by writing and posting it to have people review. Let me start off with the good first: I liked how the beginning immediately drags the reader in, makes them wonder what is going on....why does this "thing" have wings? So that kept me reading. While there is some trouble with the style, I thought you did a pretty good job with description. You do have to work on showing rather than telling though! Moving on to grammar... I noticed that you have a couple run on sentences, and frequent places where there are commas needed. Overall, this is a good start. If you keep writing and working on your style you will improve, simple as that. PM me if you have any further questions
I read somewhere... how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong.




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Thanks, both of you. I know i have a long long way to go. This was just a part, i didn't write this twice by the way. It was just a section of the old Twilight Skies. The last section i wrote so the section i had worked on the least. (That's not saying the other section was good though)

I will rewrite this keeping the main concept and hopefully, after some work end up with a better end product. Either that or Just edit a dozen times, put it up for review and then edit it another dozen times.
1.Your reading my signature
2.Now your saying/thinking thats a stupid fact
4.You didnt notice i skipped 3
5.Your checking it now
6.Your smiling
7.Your still reading
8.You know all this is true
10.You didnt notice i skipped 9
11.Your checking it now
12.You didnt notice there are only 10 facts




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Ace Markaa is too harsh - terribly too harsh.

It's not a bad piece at all!
I remember the first one which was good - but boring and uninteresting until the very end.

In this one, although you've improved in making it more interesting, doesn't have a significant event that happens.
In an excerpt, make stuff happen so people want to read more.

I also think that writing and storytelling are too different things, so Ace shouldn't be all about the writing.
The concept is good, keep writing about it.
"Who needs God when you've got me?"
- Jessica Sanders

"Didn't I throw you out a window?"
- Jessica Sanders

www.drizzlefilm.com




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Too harsh? I am known for being honest and not to sugar coat the matter, but breaking several cornerstones of writing foundations for a first person perspective merged with narration-like thoughts is not the way to go.

Third person would be the most suitable.
Emotion and adverbs go without binding lines.
Word choices are sloppy at best.

If this is basically a rewrite excerpt as you mentioned in the beginning then I think I can stand by my comment. Usually a restart means rewriting. Secondly, for a piece with no plot to drag on like this is just unnecessary. Each sentence in a story should irreplaceable and vague/clear descriptions should flow and not be literal paintings of a scenery unrelated to a plot point.

There is simply way too much poorly written fluff that I see. I'll rewrite this if you want just to prove the point I am making, but please do not lower your standards to preserve the feelings of an author. If you would not honestly read an entire book in that prose and script and find no fault with it, then say so.

Tough love makes for stronger individuals, by being harsh I hope to push for improvements in writing. You should see the rants I did on the Da Vinci Code for its many faults. Does it mean you share the same opinion, no, but you cannot argue that a fantasy investigation with so-called factual information torted as 'FACT' in size 32 caps is a great way to start a book by claiming a fantasy cult as a real world one.

I got a bit off-topic, but I will not let your writing do it as well without calling out the many errors and mechanics problems that plague this piece. Sorry, but it's the truth.



Think of all the beauty still left around you, and smile.
— Anne Frank