The Laughing Mirror

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This was written so late, with me being very tired. It sucks, but it might be better.
It's going to be part of a series of shorts called Peruvian Magic, possibly.
Please rip it. Please gorge on it. Please do whatever you ravens do


The Laughing Mirror

It had always been odd to laugh in the Tiberius House. Lysander had always known that, as it was an act of sin. Leisurely enjoyment was banned in the Tiberius House, by accord of Lord Tiberius Black himself.

So funnily enough, Lysander was shocked to hear the sound of deafening laughter coming from somewhere in the House.

Lysander Black was an orderly young teenager, brought up by the strictest pair of parents he could have – Tiberius and Persephone Black. Known for their obsessions over superstition, the Black family was mocked by most of the community who knew them. They couldn't care less, though, they had enough money to distract them.

As a matter of fact, Lysander had heard rumours from Maid Dottie that the pair had recently purchased a “Laughing Mirror” from a group of Peruvian Witches. It seemed logical that the laughter somewhere in the House was linked to the mysterious mirror.

He knew he shouldn't, but if his parents wanted to hide the purchase, they should not have bought something that guffawed.

Attempting to follow the sound, he glided along the corridors silently. It was lunch hour, the busiest time in the House – so Lysander had to be careful. He could not be caught out of his room between certain hours. Dodging maids, waiters, butlers and guests, he lodged himself into a wall crevice.

What struck Lysander as odd, was the oblivious tone of the household. No-one seemed to turn their heads or take any notice to the laughter. They saw Lysander, as he distinctly saw the maids smile at him (being of age now, the maids tended to catch his attention more and more).

The laughter was seemingly louder now, meaning closer. It wasn't a short trip from his room, which was even more odd. If Tiberius and Persephone wanted to keep it hidden, they would have put the purchase in the basement or the safe rooms. That's if it was the purchase at all, it was just a rumour.

But Lysander had a feeling. As if he could “sense” the Mirror – he could even imagine the intricate detail in it's head. The golden frames, the sheen of white that was omitted from such a magical object, and the absence of a true reflection.

Lysander waited until a guest swept passed, and stepped out to listen properly. Realising that it sounded pretty close, he spun round and noticed there was many doors that lead to even more doors, which evidently lead to even more doors.

He decided that the Vanity Room was his best bet – one of Persephone's many. But before he went in, he understood how crazy this was.

He just didn't do things like this. Lysander Black, well-educated and sensible, would never creep into the restricted areas. He wouldn't go looking for a mystical mirror. Maybe that was the essence of the mirror.

He decided he was taking too long to enter, and with a thrust of his wrist, he pushed the door open to find an empty room.

Completely empty. No mirror. No people. No anything. He took a short intake of breath, but couldn't hear it – no sound. The empty vanity room. Ironic, really.

He also realised, that there was no more laughing. No distant laughing from another room, it had just stopped. He had a few seconds to gather these thoughts when it all turned around.

A huge impact of sound came from the air, a hysterical laughter that actually drew blood from Lysander's ears. It was painful laughter, the sound that stabbed and poked at your forehead – like a static sound. It screeched with so much emotion, a laughter that wasn't happy. If that made any sense, it was a forced laughter. A desperate plea.

Lysander couldn't move from the pain, he was paralysed. He couldn't think. He didn't know it was possible. Why would somebody sell this pain? It was Lure Magic obviously, a dark magic that Tiberius specialised in. It had “lured” him into the trap, it had connected to Lysander and nobody else. Which was why only he could hear the distant laughter.

Why though?

Why had it focused on him?

He didn't really have time to ask any more questions whilst having this irremovable sound. It became distorted. It lowered the pitch and became a gut-punching sound. It kept going lower. Lower it went.

It went.

And so did Lysander's voice. And his hearing.

He got such a strict beating.


Oh dear, such a rubbish ending. Any suggestions? Thanks
"Who needs God when you've got me?"
- Jessica Sanders

"Didn't I throw you out a window?"
- Jessica Sanders

www.drizzlefilm.com




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Lorril --

A few quick points.

1. Less repetition. Study your first two paragraphs and you will see what I mean.

2. Be wary of using the surname "Black," especially since this is a fantasy story. Unfair as it may be, many readers are going to associate that name with Harry Potter.

3. Not much build-up and not much pay-off. I don't care about Lysander, and the mirror isn't interesting enough to carry the story. Make me care.

4. Look at this:

He also realised, that there was no more laughing.


That's an unnecessary comma. Know how to use them. A guide like this one will help.

5. Don't say your work sucks. It's as rude as prefacing a piece with, "Well, this story pretty much rocks." By posting here, you are asking the reader's opinion. No one cares if you think it sucks or not. You're the author; you cannot look at it objectively. Same with calling your ending "rubbish." I don't want your director's commentary. Let your work stand on its own two feet. If it's crippled, don't amputate its remaining leg; and if it's healthy, don't try to give it a crutch. Let it be.

In fact, funnily enough, sometimes the things you hate another person will love. Don't burst their bubble by calling yourself out.

Prokaryote




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Personally I think this should be a horror story (if it is then sorry). also I'm not to sure how a laugh can be forced, maybe, being tickled. I don't quite get the "he got such a strict beating," bit.
Finally I agree with the post above, stop saying your work sucks, it's annoying and the story isn't even that bad, It is actually quite good. Just keep to one genre e.g horror.

Hope it helped.




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Oh i am cynical when it comes to this - i either think a piece is really good or really rubbish. I won't post stuff like that any more though :D I just know it's not my best piece, at all.

It was an improvised piece of experimental writing, really.

I think on my second draft i'm definitely going to explore the relationship between Lysander and his parents, and also Lysander as a person.

The writing is kind of rigid. I read one sentence over and over again in my head then it sounds like five. So i'll do that.

And is there too many questions for a short story?

And as for the ending, well, at first i didn't know where it was going - so it needs to be revised.

Thanks for the feedback anyway :D
"Who needs God when you've got me?"
- Jessica Sanders

"Didn't I throw you out a window?"
- Jessica Sanders

www.drizzlefilm.com




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Hi there I'm OxfordandOnyx... I thought I might just post you a little review (:

I liked this story but I do have some issues (:

Plot
The plot so far is lacking and confusing. I had to re-read several times to make sense of this story and that's very off putting. I think you mean to portray the mirror as something very sinister but it comes across as being a bit of a joke. There is nothing towards the end of the story to keep us interested and wanting to reach on, it really fizzels out at that point. You need to review this and maybe add in an extra paragraph- a good cliff hanger is what is needed here.

Character
I have to say your character comes across to be very bland. It feels as if I know nothing about him, as you give us limited information. It seems your character is lacking in any real depth and emotion about the situation in hand. How does he feel about the mirror? Right now, he seems to have zero personality. Add a little bit of life to him as I could see this boy/man deveoping further and becoming a great character.

Discription and setting
There isn't much description in this about the setting. The reader wants to vividly imagine the surrounding of your character and almost be there themselves. There is no dialouge in this text and I think you may need a bit to break this up and change the flow of the writing to keep the readers interest.

Overall
I can defintely see this story growing but character needs alot of work. You already have a great idea in mind but now all you need to do is apply it to everything you write!
Good Luck and please improve this and continue to write more!

OxfordandOnyx
Last edited by OxfordandOnyx on Sun Sep 20, 2009 7:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Four kinds of people I hate most in life.
1. People who use a preposition to end a sentence with.
2. People who can't count.
3. People who think it's 'clever' to quote ironic phrases.




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I think the whole "hysterical painful laughing" mirror has a lot of applications for a horror story. It makes Lysander laugh too, which is quite freaky. Anything that makes people laugh is. Anyway, below are some errors that I picked up on in your story. Oh and by the way, the whole "he got such a strict beating", I hope that's just the end of a chapter, not the story. :wink:

- What struck Lysander as odd, was the oblivious tone of the household. (no need for a comma)
- he spun round and noticed there was many doors that lead to even more doors (Should be 'there were many doors that lead to even more doors'
I just think that having the last name "Black" creates a bit of a cliche, you know. Maybe try a last name that isn't as revealing.
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This is good. But, I also agree that your character is somewhat bland. Make some changes to make her a bit more original. However, you do have the works for a good horror story here, not sure if that is what you were going for or not. Overall, I enjoyed reading this, and would read more after it has been edited
I read somewhere... how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong.



Light griefs are loquacious, but the great are dumb.
— Seneca