This Body has No Soul

My soul has shred to pieces,
my heart has burned to ashes,
my tears are meaningless,
as they run every single day;
Full of sadness.
My thoughts are only yours.
My body collapses of exhaustion;
I slowly fade away,
As if I have drank a poison.

Since the day you left,
everything I tried to forget,
An order of the mind,
An unaccomplished task by the broken heart.
It was destined to go wrong,
I wasn't strong.
As I fall deeper in despair,
none can be done,
This body has no soul.



*Hope you liked. Don't hold back at the comments. May say what you want. *

I think that was really good.
The flow of it worked and the rhythm
Was pretty good.
The words have meaning to them to. I like that.
I would say right about now what I would change, but there is nothing.
That was really good

Thanks! i worked for it... LOL

*writewatiwant* wrote:My soul has shred to pieces
My heart has burned to ashes
My tears are meaningless
As they run every single day
Full of sadness
My thoughts are only yours
My body collapses of exhaustion
I slowly fade away
As if i have drank a poison.

Since the day you left
Everything I tried to forget
An order of the mind
An unaccomplished task by the broken heart
It was destined to go wrong
I wasn't strong
As I fall deeper in despair
None can be done
This body has no soul.

________________________________________________
Hope you liked. don't hold back at the comments. May say what you want.

Wow. That was really good. It really makes you think. And it was really sad. Yeah, just stick with it and it'll go far!!!

Hey Kat. I'm here with revew 2/10

*writewatiwant* wrote:My soul has shred to pieces,

Should be a period after pieces.

*writewatiwant* wrote:my heart has burned to ashes,

Period after ashes.

My thoughts are only yours.[/qute]

What exactly do you mean by this? Elaborate, please.

*writewatiwant* wrote:My body collapses of exhaustion;

I think there should be a period there instead of a semi colon.

*writewatiwant* wrote:everything I tried to forget,

I tried to forget everything?

*writewatiwant* wrote:As I fall deeper in despair,
none can be done,
This body has no soul.

Nice ending there.

As you can see, you did very well and I am sorry that I could not be of more help. You're a great poet Kat, you really are. Keep it up ^.^

I don't know about this. I mean, it was very good, it just didn't pull me in right at the beginning. I don't know what I'm saying it was extremely good, I'm just picky and tired so my judgements may be off a little haha. Overall i thought it was really good and you need to keep writing!!!

Hey Write!
---

Since the day you left,
everything I tried to forget,
An order of the mind,
An unaccomplished task by the broken heart

This part seems incomplete. You say "since the day you left", but you never really say what is happening or what you are feeling after this person left -- you just start listing "order of the mind", "unaccomplished task" and so forth. You never actually really seem to say what everything you tried to forget, order of the mind, and the unaccomplished task are doing or how they stand in relation to what happened the day he/she left.

---

Your a bit too punctuation happy. It's almost bothersome to read a comma, period or semi-colon after EVERY single line. Pick up a poem book and sift through the pages -- not every line is punctuated. Try combined sentences and working it out so it's not so strong when the line breaks -- I find it too choppy when there's so much punctuation in a poem.

The poem is very passionate and has strong language, which is amazing. I think if you edit, you can channel something really great here! I hope my comments were helpful.

PM me about anything, dear!

~ Clo

I agree with Blondie05998 or somethin like that. IT was really good and i like the flow of the words. I just wanna know what gave you a reason to write this, what was your purpose? Nice JOB!!!