Ariorl Part II

Someone tapped on the door of the cave. "Come in," Said Tarina. She looked up. Their, standing right at the front of the cave, was Tjian. Tarina's worst enemy. She remembered the time, and what he did. He cut the throat of her Cousin, and now she was strangely named the culprit. She walked over to the tall figure, dressed in Blue clothes, and a brown pilot's hat. "Grah!" he cried, as Tarina boxed him on the nose. He suddenly lashed out and kicked her stomach, knocking her on the floor. "You're already called a criminal!" He said. ""Let's not make matters worse!" Again, she walked towards him, and pushed him down. Suddenly a horn was heard. Tjian rushed outside, and, being as quiet as she could, Tarina followed.

The trail led her to the center of Ariorl, the small town of Ha'Gabudd. She heard shouting from bars and taverns, and slowly hid, as Tjian and the men with him looked back. That's it, she thought, they've seen me.

"Someone tapped on the door of the cave. "Come in," Said Tarina"

umm, how does a cave have a door?

apart from that little mistake, i think your very (very very) short story was very gripping, and kept me imagining, but i felt you could have described her emotions about seeing him again. how did she feel? why?

i also think you should explain more about their background, as it seems (the way you've written it) that she isnt too bothered by the fact that her cousin got their throat sliced.

another thing i think you should do is, extend the fight scene. add some similies and metaphors. make me imagine the fight, because right now, its so short its like a childs play fight.

It had been a long story, when Tjian commited the crime. Tarina, her cousin and himself all came to the king's great palace, it was Tarina's cousin, Marph, who was chosen to be the heir of the ruler. As soon as the three came out of the castle, Tjian took a paper knife and murdered Marph. While this was happening, Tarina took away the knife from Tjian, this making her a thought-to-be criminal.

Tjian and the men stopped on the pebbled road. They turned into a cafe, and through the dirty window, Tarina adjusted her eyes to the interior darkness of the building, to see the group going through a trap door. The last man locked it on the way in. Tarina stamped her foot and turned back for her cave. No. There has to be a way in, she thought. She paced around the cafe and came to a man hole. Yes! She knew it. All manholes lead to every underground place. She looked around quickly, and laid her hands on the squelching ladder.

Bruno laughed, and the group of men joined in. All except Tjian. "This is an important matter." He said. "Not one of the smuggler's gang has ever been a king. Think of all the riches! Bruno, what about you, what do you think?" The leader slowly nodded.