Cadair Idris

Cadair Idris

For our English original writing coursework our school requires us to do an account of a part of our school trip to Cader in Wales... So this is it . Please let me know what you think because I'm definitely looking to improve it as much as I can.

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Whenever I asked Mr. Brook how far we were from the peak, he would always reply ‘not far.’ Mr. Brook was the teacher who would accompany us on our climb to the summit of Cadair Idris. Upon first impressions, one would assume him to simply be a short and friendly old man who possessed a peculiar voice. Due to my worrying inability to describe the sound of his voice to you, I find myself forced to mention the strange, sub-conscious association of creaking floorboards I link to his voice. Despite his deceptive appearance, Mr. Brook was probably healthier and better equipped physically to handle the test of endurance than any member of our group.
When Mr. Brook replied ‘not far’, I would immediately feel happier during the frustrating and difficult ordeal of climbing Cadair Idris. However, when he actually pointed out where the summit was my heart sank into a seemingly incurable state of depression. I figured out that the true meaning of ‘not far’ was ‘keep walking’.
The thought of the distance to the peak made my feet throb more than the collective distance I had just walked. Our group trudged on and complaints about the walk were minimal. I thought it would be wise to conform and confined the complaints I had about the trip to the infinite prison of my mind. I’m pretty sure many others felt the same way as me but decided not to vent their frustration in case they were cited as the cause of lowering ‘morale’. I can’t blame them for it though; I was doing the exact same thing.
“Ah! Look at the view from here.” Mr. Brook exclaimed as he pointed out the corrie lake we had walked from. At this point I realised the distance we had covered as I observed the sapphire lake amidst the rugged Cadair Idris. As if on queue, a crisp breeze soothed my tired, sweaty body. It was like drinking water after thirst, like eating food after fasting, like tasting an ice cream in the scorching heat. Then, almost as quickly as the magical moment had begun – it ended.
“Come on everyone. We have to make a move.” Mr. Brook signalled. Great, I thought – kill the one moment where I actually appreciated being on top of a Welsh mountain for no real reason.
As we continued trudging along the mountain I thought about how I just wasn’t suited for the countryside. I’ve always preferred the skyscrapers of a metropolis to the cottages of a village. Similarly, I prefer the cottages of a village to the isolated wilderness. Although I have an appreciation for the magnificence of nature my interest in people greatly overshadows my enjoyment of even the most beautiful of landscapes. Sadly, I viewed the Welsh countryside as monotonous and irritating and I found myself wondering whether my school would ever get tired of conducting an annual trip with the sole purpose of trying to make us ‘enjoy’ the landscape of Wales.
I could never forget the moment when we finally reached the peak of Cadair Idris. The triumph overwhelmed our group like a tidal wave crashing onto the sand. We rode the wave of victory as we all relaxed on the peak. At least I could say ‘I’ve climbed Cadair Idris’, I thought. Looking back though, I’ve never said that and this is first time I’ve even put the thought to paper. Nevertheless, the idea of being able to express and boast this achievement after my struggle almost made the climb worthwhile. Then, someone pointed out the dark clouds.
“Damn, it’s going to rain.” He shattered the laid-back atmosphere, “Look at those clouds over there.” My eyes were met with an army of dark and angry storm clouds.
“Yes, they forecast lightning and heavy rain today.” Mr. Brook stated.
What? They forecast lightning and we were sent up to the top of a mountain? I hate the Welsh countryside.

Hi!!

Well, I liked it, it was very good, very interesting. The story gives us a good view of how you felt and how the place was seen from your perspective, obviously. So I would only recommend a little more description of the place.

Some nitpicks:

Due to my worrying inability to describe the sound of his voice to you, I find myself forced to mention the strange, sub-conscious association of creaking floorboards I link to his voice

I think this is good but why does his voice sound like creaking floorboards? Maybe an explnation of why she thinks that.

However, when he actually pointed out where the summit was my heart sank into a seemingly incurable state of depression

comma between was and my.

Great, I thought – kill the one moment where I actually appreciated being on top of a Welsh mountain for no real reason.

I think that the parts where she is mentining her thoughts should be put in italics since they are a little onfusing, at least for me.-

Although I have an appreciation for the magnificence of nature my interest in people greatly overshadows my enjoyment of even the most beautiful of landscapes.

comma between nature and my.

So this is basically all,. This was very well written and I liked it.

Pudin

Hello.

This is a rather interesting piece. I don't know if I should call it a story, since there's not much that happens. You might argue that conflict happens in the way of the protagonist not wanting to climb the mountain and not liking her teacher moving them along, but there's no resolution from that conflict. There's no real resolution at all, actually. They get to the top of the mountain and then the protagonist says something about lightning, which seems like it sets up something else. Instead, the story ends, and leaves us hanging in an unsatisfied way.

So, this needs a bit of polishing up, both in the way of grammar and punctuation, and in the way of its structure. It has a bit of potential, but that potential is almost drowned out by the other errors. Fix them, and you ought to shine.

-Mr. Saxon

Cheers for the comments guys, it'll really come in handy editing it for when I have to hand it in.

Also - just to clear up any confusion, I'm a he . But if you were totally certain I was a she then I need to know why I sound so feminine .