Seagulls are the real land rats. Pigeons are too gormless. There’s something pitiable in the way they constantly nod their heads-like they’re desperate to agree with everyone, desperate to please. It’s the seagulls that will swoop down out of nowhere and snatch your sandwich right out of your hand when you’re innocently walking down the pier. Then, they’ll shake it viciously, like they don’t even want it, like they just want to watch all the good stuff fall out and go to waste. And if you happen to see the chicken and stuffing,( which your loving mother guarded so vigilantly from your ravenous teenage brother, so that you could have “real food” for a change) falling into the ocean or onto the path alongside dog mess, then so much the better!
Last Sunday, the pier was full of them. There they were, flying along, crossing the rocks, innocently, innocently, until someone appeared with a nice big ice-cream come, and whoooosh, down they swooped. And you know that it was just pure malice, because seagulls don’t even like ice-cream.
But I had thought ahead. No, they wouldn’t get the better of me this time! I’d remind them that “birdbrain” was an insult! I’d made a big fat sardine sandwich and wrapped it in clingfilm and tinfoil, and put it in a paper bag, and put the paper bag in a separate pocket of my bag, so that my own cheese sandwich wouldn’t get all fishy. It would be my bait. I was such a genius.
Vincent said to meet him at six. It was a good time; there’d be no morning joggers, no patients being brought out by their families, no people trying in vain to work off their Sunday lunches. Hopefully, the seagulls would already have pilfered their fill of sandwiches and ice-cream and crisps. But I couldn’t take the chance.
I strode down the pier, decoy-sandwich at the ready. I whipped off the paper bag and folded it three times before putting it in my pocket. I cast my eyes skywards. The gulls were overhead. One was like a magpie-attracted to the tinfoil. Its eyes never left it. It began to dive. The other seemed less seasoned in theft. It was swooping upwards, seemingly delighted with its flight. All seagulls love to taunt mere humans.
I peeled back the foil slooooowly, loving how the gull’s eyes never left my hand. I kept the foil in one hand as I tore off the clingfilm, making sure that the gull remained focused on me. And then the sardines were peeping out from between the slices of bread. I hated the smell, but the smell of victory would more than mask it. The gull’s eyes latched upon them; it gained speed, fuelled by the desire for my “tea”. Typical; there was a whole sea full of fish, waiting to be plundered, but it had to have whatever was in my hand. I raised the sandwich and grinned at the bird. I was going to win. Oh how I’d laugh when it was distracted by the sardines which were falling out from between the bread, and I could eat my real sandwich in peace.
“Emma! Emma!”
I turned to see Vincent hurrying towards me. Sighing, I stuffed the sandwich back into my bag. My moment of victory would have to wait. Vincent hugged me, then kissed me. I looked at the sky. The seagull was retreating.
“Want to sit down?” Vincent asked, slipping his arm around me and steering me towards the nearest bench without waiting for my response. We sat where we always sat, on the chipped green bench on the left, the one with all its bars except the one at the top, which no one is tall enough to really need, still intact. Now a whole flock of gulls were eyeing us and cackling, as if they knew something we didn’t. The bench was probably wet or freshly painted or something.
I turned to Vincent. “Can I sit on your coat?”
He nodded slightly and took it off. I stood and he spread it across my side of the bench. We sat down again.
“Can I talk to you?” He asked, rummaging in his bag and withdrawing his own sandwich.
“Sure.” I gingerly took out my cheese sandwich, but left it wrapped in my lap, then unwrapped the sardine sandwich and set it down on the bench beside me. Things weren’t going quite how I wanted them to.
He took a big bite of his sandwich and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. He swallowed too soon, then coughed, choking. I slapped him on the back. The seagulls cackled louder. They were circling lower now. I folded my arms in front of my stomach so that they covered my sandwich. Vincent stopped choking.
“Are you ok?”
He noddded. “Emma, the thing is...”
I was getting hungry.Cautiously, I unfolded one edge of the tinfoil and looked up. One of the gulls had seen me. It was coming to get my sandwich! I held out the decoy, raising it to my sealed lips.
Vincent frowned. “Is that yours too?”
I ruffled my hair. He wouldn’t understand. The gulls never seemed to take his sandwich. I mumbled incoherently.
He shook his head. “Emma, the thing is...do you remember Yvonne, Martin’s friend? Me and Martin hung her Christmas lights...she helped me pick your Valentine’s day flowers...she was at my birthday party?”
I didn’t understand it. Why weren’t the gulls coming for the sardines? I put the sandwich back down on the bench.
“My legs are cold. Can I put your coat over them?” I asked.
“Sure.”
I got up, took his coat off the bench, and, having checked for water or paint and found none, sat down again and draped the coat across my legs. I slipped my sandwich under it and raised the coat to my mouth, then took my first bite.
“What are you doing?” He was getting that look he got when he brought me to a work function and I took two snacks at a time so that, once I was in conversation with someone, I wouldn’t have to stop to go back for a snack. I’d discovered that such a conversation usually lasted two snacks.
I flushed. “Nothing, nothing. You were saying?”
“She...she and I, we...well...” He stopped and took a deep breath.
I glanced at the sky. The gulls hadn’t noticed anything.
“Weshleptoger”.
“What?” I took another bite. He grabbed my shoulder and twisted me round to face him. My sandwich fell to the ground. I glared at him. “Now look what you did! All my planning is ruined!” The gulls were going to get it after all.
“I’m sorry...I really am, Emma. It just...happend.”
I waited for the gulls to swoop down. They didn’t. I glanced at my sandwich and contemplated picking it up like nothing had happend, but too much of it was touching the ground. Besides, Vincent would think I was disgusting.
I sighed. “It’s just a sandwich. I’ll make another when I get home. Are we sleeping at yours or mine?”
“Emma...” he was looking at me like I was stupid. “Didn’t you hear me?”
For the first time that evening, I gave him my full attention. His fists were clenched, he was tapping his foot incessantly and didn’t seem conscious of it. “Sorry. I was distracted.”
He unclenched his fists and caught me by the arm, forcing me to look at him. “Yvonne and I slept together.” He relinquished his grip on me and eyed me beseechingly. “I’m not sure why I did it. I love you, Emma, you know that. I told her it can’t happen again. She was pretty upset.”
I looked at the ground just in time to see the gull snatching up my sandwich and taking flight. All of the cheese was falling out the bottom. The sardine sandwich lay untouched. I wasn’t sure why I bothered.
