A Sketch of Winter

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3358
Reviews 30
Winter is a sketch void of color but sharp and sure.
It is also wispy like bare branches in the wind.
The desolate mood is company to one such as me.
And the white snow is a playful spirit that hides the ground and trips the horizon.
I can clearly hear the moan of no one through falling snow.
Because no one likes to linger in the white shadows.
It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no telling where you might be swept off to. -Bilbo Baggins




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 49068
Reviews 373
Hi there Jojo48. I'm Kamas! Here to review.

Now I thought this poem was nice but there are some things I believe you should fix up.

Winter is a sketch void of color but sharp and sure.


"but" in this line refers to something that is negative. But since there is no negative in this sentence it is the same thing as saying " He is glad but he is happy"
It doesn't make much sense.


It is also wispy like bare branches in the wind.


There is nothing really wrong with this line. But! I don't particularly enjoy it.
The way it flows off your tongue isn't smooth as poetry usually is. Read your work out loud to see where you can fix flow problems.


The desolate mood is company to one such as me.


I don't enjoy how this is worded. It can be easily fixed to flow better.
Try something like " The desolate mood is company to no one but me" or something along that line.


And the white snow is a playful spirit that hides the ground and trips the horizon.


This line is much too long compared to the rest of your poem. It is like you have 5 syllables, then 6, then 5, then Boom! 9
(The syllable count isn't your poem's syllable count)
It hacks up the flow and diverts the readers attention to what you are actually saying. Shorten this line to make your poem flow more smoothly.


I can clearly hear the moan of no one through falling snow.


This physically doesn't make sense :wink: You can't hear moans if there is no one. And I personally do not see any sort of message in this line. Avoid adding physically impossible things that confuse the reader :smt003 It doesn't add anything to your poem really. But this here is just my opinion.

Because no one likes to linger in the white shadows.


I find that this line is completely unrelated to the poem you have just wrote. You just hurried to close it up with the first thing you thought would sound nice. (No worries I've done it too)
Try to end your poems as seamlessly as possible to leave the reader satisfied.

Well I hope this was helpful to you. I don't mean to sound harsh and if I did I am terribly sorry. This is a nice little poem with lots of potential! Work on it dear.

~Kamas~
"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles." ~ Charles Chaplin

#tnt




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1030
Reviews 1260
jojo48 wrote:Winter is a sketch void of color but sharp and sure.


I'm not quite sure that I understand the context of sketch' or 'sure'.

It is also wispy like bare branches in the wind.


Also is redundant, maybe you can delete it. There should be a comma after wispy.

Because no one likes to linger in the white shadows.


Nice ending.
Good Job. You're a great poet. PM if you have any questions or if yo post any new poems.

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney



maybe the backs are the stories we made along the way
— soundofmind