Leah Lightning Introduction

What makes you ‘you’ d’you think? The people around you, I guess; those amazing people who step in and out of your life. Those people who put you up and those people who bring you down. The friends, the enemies, the family, the teachers, even the pets. The people who make things happen in your life. You can hate them all you want, but they are part of you and have made you into who you are today. You can run all you want, but they’ll always be inside you, somewhere. As Frankie Valli said, “you don’t forget where you come from,” unless you hit your head or get amnesia or something. The three most important things that I have learned in my life so far, are that; One, only say sorry when you mean it, and be willing to forgive people, even when they rip your life apart. Two, true friends and family are always there for you, even if it seems like they don’t care, talk to them, and you could be surprised. They can get you through anything. Lastly and third, never hide you feelings and always follow your heart. That may sound old and cheesy, but really, it will tell you to do the right thing.

Allow me to introduce myself; my name is Felicity (Fliss) Jones. I am fourteen years old. I have quite plain, slight features and blue/grey eyes. My straight brunette hair is layered which falls to the middle of my back and a side fringe which is annoyingly too short to tuck behind my ear. I love English, Music, Drama and Art and I want to be a journalist when I am older. I love food, and I’m one of those annoying people who eat a huge amount, and stay stick thin. I’m pretty much the average girl, I get up, I go to school, I come home, I do work and I sleep! So as you can tell my life is incredibly exciting at the moment.
I live on a dairy farm in the rural parts near Sheffield. My father is a dairy farmer hence living on the dairy farm. He comes from Newcastle, so when my brothers and I speak… we have a Newcastle ‘twang’… apparently. So basically – I sound a bit like a Geordie which I don’t see it myself, but there you go.
Anyway, I am the youngest of five children. Unfortunately, I have four older brothers; Will (now 20), Jamie (17), Harry (16) and Jack (15), who are all incredibly gorgeous, so I get the wonderful title of, Will or Jamie or Harry or Jack’s sister, and that’s what I’m famous for at school.
We are all really close, unusually close in fact; a lot of people think it’s weird, but that’s just the way we are! I hate them sometimes (actually a lot of the time) but underneath I know that I love them all to bits and if they weren’t here, I guess I would miss them… but I wouldn’t miss the noise and their claggy stuff all over the floor! My mother, Anita (she came from Spain, so her English name would be Annie or Ana), died giving birth to me and my dad has never really forgiven me for that. In fact he can’t bear to look at me anymore. My Auntie Ibbie (in Spain it’s short for Isabel) lived with us for a while when I was little, but she moved back to Spain when I was about eight. Because of this, my brothers and I are bilingual; but my first language is English. I now cater for everyone and as a result my nickname is skivvy (or butthead, but that’s not really relevant at this point). I don’t have to clean because a lovely lady called Pat comes in and cleans twice a week (thank god). I have three dogs called Milo, Dylan and Annie (Will named her after my mum when he was seven) whom I all love incredibly much.

How can I make this more appealing? I want a reader to be hooked and it seems a bit boring? Any ideas from you brilliant people??

This sounds really good, but one thing I have to ask: Is this a biography of you? because it sounds a whole lot like a biography. Not being mean or anything, it's just so I'll understand more.

Its not my bio - its kind of a bio of the character. She narrates the story the whole way through and is sort of.. introducing herself at the beginning.

Alright - now I got that figured out. I really like like your writing. But the first setence doesn't make sense, is it supposed to be 'What makes you think?'

(I'm really trying not to make this sound retarded and start a conversation where your critques are supposed to go!)

Hello!! Pudin here.
Review time.

What makes you ‘you’ d’you think?

I don't understand this first question, but I guess is somthing like this: What makes you you do you think? So you must be italicized.

The three most important things that I have learned in my life so far, are that; One, only say sorry when you mean it, and be willing to forgive people, even when they rip your life apart.

So this sentence is good, but it has the puntuation in the wrong places. So this is just an example of how it should be: The three most important things that I have learned in my life so far, are: only say sorry when you mean it, and be willing to forgive people, even when they rip your life apart.

Two, true friends and family are always there for you, even if it seems like they don’t care, talk to them, and you could be surprised.

Again the punctuation. So another example:Two, true friends and family are always there for you, even if it seems like they don’t care; talk to them, and you could be surprised.

My straight brunette hair is layered which falls to the middle of my back and a side fringe which is annoyingly too short to tuck behind my ear.

This sounds awkward to me: I would put it like this:My straight brunette hair is layered and falls to the middle of my back with a side fringe which is annoyingly too short to tuck behind my ear.

I’m pretty much the average girl, I get up, I go to school, I come home, I do work and I sleep!

Again the punctuation. period is needed in this sentence i think between girl and I

Anyway, I am the youngest of five children. Unfortunately, I have four older brothers; Will (now 20), Jamie (17), Harry (16) and Jack (15), who are all incredibly gorgeous, so I get the wonderful title of, Will or Jamie or Harry or Jack’s sister, and that’s what I’m famous for at school.

I don't think the parentheses look good here. I would change the sentence and put it like this:
I have four older brothers; Will, now twenty; Jamie, who is seventeen; Harry who just turned sixteen this summer and Jack, who's fifteen.Something else, small numbers such as twenty and sixtten are supposed to be written in words instead of numbers. Long numbers can be written like that.

I hate them sometimes (actually a lot of the time) but underneath I know that I love them all to bits and if they weren’t here, I guess I would miss them

Again the parenthesis. I think this kindd of sentences should be separated by commas instead of parentheses.

This is all I have. I liked your story but you have some punctuatin issues. I hope this helps you. This are just my recommendations,recommendations that you can as well disregard.

Hope you keep writing
Pudin

Hey Kate

I think this is really good but the punctuation mistakes pointed out are well worth noting. i really like the beginning bit as you connect with the author and i know it has already been said but i think you should change the ages from being in brackets to actually being in words. But its great and i hope it gets published!

x

Okay, I'm going to tell you something that these fine young writers have tried to pound into my own skull... SHOW DON'T TELL! When you have too much narration readers lose interest. So, try to take all of this information and put it into a situation. Instead of telling us about her brothers and the dairy farm, write a scene where she's coming home from school or doing chores or something. That way we learn what we need to but are still intertained.
Oh! Another example! I love this one and use it in almost everything I write (yes, it is cliche). When I want my reader to know what a character looks like and feels about her looks...I put my character in front of a mirror! That way you can describe her and get self esteem in one go!

Hey, Kate!

First off, I really like this. You've got some good quality writing here. My only comment is that the characters thoughts don't really sound like her. If she's got a Newcastle twang, show it. It just doesn't sound natural, the speech is very proper. Other than that, it was great!

-JK