Terror Chapter 2.

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Chapter Two

Shaheen Ebadi was sat in a prison cell, distraught. He had been expelled from his home at 02:00am the previous morning and had spent the rest of the night in the station cell. He had been told he was under arrest for involvement in terrorism and conspiracy against the United Kingdom. He had been forced into a police car and driven across London until he arrived at the West End Police Station in which he had spent the rest of the night.

Shaheen had never once been in prison. He had never committed a single crime. But there he was, locked away in this puny cell. For the first hour he had been hysterical and had screamed out of the small barred window of the cell door. He begged them to release him. He told them he had done nothing wrong. Three hours later he was still sat in the cell. All his energy was drained and he appeared to be only the shell of a once great man.

Shaheen sat still in the corner of the cell, rocking gently back and forth when he heard a sound on the other side of the door. He sat up and turned his gaze up at the door. Hope flooded back though his body and for the first time that night and freedom felt only moments away.

He stood up and moved towards the door, pressing his ear against the cold metal frame in an attempt to listen to what was going on in the station. He heard some mild commotion and a series of thuds before once again his world was plunged into silence. He waited five minutes, ten minutes, before concluding that no one was coming for him. He turned away from the door and sat back down. It was a further 20 minutes until he heard another sound.

It was the sound of footsteps. And keys. Someone was coming his way. He could hear the sound of the keys rattling getting closer. Shaheen turned back towards the door, overcome with relief.
The person was right outside the door now. The footsteps had stopped. The key had entered the lock and was turning slowly and methodically. Shaheen watched as the lock was unlocked and the door was pulled open.

“Thank you! At last, am I free to go? Is everything…” Shaheen stopped. The man on the other side of the door was not a policeman. He was a man dressed in a suit, a man who Shaheen knew all too well.

“Hello Shaheen. I’m sorry. You are not free yet,” he said, slowly with an expressionless face. “We have one more job for you.”

*

Tom Fisher sat on the front step of what was left of the Cartman household. It was 7:00am but it felt much later and as the sun rose and people all across Britain awoke, Tom sat in silence, burning with rage and sadness.

Rescue teams and medical staff had arrived 30 minutes earlier and swept the house, saving anyone they could from the wreckage and treating the wounded. 7 officers were dead, 2 more critical and 12 others injured in the explosion. They were lucky to have found the bomb at all before it detonated.
And that’s what puzzled Tom the most. When the agent had found the bomb, the timer had read exactly one minute. It had been as if it had only started its deadly countdown just after its discovery. How could the planter of such a device of known of the exact time of discovery?

Unless the timer had been activated by movement of the bomb… Maybe the Agent had found it by moving the large dining table and this movement had caused the timer to begin. But the Agent couldn’t have moved the table by himself and from Tom’s memory the table had been left untouched in the exact position it had been found in.

Having come to a decision Tom stood up and marched speedily into the wreckage of the building. He walked meaningfully towards the remains of the table and straight past the officer who was examining the bomb casing.

“Excuse me Detective what…” started the officer but Tom ignored his questions and having stopped at the table he stood on the spot of where the bomb had sat and turned a full circle slowly around the room.

After a few seconds he stopped and marched across the floor to what used to be the corner of the room. He bent down onto his hands and knees and started pulling away the debris from the corner. Then he stopped and stood up slowly with a grim look on his face. In his hand he held a small circular device with several buttons on it.

“Everyone,” called Tom to the group of officers in front of him. “This is a very clever little device this is. It is a camera, a normal everyday video camera. A small one to be far but it is still a video camera. Most families these days buy them to take videos of holidays, their child’s first steps or all the other emotional and ‘precious’ moments of family life. When I first walked in the room this morning it was positioned on top of the cabinet pointed at the dining table. And I bet you if I get it to work now it will have recorded the entire events of the morning investigation and of the discovery of the bomb and the explosion. And if we look closer inside of it I bet my entire months salary that there is a transmitter sending the footage to a certain killer who has so far left us no clues.” Tom paused and looked around the room at the faces of his colleagues. “Who forgot to check the camera? Who didn’t check all the little gizmos and gadgets to see if any of them were any help with our investigation? They were watching us. They knew when to start the bomb. They planted it here so we would find it. They are warning us. They are testing us. They know everything we have done and found out! And they have murdered us… They have killed and been allowed to kill because we were caught off guard. They are one step ahead and we have nothing.” Tom looked down at the camera and stopped. A little green light was flashing in the corner of the lens.

“And they are watching us now…”
Dan is my name... What more is there to say!




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Hey Danny! Sorry it took me so long to get to a review. Well I'm here now :]

I have to say because I'm a little miffed with this chapter. You've added more emotion in yeah, but it's still only minimal considering the events you have here. And your description!! I said I loved this story because it reminded me of one of those Detective
shows, but you have to remember that it's still a piece of writing and to make it come to life in the readers mind you need to give them some imagery to work with.

For example you put a line like this;

rocking gently back and forth when he heard a sound on the other side of the door.

Rocking gently back and forth! That's a sign of madness, yet you only scratch on the possibilities. What about his other physical signs, palms sweating, rubbing his eyes because of lack of sleep, tapping his feet... and the emotions of being locked in a cell. Elaborate on that as well. What I suggest is climbing into a small, blank, confined space and seeing how you feel. Describe how your feeling, your fears, worries. Just because this is written in the third person doesn't mean it has to be distant.

Okay, enough of the rant. Time for the nitpicks.

He had been expelled from his home at 02:00am the previous morning and had spent the rest of the night in the station cell.


Expelled? That sounds wrong to me, like he's being dismissed from class rather than being rudely awakened and arrested. Just change it to a more appropriate word. You can take away the "in the station part", it's already clear that he's in the police station. I would just live it an cell, maybe add in some adjectives to make it "this dank cell", something on those lines.

He had been told he was under arrest for involvement in terrorism and conspiracy against the United Kingdom. He had been forced into a police car and driven across London until he arrived at the West End Police Station in which he had spent the rest of the night.


Again, I feel like I have De Ja'vu. Your doing that thing when you tell not show. Would I would put instead of this big paragraph of information is a flash back to when they told him the charges. Something like; "The words still echoed around Shaheen's head, words like terrorism...conspiracy...murder. It all seemed so cereal" [just an example]
Shaheen had never once been in prison.


Take out the once, it doesn't add anything.

He had never committed a single crime.


Again, take out the single. Also this line through me a bit, because it's conformation that he's innocent. I don't know, I just expected a bit of is he, isn't he business going on. But never mind.

All his energy was drained and he appeared to be only the shell of a once great man.


Ahh, take it out. Kill it. Burn the pieces!!!! A once great man? Would a great man cry hysterically on the floor after just a few hours of solitary confinement. He doesn't seem like a great man, he seems weak.

Hope flooded back though his body and for the first time that night and freedom felt only moments away.


I don't think he would be this desperate for escape, not after a night. It's not like they've tortured him or anything, he's just been sitting on the floor for a few hours. If he' this desperate to get out, why? Is he missing something, like a wedding or a christening, or his anniversary? Give us a bit of his background and why is so urgent to return to his life.
He stood up and moved towards the door, pressing his ear against the cold metal frame in an attempt to listen to what was going on in the station. He heard some mild commotion and a series of thuds before once again his world was plunged into silence. He waited five minutes, ten minutes, before concluding that no one was coming for him. He turned away from the door and sat back down. It was a further 20 minutes until he heard another sound.


Where's the emotion? Can you find any, because I can't. Add some in please, like how he feels disappointed when he thinks no one is coming for him. What is going through his head?

Shaheen watched as the lock was unlocked and the door was pulled open.


Maybe add in some sense of anticipation here.
“Hello Shaheen. I’m sorry. You are not free yet,” he said, slowly with an expressionless face. “We have one more job for you.”


Surely that's not how you talk to a suspected terrorist. You don't say sorry to them, do you?

Tom Fisher sat on the front step of what was left of the Cartman household. It was 7:00am but it felt much later and as the sun rose and people all across Britain awoke, Tom sat in silence, burning with rage and sadness.


Yay!!! :elephant: :mrgreen: :smt004 :smt005 Emotion!!!!!


Okay... I read through the rest and I'm actually quite happy with the other section. It's a lot better. I will leave you with these points;

:arrow: SHOW do not TELL, up to a point anyway. That's one of the fundamentals of writing.

:arrow: Description! You already know you need to do this a lot more, this story leaves a lot of room for description and without it, it seems almost hollow.

:arrow: Expansion. Small details and little things, like the character's background or flash backs. There favorite pair of reading glasses or the gun they prefer to carry on their left side...ect

:arrow: Numbers into Letters: I just noticed that when you wrote about times and dates and such you wrote them as 7 or 9. It's just a better to get into habit of writing seven, or nine instead.

Okay, I was really harsh at some points but it's only because I like this story, but then again you already knew that. A good chapter, I can't wait to find out, as they say "who dunn it"

Izzy
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Jean-Paul Sartre



Nobody wants to see the village of the happy people.
— Lew Hunter