The Keeper

colours of summer

dance unseen

to all but you

for the rest

escape in

oceans of misery

and waves of regret

your smile of white blossoms

eyes rejoice a forgotten dream

they gaze on what can not be lost

we will embrace you

under a cover of snow

sing for you we shall

in murky tones

we bless you

we bless you

we utterly bless you

The first question I have is, is this poem theme based on summer or all the seasons? I know it's metaphors and similes (honestly i still don't see the difference) but you talk about dancing in the summer and then towards the end you talk about getting covered in a blanket of snow. Summer and winter are exact opposites of each other so to be covered in a blanket of snow could mean to be covered in misery.

yeah that was the only question I really had. sorry for a crappy review!!!

Hi there! You have some beautiful imagery here, and I love that; the problem I'm seeing is that I don't know exactly what you're trying to say. In a way I feel that you've just written some pretty words without trying to convey anything. IMO, poetry isn't poetry unless there's some emotion behind it, so definitely try to get some more feelings across. LOVE those last three lines - maybe some more of that kind of awesomeness?

~Sunny

Hello. I'm Knightly, nice to meet ya.

This poem is beautiful. Your imagery as the others have said is vivid and breathtaking. A good poem raises emotions in a reader and this just made me picture nature so well and it even felt as if nature itself was the persona in the poem. I think that another quality of good poetry is that it makes you think. Another reviewer said that this poem was pretty in imaagery but didn't seem to have a concrete message. Truth is I disagree. What I got from this is the concept of a person who sees beauty where there is none. A person with clearer eyes than the rest of us. Whilst the others look at the world in apathy, this person looks on with passion. Thus because he sees the beauty of the world around him, he is blessed by nature.

Beautiful, beautiful poem. I'd love to read more. Keep writing.

--Knightly

To start off, you have no punctuation. In some poems, that's fine, but it's a very special case. Just because it's poetry doesn't mean that you can throw out traditional writing rules. If someone were to "prose-ify" your poem, it would read like this

VeraWinters wrote:colours of summer dance unseen to all but you for the rest escape in oceans of misery and waves of regret your smile of white blossoms eyes rejoice a forgotten dream they gaze on what can not be lost we will embrace you under a cover of snow sing for you we shall in murky tones we bless you we bless you we utterly bless you

See what a mess it is? I don't know where to break, where to pause, or where to switch voice. It's confusing, and if you confuse your reader, you lose any chance to impact them.

But, if we ignore the punctuation problem, it's an okay poem. A couple of things I noticed:

VeraWinters wrote:your smile of white blossoms

eyes rejoice a forgotten dream

By rearranging your words in the first line, you can have a really cool metaphor, such as "your white blossom smile" or something. However, "eyes" in the next line just sticks out, and not in a good way. What about the eyes? Are they significant, or did you just passively mention them, hoping to think up something better later on? Either take out "eyes", or expand on it. To go with your next line, it could be something like:

"your white blossoms smile
rejoice a forgotten dream,
and your [something descriptive] eyes
gaze on what cannot be lost."

Already, that's a really cool thing that's going on.

we will embrace you

under a cover of snow

sing for you we shall

in murky tones

we bless you

we bless you

we utterly bless you

The first two lines here are really cool. However, "sing for you we shall" is a little contrived. What was wrong with just saying "we will sing for you / in murky tones"? Answer: there was nothing wrong with it. I understand that you're trying not to be monotonous, but repeating part of a phrase twice isn't that bad.


Other than punctuation and some wording issues, it was a pretty good poem, but don't let it be just "pretty good". Work on it, expand it, and make it better.

Keep it up,
kf