The realm

Chapter three - Clash

Headmaster was pacing. Not a very unusual state for her, as Lily had observed over the years, but nevertheless, there was tension in her face, and that was enough to keep Lily quiet.
"You are sure you fainted?" her mother checked again. Lily nodded solemnly, her long ears swinging slightly.
"I feel fine," she said feebly. Headmaster did not slow her steps. Her lean figure swung around again and again, strands of amber hair flying around her.
Her mother paused. "Well –" She suddenly looked very pale, her green eyes tightening. "There – there wasn't anyone there, was there? Except for your two friends, I mean?" And before Lily could answer the lady answered herself. "No, no of course not! What was I thinking – never mind that, dear."
Lily interrupted her mother eagerly, forgetting about the no-interrupting-while-pacing rule she had set for herself since she was five. "No, there was someone there! I saw his red eyes – and then everything started getting blurry…" Her voice trailed on.
Her mother's pale skin was almost as bloodless as Nell's. "Oh dear," she breathed.
"Mom, calm down." Lily hurried to her mother's side, helping her find her way to a long, padded armchair. "Sit," Lily commanded. Her mother obediently followed.
"Now," Lily said after making sure her mother was seated, holding a warm cup of strong herbs mixed with hot water. "Mother, you need to explain what happened."
Receiving the cup from her daughter, headmaster's glasses slipped off her nose in surprise. "Oh dear," she giggled nervously, retrieving them as gracefully as ever. "Love, it's past your bedtime – I already told you I do not like you being out this late –"
"Mom, what happened?" There was no distracting Lily.
"Well –"
Lily saw her mother purse her lips, fiddle with her glasses, her long ears twitching nervously, glowing a soft orange by the fire in the fireplace.
"That is none of your business." There was sharpness in her tone, her green eyes – so much like Lily's – flashing. "You will do as you're told."
She uses that tone at school, Lily noted absently to herself. She had no hope of discussing this. Except that that wasn't right, Lily thought angrily.
"But it's my right to know what's happened to me, isn't it?" Lily exploded, her cheeks turning a blotchy red. Headmaster blinked, paused again, and then her face turned serious. What was it about this subject that was so off limits? What was so wrong that she couldn't possibly tell her?
"All in do time, child. Now off to bed," her mother scolded her.
Lily pouted, slipping silently toward her room. So much for help from her mother. Snuggling in her covers –greatly different than the covers that had covered her earlier that day – Lily made a decision. Her mother won't help. Fine. She'll find out on her own.
***
"How about we go over it one more time?" Nell's eager voice cut through everything else.
Damon pouted. "Honestly, Nell, I expected more."
Nell punched his shoulder, smirking as she saw him rub it relentlessly. "It's a great plan. Come on, water balloons on the teacher? Don't tell me you guys didn't want to smack her. I'm a vampire. I can tell."
"No, you can't!" Damon burst out, belligerent.
"Just because you think we told you all our powers 'cuz of the truce, than you're – what's the word – well, actually, I think Nymph would do." Unbothered by anything else, Nell giggled.
Damon's cheeks burned a bright red, his teeth sinking in to his lower lips. "Why you little darkness creature…" He watched her grimace with little satisfaction. Lily cut in between the two.
"She's a witch, Nell. She'll just cast it away or something."
"Fine, take his side! You didn't even listen all the way!" Nell's frosty blue eyes turned piercing, accusing.
Lily felt a twinge of guilt in her chest. "What next?" she asked reluctantly.
"You do some Elfin magic – just one tiny spell," she added when she saw Lily's expression. "Witches have nothing against Elves."
"And you don't think that the teacher will know?" Damon's eyes bulged out of their sockets. "Come on, Nell! There aren't many Elves in our class, and Lily will be the main target because she's associated with –" He seemed to catch himself in time. Lily gasped, elbowing him in the ribs. Damon looked too scared to protest.
"Because she's associated with me? Is that what you were saying?" Nell's voice took a dangerous tone. "A vampire?" Her sharp teeth clenched together. "She'll be targeted for hanging out with someone as dangerous, as untrustworthy, as a vampire? Is that what you were getting at?" Her tone of voice rose a few levels. Her perfect charcoal curls bounced up and down her neck line as she made her way toward Damon. "Is that what you were saying?" she hissed.
Lily shook her head wildly. "It's not like that Nell!"
Damon's cheeks burned red. "And what if it is?" he bellowed, "There, I said it! You think being your friends's been that easy on us?"
Lily shot him a severe glance with her green eyes. "It's worth it," she said coldly and distinctly.
Nell stood there, her face still carved in outrage, frozen. Then her jaw loosened and her pale, delicate hands locked into fists. "This was supposed to be fun." It both surprised and shocked Lily to hear her voice shaking. "Thought it would take you two longer to notice, though." She shrugged nonchalantly. "Being my friend isn't worth it – you were right."
Lily shook her head weakly, her confidence faltering – those two had always had a strained relationship, but she'd thought that after last night, after everything…"Nell, you listen to me! It isn't like that. We're still best friends." She paused when she sensed Damon's firm struggle with her will in the air. "All of us." She shot him a murderous glance.
"See, this is why we can't be friends." Nell's long teeth stood out as she spoke. "Damn shadow creatures. Always think they know best. Well –" She turned her back on the two. "I've had enough of that." And without looking back, she swung around and made her way toward the exit.
***
The edge of Nell's nose was pink – that was the first thing Lily noticed as she entered the class. The next thing she noticed was the person sitting next to Nell. Abel's red eyes were hidden by his long, white bangs.
"Took your time," Damon said cheerfully as she sagged on a chair beside him.
"Did you see that?" she hissed, her eyes moving toward Nell, she even made a little funny gesture with her hands in order to catch her attention. Nell looked oblivious of her friend's quiet struggles. Lily hesitated, then dropped the act.
"Yeah, look who she made friends with." Damon peered from behind Lily. "Don't know about you, but that guy always gave me the creeps."
"Creeps doesn't cover it," Lily murmured. Then she glanced sharply at the deep brown eyes, her green eyes fierce. "By the way, what was that all about?"
Damon's cheeks turned pink over his maple skin. "I-It's not what you think," he stammered, looking down. "It wasn't just because I got annoyed or something. It's just that… After I got home – my parents, they, they sat me down for a talk." Damon swallowed conspicuously, slumping down to Lily's height on his chair. The blush was replaced with a slightly grayish color over his cheeks. "They were uneasy – they didn't want to tell me what it was, no matter how I asked."
Lily looked at him warily. "Headmaster was like that – no matter what I said…"
Damon nodded, looking tired all of a sudden. His brown eyes held the green ones steadily. "I – I made them. It's my power; I found out last night. I think," he added nervously. "When, when I make a command… they have to follow. I think anyone does." He slumped down further. "And… they told me something about vampires. They told me about the Abbot child, about Nell – though she has little to do with it." His face looked frantic.
Lily put a now cold hand on Damon's shoulder. "Calm down," she said soothingly, barely hiding her anxiety. "You're all right."
Damon gave a tiny whimper, as if reaching the part that he'd feared most. "But you're not – Lily, can’t you see? They're after you!"
Something cold twisted in Lily's stomach. "Damon, what did your parents tell you?"
They were too deep in conversation to notice the lean figure that approached the table.
"Shadows," Abel nodded his head coldly, his voice like ice. The white hair still covered his eyes, but Lily could tell they were staring at Damon. With another surge of unease, Lily looked up hazily.
"Go away, Abel," she said in a low voice. The pale face turned to her, breaking contact with Damon. Beside her, she could feel him shudder.
"That's not a very nice thing to say, considering all that I'd done for you."
Ignoring him, Lily drew in a deep breath. "Damon, you and I need to talk, come on – let's get out of here." She tugged Damon by the hand; his usually warm skin felt cold with lack of blood. She turned to look at Abel, not making the connection until she saw his expression – his face was twisted with effort, a wry smile fighting its way through the crumpled features.
"Stop that!" she shrieked, jumping to her feet. Lily couldn't see who was looking, but she heard whispers begin to rise in the half empty classroom. She turned to Damon at once. His mouth was hanging open, the shiny brown hair damp with sweat.
Dragging him to the hallway by his arm, away from Abel and the whispered, she managed to yell, "Damon, get a grip!"
Her cry must have reached him, because he looked at her, his eyes wide with terror. "Go, Lily, go!" he whispered in horror. "I'll be fine – just – just save yourself!"
Lily stood her ground, still clutching Damon's arm. "What's going on?" she asked, tears of panic dripping down her nose.
"I'll tell you later, Lily – promise – but there's just no time! They're after you!"
"Who's after me? Damon!" she cried.
His cold hands caressed the side of her head, once. Then he turned around. "You have to go, Lily!" There was new urgency in his voice.
And for some reason, Lily believed him. And then she was running, and everything was fading, not like fainting – the welcoming darkness did not await her around the corner, but something much, much more nasty.

I don't know about this chapter, it seems to come a little soon. It's gripping and brilliant, just a little sudden. No build up, no hints, just straight into the plot. As I said before, it's a brilliant chapter, but the reader has no way of guessing what could be happening, you havn't given them enough information to do so, it's like I have read chapter two followed by chapter 6. If I were you I would wait and use this chapter later, because I love it and it works very well, just not yet, because otherwise your character will have too little to look back and be happy about as her life finds new meanings. You have painted a very simple picture with your last two chapters and suddenly everything is very complicated.
Just an idea, and I do love it, just yeh. PM me if you want anyone to bounce ideas off of, now I have read all three chapters.

Maddy

Hi ofir, here's your review as requested. Sorry it's a bit late, school has started for me so I've gotten rather busy.

, there was tension in her face, and that was enough to keep Lily quiet.

The "there was" phrasing is awkward, and I'd like to see the headmaster's tension a bit more clearly--is her brown wrinkled, her jaw clenched? Those kinds of signs will be more effective than just saying she's tense.

Lily interrupted her mother eagerly, forgetting about the no-interrupting-while-pacing rule she had set for herself since she was five.

Cute. ^^ Nice bit of characterization for both mother and daughter.

helping her find her way to a long, padded armchair.

I don't tend to think of armchairs as being "long"; it's a bizarre image.

holding a warm cup of strong herbs mixed with hot water.

The "warm" is redundant because the "hot" already conveys that the cup is warm.

Receiving the cup from her daughter, headmaster's glasses slipped off her nose in surprise.

The way this sentence is phrased implies that Headmaster's glasses are receiving the cup, which I don't think you mean.

Also, "Headmaster" should be capitalized, if you are just calling her that like a title instead of just calling her "the headmaster".

"Oh dear," she giggled nervously, retrieving them as gracefully as ever.

All these adverbs in close proximity. Find a way to get rid of at least one, both would be great.

There was sharpness in her tone

Try "her tone was sharp". You want to avoid the "there was" construction in writing as much as possible, since it's clutter.

She uses that tone at school, Lily noted absently to herself. She had no hope of discussing this. Except that that wasn't right, Lily thought angrily.

The "noted absently to herself" part just feels a bit...off...to me. I don't know exactly why that is, but it feels rather clunky and it doesn't seem like Lily would be letting her thoughts wander at such an important time. Not to mention, you have a profusion of adverbs!

Actually, you can delete both "Lily noted/thougth" parts, since the story's already from Lily's perspective. We can just assume that they are indeed her thoughts.

Headmaster blinked, paused again, and then her face turned serious.

You did a good job conveying Lily's anger in the previous part without actually saying she was angry, but here you could do better. How does her face become serious? Show us her physical reaction.

What was so wrong that she couldn't possibly tell her?

Pronoun confusion here. Change either the "she" to Headmaster, or the "her" to Lily so it becomes more clear.

Her mother won't help. Fine. She'll find out on her own.

You've got a tense change here--either turn this to first person so it's her thoughts, or change it to past tense to match the rest of the story.

"How about we go over it one more time?" Nell's eager voice cut through everything else.

And what might this nebulous "everything else" be? I think you mean the sounds around her, but it's not quite clear when you word it so vaguely.

"Just because you think we told you all our powers 'cuz of the truce, than you're – what's the word – well, actually, I think Nymph would do."

I really don't understand at all what Nell is trying to say here. I've read it seveal times, but it just confuses me even more. Is there a word missing in here, or is it just some element of backstory that hasn't been introduced yet? Whatever it is, you should rephrase this line.

Unbothered by anything else, Nell giggled.

The vagueness of "anything else" again...and I don't see what the "unbothered" part has to do with anything. The sentence would be better off without it.

"Why you little darkness creature…"

"Darkness creature" seems a bit too long to be an effective insult.

Her perfect charcoal curls bounced up and down her neck line

The description of Nell's hair, thrown into such a tense scene, ruins the moment. It's unnecessary and draws the reader out of the tension. Remove it and concentrate not on how perfect Nell's hair is, but her anger.

"It's worth it," she said coldly and distinctly.

How can anyone speak "distinctly"? Not to mention, watch the adverbs.

She paused when she sensed Damon's firm struggle with her will in the air.

I'm a bit confused by what this means.

"Damn shadow creatures. Always think they know best. Well –"

"Shadow creatures"? I'm a bit lost as to what she means by that, since both Damon and Lily are associated with light.

"Did you see that?" she hissed, her eyes moving toward Nell, she even made a little funny gesture with her hands in order to catch her attention.

There needs to be a full stop after "Nell", and the next clause should be its own sentence.

Nell looked oblivious of her friend's quiet struggles.

The proper phrase would be "oblivious to".

With another surge of unease, Lily looked up hazily.

She turned to look at Abel, not making the connection until she saw his expression – his face was twisted with effort, a wry smile fighting its way through the crumpled features.

Again, I don't quite get what you're trying to say here. Rephrase it less ambiguously.

"I'll be fine – just – just save yourself!"

...please don't tell me you're using that phrase seriously. It's become so cliche that it's lost all meaning. Think of a more original thing for him to say.

but something much, much more nasty.

"More nasty" is correct English, but it's more common to say "nastier".

Overall thoughts:

To be perfectly honest, my dominant emotion while reading this was confusion. Quite a few things were happening that I didn't understand. Most of that confusion stems from the things happening without sufficient explanation. The argument with Nell and the entirety of the final scene in particular--though I like that you're having conflict between your main characters instead of having them get along with each other all the time, which would be unrealistic. The reasons for the conflict are also intriguing, as they seem to tie into an overarching conflict in your story--that between the more "dark" creatures (such as vampires) and the lighter ones like the elves and nymphs. It's a great way of showing how society affects individuals.

However, the trouble with the conflict is that feels too...sudden. You've shown no real hints of discord between the three friends before until this chapter. It'd feel a lot more believable if you constantly portrayed Damon's and Nell's relationship as tense, and Lily has to act as the mediator between them. As it is, the conflict has nothing to support it.

And the last scene...well, I don't understand anything that's going on. I understand you're aiming for an air of mystery, but mystery works so well because everything is explained except for that one key facet. Not a bunch of things happening with no explanation. And it was way too much, much too fast. I agree with MiriamHannah that this entire chapter is too fast and sudden. The previous two chapters were doing a good job of setting up the world and characters, but this one suddenly comes and throws the plot in without giving me time to really get acquainted to the characters and used to the world.

In particular, I'd like to see more about the school. As it is now, it feels more like the backdrop of a stage than a setting in its own right. You could tell some intriguing stories with the main characters' school lives, but the school barely factors in as a setting--I can't even picture it, since I don't remember it ever being described. Showing us more of the students' daily lives at school, the differences between the magical school and normal schools, will not only solidify the characters and setting, but it'll also be a wonderful chance to do some more worldbuilding. Through the way the students interact and divide into cliques, you could show the tensions that exist between the darker creatures and the lighter ones. Also, I'd like to know how Lily's status as Headmaster's daughter affects the way other students view her--I get the feeling the popular girls would all be jealous of her and despise her, but that's not really shown her.

It's odd, because normally I don't like high school stories, but I feel that a high school style setting would work at least for the beginning chapters, the ones where you're still setting up the story and haven't entered the overarching plot yet. You rush past the school scenes too quickly to give us any real depth into them, though.

As always, your writing style is engaging and in most cases gets the point across clearly. The only major problem I noticed was a preponderance of adverbs--remember, if you can get away with it, try not to use a single adverb at all. It is difficult getting rid of the pesky things and sometimes they're absolutely necessary, but the less you can use the better. Don't use adverbs to modify verbs--show us the scene through physical actions and nuances.

I'm intrigued by this story, and would love to read more. Which is bizarre, because hte "magical school" genre is one that I'm not terribly fond of. Your characters are endearing enough, and your world intriguing, that I've become drawn in. I just think you need to slow your pace down a bit.

PM if you have any questions, and the best of luck in your endeavors. ^^