Hopeless Paradise

This is my entry to Rosey’s ‘Which Path to Take’ contest. Hopefully it suffices and please review! I would love you very much if you were harsh ^_^. Rip it apart and I’ll give you cookies too! .

Hopeless Paradise


It was all over now.

The war’s daunting cry lead me here to this place I vowed never to return and yet the only place in which was safe. The place of my escape and the place of my eternal damnation.

The sun hit the blood-red sky in a last attempt at luring me back to the hills that now ran crimson, death’s drone pulling me back to where I should have taken my last breath. My family was there, slain among the many who had fallen. The innocent, the weak, the poor, the sick. They all perished in the flames of wrath and malevolence as was how life’s cruel hand crushed all hope left. All that was for certain was this cursed place stood as a gateway to freedom. This entryway into heaven or hell.

I struggled with my battered feet, bloodied and raw as my calloused hands reached for anything around me that felt solid, whole. The cave was deep within the farthest reaches of Renoth, past the valleys and hollows that marked this place as my home. This land that once blossomed with prosperity now burned to the ground in a fiery Armageddon. All but was left was this single cave leading to somewhere… anywhere but here.

I could see ominous glow of crystal shards enveloping from deep within the unknown cave. My feet would for sure hit water soon… a comforting thought, if one at all. Water was life. Water was hope.

And sure enough I felt the cool sensation of liquid splash against my feet in a sombre, bittersweet moment, hands jetting out frantically in search of the rope in which tied a small, wooden rowboat to the shoreline. It was a small lagoon, no more then a few leagues wide, but one in which I could not swim in fear of what lurked beneath the pitch black water, as still as if covered by a screen of glass.

After a few minutes of cursing and fingering the ground, I finally found the thick cord and pulled gingerly as the silhouette of a boat appeared before me.

It didn’t take me long to struggle into the boat, body flopping around like a fish as it swayed too and fro, threateningly close to the blackened waters. A fate worse then death it would have been if I was to have fallen.

I readied myself in the boat before pulling a small blade out of my pocket and cutting the thick cord that held me land-bound. I was now at the mercy of the creatures that lurked below, and yet I would not fear it. No, this was no time of fear now that everything was gone, for when all is lost, is there really anything left to fear?

Maybe death would have been a release. A swift ending to this miserable life that was no more worth living. Gracia had stared at me with this wide, brown orbs of hers, mouth agape as the sword’s unforgiving blow struck her to the ground. I couldn’t make it in time to save her, could not run fast enough, hold my head high enough. My beautiful girl was now floating within the depths of mortalities greatest fear, for the ground was where we derived from, and so to the ground must we return.

But my baby boy… my little Benjamin…

I could feel my stomach lurch and I found myself hurling over the side of the boat, body clenched and tears spilling angrily down my face. I was drifting towards the crystal’s light. The tender embrace of creamy cyan’s and warm pinks. It was almost comforting to these old, worn eyes of mine.

I pushed myself up, fingers reaching for the ores in another attempt at pushing forward towards the one thing that was left. The light at the end of the tunnel, for what was left for the eternally damned such as myself? Always chasing after something out of my reach seemed worthy enough fate since I could not reach her in time.

This was the place that brought war. The cave that would be my saving grace was the tunnel the brought fire and destruction to the only home I had ever known. I remembered that day, long ago when I had seen the soldiers marching from within the crimson cave, glowing red with the fires of war. They were lifeless creatures, no more human then a weapon. They marched with anger, with hatred, with malice.

Being myself, I had thought nothing of it, and in that I was stupid. I was wrong.

“Gracia, I will find you someday,” I spoke with a cracked voice, barely audible to even my own ears. It was the voice of someone who could no longer speak of the warm memories in which once shaped my world.

The ore splintered my hands, and cracked under my fingertips yet I still continued on in this relentless chase for freedom. This insatiable desire for a place in which I could forget.

I was almost at shore now, the glow so bright I could finally see things that had seemed so weak before. The crystals shone with the brightness of stars, each leaving me with this unquenchable thirst for the openings in the caves in which were now only mere meters away.

When I hit land, I scrambled to my feet in a mad attempt at hitting ground instead of water and in that I hit shards or rocks which battered my knees and ankles farther. The pain seeped up into my core as the blood trickled down in long droplets. There was no time for pain though. I had to make it out, to free myself of this turmoil, and of that I would.

I grabbed at the crystals to pull me to my feet and then scurried up the dirt path towards the most enchanting sight of all. A sight that put even the crystal’s starlight to shame. There were the gates to other realms. Places of strange, of old, of new. One showed the endless softness of spring, pink cherry blossoms covering the trees as the sky coloured soft yellow and gentle blue. The second was of a hilled valley, massive with grass long and blowing serenely in the wind. A place of peace… I turned my eyes towards the third on the far right. It was of a paradise. An obvious choice for the perfect place to go, of grassy knolls and waterfalls. Sunny days and endless happiness.

I knew I would have taken this entryway if it was not for the one that caught my eye. The last of all the entryways, standing high above the rest. It was the colour of navy, planets whirling around in an endless orbit as the sky twinkled with white stars. The world of no land, no tethers to the earth below.

And I climbed.

I struggled with myself as I scaled the side of the cave, feet digging into the walls as I scampered closer and closer to the gateway to a world where there was nothing that could remind me of Gracia. No ties, no bounds, no nothing.

I grasped the entryway with my fingertips and then in one last push I swung myself straight through the portal.

**

I could not tell you what possessed me to come to this world where I floated now. There was no air in my lungs, no light to shine upon me. There was no food to eat, nor water to drink. No land to walk, no sound to hear. There was nothing but the sight of planets zooming by. Of the last glimpses of a world in which left me feeling full once more. I was floating with Gracia in the heavens… where I lost my life and found peace.

The End.

~~

So that was all. Hope you enjoyed it

You asked for a good ripping apart, so I'll see what I can find.

It was all over now.

The war’s daunting cry lead me here to this place I vowed never to return and yet the only place in which was safe. The place of my escape and the place of my eternal damnation.

The sun hit the blood-red sky in a last attempt at luring me back to the hills that now ran crimson, death’s drone pulling me back to where I should have taken my last breath. My family was there, slain among the many who had fallen. The innocent, the weak, the poor, the sick. They all perished in the flames of wrath and malevolence as was how life’s cruel hand crushed all hope left. All that was for certain was this cursed place stood as a gateway to freedom. This entryway into heaven or hell.

Lead should be "led."

Congratulations, you've written a monologue. Monologues can be great, especially for character rants. They allow the author or the character to rant about something. However, monologues are fraught with danger. Because monologues tend to be on the long side, the topics of the monologues must be interesting to the reader. If the monologue is boring, then the reader will become bored.

Comedy monologues are worth studying. They can talk on a topic for several minutes at a time and still have a captive audience.

Unfortunately, this monologue is not captivating. It's over-dramatized purple prose. If you were the narrator and you had just gone through Armageddon, would you be shocked at your survival among so many dead? Or would you suddenly start saying things like

"My family was there, slain among the many who had fallen. The innocent, the weak, the poor, the sick. "

Really???

The worst part is your focus on color. If you're going to call the sky "blood red" and the hills "crimson," then you are only describing the colors. Hell should be more than a paint scheme.

I would start by describing the battlefield. It is quiet and it is covered in a shroud of smoke. The narrator is walking through mud, caused by all the blood on the ground. The squirting of the mud is the only sound. He is staggering past bodies, in various shapes and conditions. Some of the bodies have their jaws hanging open in a silent scream. Some of the bodies have begun to sink into the mud, while others may be preyed on by scavengers.

Instead of a monologue, I would rely on the descriptions to tell the story of what happened before. The story won't be complete, but that serves an artistic purpose: nobody truly does know just how it happened. I rely mostly on verbs to carry the story forward. Each sentence tells us where the character is and adds additional grim details.

I do use adjectives, but very rarely. When I do use them, it is to add a slightly dramatic detail. "Shroud" for instance is associated with mourning, while "silent" contrasts "scream" to add a creep factor.

By avoiding the monologue, I turn the narrator into a silent observer, allowing the reader to become the observer. He isn't telling the story, we are experiencing it, through his eyes and senses.

I hope this gives you a better idea on how to add more depth to the story.

It is a very good story..however, as Griffinkeeper pointed out, I got a bit bored as I continued to read, to be honest. However, that is just my humble opinion, for I am only a novice when it comes to this. On the other hand, congratulations, you made quite a stupendous effort!

Thank you both for your reviews, and thank you kindly for your pointers, griffinkeeper . I initially went out to give a more duratic monologue as I had originally planned to make this into one. I thought it would be interesting to take it from that perspective and I thank you on being somewhat harsh .

Hi Dreamwalker,

I'm afraid I struggled with this piece. There are a lot of technical errors - the second sentence alone has two of them. The writing was a little purple, to the extent that I couldn't always follow what you were talking about. For example, I have no idea what "death's drone" is, nor exactly what "flames of wrath and malevolence" are, nor if "life's cruel hand" and the "gateway to freedom" etc etc are literal (this being a fantasy) or metaphors for something or other. I'm not rooted enough in this world to be able to follow wild flights of imagery.

I didn't follow the plot very well. A "war's daunting cry" (whatever that is) has caused the narrator to return after an unspecified period to the devastated wasteland where his/her family died. Why he's returned, I have no idea. He goes into a cave, and there's a rowboat there for some reason, and he goes out into the middle of the lake, again for no apparent reason. We don't find out why until the end of the story, and even then it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. The narrator's family died, so he goes through a portal? I'm not following the cause and effect logic here.

The final part lost me completely. The narrator stepped through an interplanatary or interdimensional portal of some kind, and ... it killed him and he went to heaven? Or he literally went to a literal place that just seems like heaven? Or he's now actually in space and that's heavenly for some reason? And Gracia is there, but is that figurative or literal? Is she actually there? Is she a figment of the narrator's imagination?

Pretty lost, I'm afraid.

Karsten

Last Minute Views
What you can do to improve:
-Add in more thoughts and, especially, feelings. As a reader I’m following this journey of your MC so I want to know what motivates him to do what he’s doing all the time and I also want to understand it...

-Expand and make things clearer. Now, the biggest thing you need to work on is making the sequence of events and the situations and settings surrounding your MC clear, expanded on and understandable. You’ve got to remember that readers who are reading this don’t have access to your thoughts whilst you were writing this, so will not understand everything that can go unsaid for you to still understand. Do you get where I’m coming from? I do this all the time, it’s just a matter of not saying everything that you mean, therefore making the events harder to follow/understand.

-Be careful not to overdo your descriptions. Whilst they are amazing and the imagery you create and your choice of vocabulary breathtaking, it can just sometimes be just a bit too much, you know? Like at the start I felt like I was having an information overload, and that things just need to be toned down a little. But only a little! As what you have at the moment is great =D.


The best bits:
-As I said above, your choice of vocabulary and the striking image you conjure up at the beginning.

-The whole concept of the story. I just love the actual storyline and especially the ending. I felt like you ended it in a perfect way and that any other way would have just been wrong!! So great job on plot choice and storyline =D.

-Your MC has quite a strong voice, but he just needs to make it a little stronger by making use of expressing his emotions/feelings.


Overall Thoughts
This is a great bit of writing, Dreamwalker, and a truly enjoyable read. I completely admire your vocabulary and the images you create through your descriptions – just amazing. Great job on this and good luck with the contest! I’m sure you’ll do great. (:
I hope this helped you out, and if you have any questions at all regarding the review, or anything else, please don’t hesitate to PM me as you know I’ll be happy to help!! =D

Keep Writing!!
--Lucy xx

Thank you all for your wonderful reviews . And it will help me out a lot!

Just a few things I would like to point out though..

For example, I have no idea what "death's drone" is, nor exactly what "flames of wrath and malevolence" are, nor if "life's cruel hand" and the "gateway to freedom" etc etc are literal (this being a fantasy) or metaphors for something or other.

It really is all about imagery. I did not wish any of it to be literal but give you a sense of this forboding that caused him so much grief. 'Life's cruel hand' symbolizes the hellishness that life entails us all. That life, in itself, is pain. "Death's drone" is the simplicity and unwaning solidarity that is death. It's all imagery to give you the sense of what I was speaking of. Not to mention this is a short story, not a novel. It is shown in a few pages what could be shown in a few hundred pages.

I also disagree fully on the idea that fantasy is very much imagery for without imagery, what really is there in fantasy? It is mean't to show you a whole new perspective. A whole new world. To make one without imagery would be making nothing at all.

(Sorry, I just wanted to get that across)

~The.Dreamwalker

It was all over now.

This beginning was good. It's not much of a hook, but at least it gets the readers into the story.

The war’s daunting cry lead me here to this place I vowed never to return and yet the only place in which was safe. The place of my escape and the place of my eternal damnation.

Change "this" to "the" since you refer to the place as "the" later.
Also, it can't really be eternal damnation because I'm assuming the MC is human? It can be a lifetime, but unless it's eternal damnation for everyone, and everyone to come, then it's not eternal.

The sun hit the blood-red sky in a last attempt at luring me back to the hills that now ran crimson, death’s drone pulling me back to where I should have taken my last breath.

You see this? This a one looong sentence. Even the part before the comma is lengthy. Your imagery is good, but you put way too much and make your descriptions way too complicated. Writing is not about making your descriptions and fancy schmancy as possible. It's not about saying a little in a lot of words. It's about finding the right words, the ones that flow.

My family was there, slain among the many who had fallen. The innocent, the weak, the poor, the sick. They all perished in the flames of wrath and malevolence as was how life’s cruel hand crushed all hope left. All that was for certain was this cursed place stood as a gateway to freedom. This entryway into heaven or hell.

You're using too many adjectives! Only use what's necessary. Spread out your descriptions, otherwise you'll run out very soon. Also, it's really hard to follow with all the sugar-coating words you use. By sugar-coating, I mean the extras.

I struggled with my battered feet [s]bloodied and raw[/s] as my calloused hands reached for anything around me that felt solid, whole.

You don't need to describe everything Not too much, not too little.

The cave was deep within the farthest reaches of Renoth, past the valleys and hollows that marked this place as my home. This land that once blossomed with prosperity now burned to the ground in a fiery Armageddon.

This is pretty good, nothing I don't see anything wrong with it.

All [s]but[/s] was left was this single cave leading to somewhere…[s] anywhere but here. [/s]

You don't need to "but" and you don't need the extra "anywhere but here". They're just load-ish.


----------

Okay, I'm going to stop here. What it seems to me is that you've sugar-coated everything, made all of your descriptions too long and frilly that it distracts the reader from the main point. What you need to do is chop this down, and get only the descriptions and words that are absolutely necessary.

Your story seems to have an interesting story, though ^^ Just fix your descriptions, and I'll be back for the next installment.

Remember to not write for others' satisfaction, but your own

-Shina

Hey Dreamwalker, Stella here! So basically, I'm entering the contest too, but I'm giving all the other entrants last minute critiques

I. NITPICKS

The war’s daunting cry lead me here to this place

led.

as was how life’s cruel hand crushed all hope left.

Um... as was?

All but was left was this single cave leading to somewhere… anywhere but here.

All that, maybe?

enveloping from deep within the unknown cave.

enveloping?

as it swayed too and fro,

to and fro.

creamy cyan’s and warm pinks. It was almost comforting to these old, worn eyes of mine.

No apostrophe.

no more human then a weapon.

Than...

"Gracia, I will find you someday,” I spoke with a cracked voice,

I spoke isn't a tag, so that should be a full stop...

II. EXCITEMENT

Some of your descriptions here are lovely, but I think their length and depth take away from the overall excitement of the piece.

Sometimes shorter sentences work better, they're more immediate and they'll draw the eye more. Try and inject more adrenaline, exhaustion, fear, into your writing. I know your character is feeling it, but I'm a bit "So what?"

If you want us to really feel for your character, we've got to be living and breathing these moments with him...

III. UH, WHAT?

You're very vague about the place. War comes from there, seemingly everything terrible does. But why? And why does your MC know about it? Why is it the safe haven still, even though it's such a terrible place? The other worlds, what are they? Are they all bad? Are they all the afterlife?

IV. CHARACTERS

We didn't know a whole lot about your MC, and Gracia, for the most part, I assumed was their daughter, though I guessed different by the end. I know it's a short piece, and I know it's near to the deadline so you won't be able to fix anything probably before the contest begins, but some development wouldn't go amiss...

V. OVERALL

All that said, I'm being really harsh. I liked your descriptions and it's a very different interpretation from many of the others... I'd say good luck, but I'll bbe competing with you

Hope I helped- drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hiya Dreamwalker!

This is rather late, but here is your review for entering my contest! I was judging on plot, characters, use of picture/world and an "other" category for things that didn't fit into the above.

Plot: I found it okay. There wasn't really a plot here, since this was a monologue, but I found there could have been something more here. I liked how he went back to the place where he unleashed the plague, but at the same time the ending felt under explained. I didn't know who this guy was (older brother, husband, father) and I didn't completely connect with who he was and the pain he'd be feeling. The ending was weak because of that.

Characters: Like I mentioned before I couldn't really get into your MC's head. I wasn't sure what he was thinking or even who he was. The whole work just seemed to focus on how he felt he needed a way out; there wasn't really any remorse that I could feel. The first person wasn't used to it's full advantage that way, because I never really felt like any of the prose lines were "his." They sounded like the author talking through him.

Use of picture/World: I enjoyed the world, or at least the concept, as you went along. I even enjoyed the choice he made... to a point. The "point" being what I mentioned before in the plot segment. Him dying and wanting to die felt a bit extreme with how I thought he was feeling.

Other: The vocabulary dragged this down, I find. Such sophisticated language detracted from what was actually happening, which really hurt the work. Every sentence at the beginning I had to read over in order to understand, but there was a certain flow to this. Still, I found some passages so complex I could barely follow.

Good luck in the future,

~Rosey