The River

The river roared with the ferocity of a lion. Two classmates, who had previously been unknown to each other (although Claire had a crush on George), stare at it; one full of fear, the other full of excitement.
“Trust me, it’s really OK.” said George.
“B-but Father said- “Claire stuttered.
“Are you really gonna let Father Greg control your life?” George reassured.
“No, but-“Claire mumbled.
“Well, then, come on!” George yelled.
They both slowly crept up to the bank of the river; the water was splashing so heavily that they were already wet up to their knees.
“W-wait! W-what about sharks? What if there are sharks in the river?” Claire panicked.
“Oh my god, Claire! NO. There are no sharks in the river. There aren’t even any sharks for a thousand miles! So get in the water and swim to the other side so the other kids won’t laugh at us; we’re the last ones to go!” barked George.
“I don’t even wanna do this…Why do we have to?” Claire mumbled.

Truthfully, no one in their entire village knew why. But still, every year when the river was raging the strongest, teenagers would go out and cross it in order to be accepted by their peers. It had been going on forever, since the village was founded. Almost everyone and their grandparents had crossed the river, and the ones who didn’t always left the village, maybe even the state. And George did NOT want to be one of those people.
“Well, I didn’t even want to be paired with you, but Tommy chooses ‘cause he’s the strongest.” replied George
“Well, Ho-How ‘bout you j-just go on your own… you know, w-without m-me?” Claire stammered.
“No, Claire. You know the rules; we all go in groups of two. And you and I are going. Now.” George ordered.
Then George snatched her hand and jumped into the river with her. Without warning her, George made a mad dash towards the other side, floundering about and waving his arms; he didn’t know how to swim. They had to swim for their lives as the waves crashed against them and tried to push them downstream; it seemed as if Mother Nature had a vendetta against them.
But finally, George threw himself onto the dirt and dug his fingers into the grass and mud. Without any concern for Claire, he threw himself and lay there on the ground, gasping like a fish. Claire was able to get her hand into the mud, but she knew she couldn’t stay there long.
“George, I really need your help up!” Claire yelled.
He didn’t say anything.
“I can tell you’re okay! I see you breathing!” Claire shouted.
Still no reply.
Finally Claire decided she had had enough and she attempted to hoist herself up. But, as soon as she got her waist out of the water, the chunk of soil she was holding onto split off and sunk down. Claire lost her grip and the water whisked her down the river. At first she felt panicked; worried about how she was going to get back up, what was going to happen. She kept trying to grab a piece of the bank, but the rapids were too strong for her.
Then, suddenly, a strange calm came over Claire. Maybe it was hypothermia from the water, maybe she was just crazy. She just let the waves move her down the river, and everything seemed to be lighter and more serene. Once she realized that she couldn’t possibly get out, she actually thought “this might be a good thing.” And as the water was rushing her towards to her final resting place, she didn’t think of what George would do (he would deny ever being with her) or what would happen to her toys (given to little sister). She knew that future generations would tell their children about her, that she would save other children from this crazy adolescent ritual. She was almost happy she would be the reason nobody crossed the river any more.

Hiya, Hypknowsis!

You've got a pretty good idea here, the makings of a great story, but for me to really get into it, you're going to have to expand it quite a bit. Slow down the pace! Give the readers more of what the characters are thinking and feeling. We want more detail. We want the story to pull us in and hold us in suspense, waiting for what's going to happen next. So how can you do that? Here are a few examples:

• Explain more about George's dilemma with not being able to swim. Be a little bit more specific on how he flailed about, show us what he was thinking. Let us feel his fear, or... whatever. Truthfully, the reader doesn't know exactly what emotion George is feeling as he fights the river, and that's not good. How can we relate to him if we don't know how he feels?

• What is George doing on the bank when he sees Claire getting whisked into the river? Or maybe he doesn't see her, since he's still lying there, but he's at least going to hear her. Does he yell for her? Does he immediately feel guilty because he didn't help her? Does he try to come up with a way to save her? Anything? Tell us his side. In addition, what is Claire's physical reaction? You say she's terrified. Show us. Maybe she screams. Maybe she flails around and tries to swim back. Give us a little bit more depth.

• In that block of dialogue at the very beginning, give us a bit more thought between the sentences. You're writing in third person omniscient, meaning that we, as readers, need to check into both of their heads periodically. For example, what really makes Claire agree to going into the water (before the bit about the sharks?) How does the Father Greg statement affect her internally? Also, try expressing the fact that George is frustrated with Claire at the beginning of the conversation. That first spoken line can be heard in a reader's mind in so many different ways.

I know you can do these things, because when you [i]did[/] go into depth in this piece, it was eloquent and well-written. When you went into detail about how the characters were feeling, and how, specifically, they were acting, it was very good. Let's see some more of that.

One more thing. Cut the parentheses. All of them hold irrelevant information and they take away from the story. They sound almost like they're interrupting the storyline. In the first one, in the first line, you even contradict yourself. How can they not know each other if Claire had a crush on him? And find a different way to tell us what George would do when the others found him... maybe have Claire thinking it at some point.

Other than what I've stated above, this is really my only nitpick:

Once she realized that she couldn’t possibly get out, she actually thought “this might be a good thing.”

The part in quotation marks should really be italicized, since she's thinking it and not saying it.

I really do like your idea, and I think it would make an amazing story. I'd love to read this piece again if you decide to expand it.

~Ima