Introduction

I guess it all started when my mum left. I mean hell! I don’t blame her. I would leave. If I could, I’d leave too. Dad told us that she had just had enough of everything and couldn’t cope with us all anymore. I would too; Dad was in debt, Leo was constantly in trouble and her business had gone bankrupt. I would leave.
She was a free spirit he used to tell us. She needed something we couldn’t give her.
It was good for her, but it sucked for us. When my mum left, my dad kind of fell apart. I mean, he has a good job and everything, he just about pays the bills, he’s paid off his debt, he has us but I guess he still misses her. I kind of miss her too. Sometimes I think I hear her voice in the kitchen when I come home from school, so I run in, hoping she has come home and find it’s just the radio or something. I can tell it gets to Immie sometimes, I mean; she was only eight when mum left, so she kind of had to grow up without her. Which I think is really sad. I think she still hopes that one day mum might come back.
I don’t know if dad drunk a lot before, and mum protected us from it, or if he started drinking after mum left but he started coming home late, heavily drunk. It generally depended on his mood as to what he did. Sometimes he would do stupid stuff that was funny. I would joke about it to my friends because somehow it seemed as if I was making the best of it. If he was depressed or angry then he’d tend to shout and smash stuff against the walls. He never touched me – but occasionally he’d lay a hand on Leo, if he had done something really out of line. It was terrifying; I have to admit it was terrifying. I tried to stop him hitting Leo, but there was nothing I could do. He was just so worked up, so angry. If it was anyone else Leo would have fought back, but he told me that he can’t hit dad. He could never hit him back. I mean, Leo does some pretty stupid stuff but he doesn’t deserve to get hit for it. I don’t think so, but that might be because I’m biased, because he’s my brother.
We protect Immie from it, Leo and I, we have to really. I mean – she’s getting a bit wise to it now because she’s twelve, and I think she realises that all the shouting isn’t the telly anymore, but she never says anything about it and Leo having bruises and cuts isn’t exactly unusual, so she’s stopped asking about them too.
Sometimes I wish that she would come back, and see the mess we’re in and wish that she had never left us. I get mixed emotions towards my mum. Sometimes I get angry at her; I think that she was selfish, selfish to leave us in the mess we’re in. As if all of this shit is her fault. Sometimes I say to myself that I don’t want her to come back – but I know I do. I act as if I hate her to my friends and to Leo, but all I want is for her to come back. I miss the way her heels used to clatter in the hallway when she got home from work. I miss her perfume; I miss her humming to the radio while we were eating breakfast. I miss her loud, dirty laugh which made everyone smile. I miss her suddenly pulling me up and waltzing with me around the room. I miss watching her dance. She was an incredible dancer. She always had such grace when she moved, the way she flowed, the pleasure it gave her made it pleasurable for me. The way that when she did competitions the audience would be captivated by her and a little proud voice in me would want to jump up and shout, “That’s my mum! Isn’t she incredible?!”
I just want her to come back.
To see her dance one last time would make me happier that you could comprehend. I guess that’s why I still dance. It’s the only link to her that I have left, other than a bottle of perfume, a pair of her dance shoes, some of her jewellery and her silk bathrobe that I keep in a box under my bed. I mean – photos are nice. I get to see how beautiful she was, how much I look like her, dark, glossy hair, bright blue eyes, tanned skin and all - but sometimes photos aren’t enough. Photos are dead, in a manner of speaking. I need a link that I can smell or touch or… feel. That’s why I dance. It’s not only my link to her; it’s also something that I love. My mum’s ballroom dance school went bankrupt years ago, shortly before she left. Although the building was repossessed but her partner, Keith, still runs classes that the community centre so I go to them, every week. The one thing I live for, that hauls me through a week of crap. It might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it gives me pleasure, something to look forward to, confidence in something I know I’m good at.
Something that makes a shy girl feel confident and beautiful for those few pleasurable hours in her week.

I guess it all started when my mum left.

I didn't like this opening. This is very cliche and overused. It made me think 'Here we go again,' type of thing.

I mean hell! I don’t blame her. I would leave. If I could, I’d leave too.

This was extremely confusing. You put your punctuation in all the wrong places. May try this:
'It's not as if I blame her. Hell, if I could, I would leave too.'

Dad told us that she had just had enough of everything and couldn’t cope with us all anymore. I would too; Dad was in debt, Leo was constantly in trouble and her business had gone bankrupt. I would leave.

Again, it looks like you're having trouble with your commas and punctuation. You keep repeating thinds over and over, it gets a little repetitive and it looks sloppy and hard to read. Maybe try:
'Dad told us that she just couldn't cope with everything. After all, Dad was in debt, Leo was constantly in trouble and Mom's business had gone bankrupt.'

When my mum left, my dad kind of fell apart. I mean, he has a good job and everything, he just about pays the bills, he’s paid off his debt, he has us but I guess he still misses her. I kind of miss her too.

Lots of repetition here. Kind of, kind of, kind of. Try maybe, finding substitues for words. (:

Sometimes I think I hear her voice in the kitchen when I come home from school, so I run in, hoping she has come home and find it’s just the radio or something.

This, too, is cliche. I didn't feel any emotion here and this is supposed to be...rueful and upsetting maybe. Also, try avoiding the 'or something' at the end. Things like that make the reading...less professional, I guess you could call it.

I can tell it gets to Immie sometimes, I mean; she was only eight when mum left, so she kind of had to grow up without her. Which I think is really sad. I think she still hopes that one day mum might come back.
I don’t know if dad drunk a lot before, and mum protected us from it, or if he started drinking after mum left but he started coming home late, heavily drunk.

This was so very confusing. You messed up a little with your punctuation, it looks sloppy, and it's rather repetitive. You just keep doing pretty much the same things throughout the story. Maybe you could try this to fix it up a bit:
'I can tell it gets to Immie. She was only eight when mom left, so she pretty much had to grow up without a mother. I believe she still hope that mom might come back.'
The next part sounds decent, you just repeat a bit. You keep saying "Dad's drinking' which we get is emotional and distressing, but you don't descibe anything. I don't feel anything towards your characters at all.

He never touched me – but occasionally he’d lay a hand on Leo, if he had done something really out of line. It was terrifying; I have to admit it was terrifying. I tried to stop him hitting Leo, but there was nothing I could do. He was just so worked up, so angry. If it was anyone else Leo would have fought back, but he told me that he can’t hit dad. He could never hit him back. I mean, Leo does some pretty stupid stuff but he doesn’t deserve to get hit for it. I don’t think so, but that might be because I’m biased, because he’s my brother.

You have absolutely no description here. You could do so much with this! Describe one of the most brutal beating that Leo had to take from his own, drunken father. You could put so much emotion into this! Instead I just sat there saying, 'Is that it?'

Sometimes I wish that she would come back, and see the mess we’re in and wish that she had never left us. I get mixed emotions towards my mum. Sometimes I get angry at her; I think that she was selfish, selfish to leave us in the mess we’re in. As if all of this shit is her fault. Sometimes I say to myself that I don’t want her to come back – but I know I do. I act as if I hate her to my friends and to Leo, but all I want is for her to come back.

You put 'sometimes' at the begining of nearly all of these sentences. Maybe try to sum up what you're trying to say in one or two sentences, that way repitition like that won't happen. (:

I miss the way her heels used to clatter in the hallway when she got home from work. I miss her perfume; I miss her humming to the radio while we were eating breakfast. I miss her loud, dirty laugh which made everyone smile. I miss her suddenly pulling me up and waltzing with me around the room. I miss watching her dance.

I get the repitition here. Though you did make a few errors with your punctuation. Maybe try:
'I miss her perfume and I miss her humming while we were eating breatfast. I miss her lod, dirty(?) laugh, which always made everyone smile. Most of all, I miss watching her dance.'
Then after that, I would go on to describe how she would pick her up and waltz around and so on and so forth. I found that this put more emphasis on the whole dancing thing, which seemed to be pretty important. (;

I just want her to come back.

A little contradictory to what you said before...

To see her dance one last time would make me happier [s]that[/s] than you could possibly comprehend.

Although the building was repossessed but her partner, Keith, still runs classes that the community centre so I go to them, every week.

It sounded a little...weird to me. You said that it went bankrupt. How could her partner have still kept it open?

Something that makes a shy girl feel confident and beautiful for those few pleasurable hours in her week.

I actually really like this closing sentence. Very good. (:


Overall

This needs some work. I would try to fix the errors I pointed out, gramatically. You had a lot of repition and trouble with your punctuation and commas and such. I didn't point out all of it, but I'm sure that if you read back through it, you can catch your mistakes. (;

I was a little bored throughout this. It sounded cliche and it lacked...well, flair. It was nothing special. It kept talking about this girl and why her life was so sad. Make me feel sorry for her! I don't care what was happening to her unless you make me care. That's your job. (: Describe more and add in some emotion. ^_^

That's pretty much it. All of my comments are suggestions and feel free to ignore them. (:

~Tiger

First of all, the opening wasn't the best you could have done. it wasn't horrible, but you could have thought of something better. Also, you keep on repeating yourself. An example of such ---->I would leave. If I could, I’d leave too. You could have just put the second sentence. it is more informative, saying that you would leave too if you could. Another thing you did, was you made too long of a sentence.
--->I mean, he has a good job and everything, he just about pays the bills, he’s paid off his debt, he has us but I guess he still misses her. Here you just tried to make two or three sentences into one. you could have put it differently, like this. --->
I mean, he has a good job and everything; he's paid off his debt and he just about paid the bills. He has us, too, but I guess he still misses her. There it isn't a run on sentence and it makes more since. it took me about three times to really understand what you were saying. Another thing is Leo and Immie. I can guess that they were her siblings, but you should have mentioned that, so that the reader isn't confused. Then you repeated again saying : It was terrifying; I have to admit it was terrifying. you could have just gone with the second one, instead. I noticed that you did put a semi colon between them, but it doesn't make up for it. and in the second to last paragraph you misspelled jewellery. it is jewelery, with one l not two. but other than that, the story was really good. I liked the plot.