Another Day

Boys POV, doesn't matter that much but just saying...
... = held out note
_______________

Darling…
I can’t believe this honey
Baby…
I miss you
Can’t you see that?
I need you…

I didn’t know,
You felt this way
But now I do
Can you forgive me?
I’m sorry

I didn’t know,
That I hurt you
I didn’t realize,
That you wanted
Something different

But can you honestly say,
That you feel nothing?
Can you honestly tell me,
That you want nothing more?
I can’ t believe this
You’re driving me crazy
Please listen baby
I just need one more day

I could make you happy, baby
I could make you want to stay
I would be there for you lover
Can I have just one more day?

On day, you’ll see, baby
How much you miss me, honey
You’ll see that you were crazy
For leaving me, baby
I can’t remember
What I’ve done
Do you even remember?

And can you honestly say,
That you feel nothing?
Can you honestly tell me,
That you want nothing more?
I can’ t believe this
You’re driving me crazy
Please listen baby
I just need one more day

One day….
Listen…
Just another chance….
You know you don’t
Want this…
I don’ t want this…..

Can you honestly say,
That you feel nothing?
Can you honestly tell me,
That you want nothing more?
I can’ t believe this
You’re driving me crazy
Please listen baby
I just need one more day

One day….
Just one more day….
Can I have just another day….

Hey pinkangel! Sorry it took me awhile to review this... but I'm here now!

I. Nit-Picks

Darling…
I can’t believe this honey
Baby…
I miss you
Can’t you see that?
I need you…

I would have preferred longer lines, especially the beginning line. When you sing it out, it's just "Daarrliing." You want something more interesting for your listeners to keep with the song. Maybe something more catchy?

I didn’t know,
You felt this way
But now I do
Can you forgive me?
I’m sorry

It seems you need a beat on the last line. Try putting 'so' before "sorry."

On day, you’ll see, baby
How much you miss me, honey
You’ll see that you were crazy

Change "on" to 'one.'

For leaving me, baby
I can’t remember
What I’ve done
Do you even remember?

I don't like how you repeat "remember." Perhaps use a synonym like recall?

I could make you happy, baby
I could make you want to stay
I would be there for you lover
Can I have just one more day?

This has an up-beat look to it, and I could definitely feel the rhythm. This has to be my favorite part.

One day….
Listen…
Just another chance….
You know you don’t
Want this…
I don’ t want this…..

This is your bridge, correct? I like the beginning, but I want something that feels a bit more fast-paced, something you can keep singing along with. It has a pop kind of feel to it, so bring it up a beat and make it more fast-paced. The rest of your song seems slow, so if you slow things down even more here it's not as eye-catching.

Can you honestly say,
That you feel nothing?
Can you honestly tell me,
That you want nothing more?
I can’ t believe this
You’re driving me crazy
Please listen baby
I just need one more day

I just wanted to point out that you could make it catchier by adding in some rhyme. Here's how I'd reword it:

"Can you honestly say,
That you feel nothing?
Can you honestly tell me,
That you don't want something?
I can’ t believe this
You’re driving me crazy
Please listen baby
I just need one more day"

I just took out "want nothing more" and replaced it with 'don't want something.'

II. Length

The lines seem to be lacking in some parts, especially your beginning. It needs a bit more oomph, you know? If you lengthen the lines a bit more it'll be easier to follow along, because even though I know songs are repetitive, you might as well have something with more quantity as well as quality. Right?

III. Rhyme Scheme and Beat

If you try and sing the song out, you'll pick up on a few places needing a better beat. People get hooked on a song by these two details: how well the rhythm and beat is. It'll make it catchier and a more enjoyable song.

I didn’t know,
That I hurt you
I didn’t realize,
That you wanted
Something different

See, this to me would be a lot better if you snuck in a rhyme scheme. No matter which way I sing it, I still can't get it to really sound great. Work on that, and you'll be gold!

IV. Overall

I liked singing along to the lyrics and it was easy to make up a good tune. I'm sure the way you sang it was different, so out of curiosity, what did you plan this song to be like if you were to compare it to another? Is it a pop song, or does it have a slow beat?

Anyway, I'd love to see it when it's edited! PM me if you have a question. ^_^

Hey! Sorry for the wait, but I'm here now So, let's get started.

I'm not very experienced with reviewing lyrics, but here's what I can scrounge together.

To start off, I just have a question: are all the pet names needed? 'Baby', 'honey', 'lover'? I understand that it's to show closeness between the two, but perhaps some of those words could be cut out for other phrases that would strengthen the song.

In general, I'm not quite sure about the rhythm of the song. From reading this, the image in my mind was an upbeat, alternative rock type song. But that might just be my recent addiction to little bands I do think it would work well like that though. Do you mind letting me know in which tempo this song should be sung?

I find that the first few stanzas are too short to sing with a good, consistent rhythm. Sometimes I understand that those parts are just vocalizing and buildup before the actual sections of songs, but I get the feeling that some of those are meant to be part of the song. If they aren't, I definitely recommend labeling stanzas so readers here have a clearer idea of how the song sounds in your mind.

So, I think a great way to lengthen the opening stanzas is to elaborate on ideas! It's not surprising, but lyrics are still poetry, just read aloud to a melody. It'd be great to see some new and interesting phrases in here that 'show' rather than 'tell', you know? From the boy's perspective, what should he do if he gets this one more day? What did he do to lose the rest of the days? Like here:

I didn’t know,
You felt this way
But now I do
Can you forgive me?
I’m sorry

So, what happened to make him realize this? Did a friend tell him? It's okay to extend on a story in a song, the person listening will still relate and probably relate to the song even more with little details like that. It doesn't need to be much longer, but just a little embellishment wouldn't hurt things here.

But, you know, I really really like the chorus! I have no idea how you sing it, but it's got great rhythm and flow. I like singing it, and find that it's very cute. No changes need to be made there.

So, those are just general comments, I'm terribly sorry I couldn't help any more. I should probably go brush up on my piano lesson books and music theory so I can help further in the future. Thanks for replying to my thread

Best of luck,
octo

Hey thanks Selene/octo. You're reviews were so long, I love them!

Yeah, this is meant to be alternative rock/kind of medium tempo, sort of on the slow side. Sometime in the (hopefully) near future, I'll put the notes up.

-Carly

Hello Friend,
Ok so i have never really reviewed lyrics before but I do know that there were some spelling mistakes that i think someone before me pointed out There wasn't much that need changing. I would be excited to hear this with some beats behind it.


I totally agree with the reviewer above me about changing the one line from "want nothing more" to 'don't want something.'. It just sounds better. Inside of being a poem I can read it as music that way.

Awesome job, thanks for requesting a review I hope this was helpful

Kudos,
-Tiffany

Hello
So this is the first time I review lyrics, it's very kind of new for me. But I liked it,. thre were a few lines that confused me when I tried to but some rythm to it, but maybe I'm wrong since they're your lyrics. There were a few spelling mistakes but they were pointed out before.

I liked it, that's all I can tell you and I'm hoping to hear the music sometime.