Run

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Run


1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3. My feet matched the pace perfectly. I didn’t know where I was going, and it didn’t matter. I was gone. Scenery stared back at me, shapes forming in the shadows. My breathing started to become uneven. I slowed down. 1...2...3. 1...2...3. Eventually I stopping trying all together and walked. They would realize I was gone sooner or later and come after me in the car. My attempts didn’t matter.

I was escaping from Magyk School. My eyes rolled at the thought. They weren’t teaching Magyk, they were abusing lives. Sorta like what you would think slave labor is. In the huge, black stoned walls there was nothing but mind control. You lose everything. But does anyone ever believe me?

No.

I was all alone.

So I started running again, faster and harder then before. I wasn’t going back, even if that meant someone had to die. The only person there I would miss would be Peter. He was the only one that ever cared. Growing up together brought us closer than anything, and school only tore us apart. It wasn’t fair.

Soon my feet became weary and my spirit broke. I’d only made it about 5 miles in the past hour. To dampen my mood even worse I could sense and hear someone following me. I continued my path onwards until I couldn’t take the rising irritation anymore. The person that was behind me obviously was careless about hiding their presence. I stopped, shoving my feet in to earth and spun quickly around, leaping into a hunter’s crouch.

“Show yourself,” I snarled. My eyes darted over the forest, feline side kicking in. The footsteps stopped immediately, and I could smell the fear. My mouth dropped open and I inhaled deeply, but stopped suddenly. I knew that scent…

“Peter! What the….what do you think you’re….YOU ran away?” I rushed breathlessly, running to his scent. I realized something was wrong a second too late. Traps sprang up all around me, and I only barely dared to breathe.

All around me I was surrounded by creatures in black hoods. Their skin was slimy green and brown, not at all matching the forest’s brilliant shades of purples and blues. They chose those colors to stand out. Peter, or who I thought was to be Peter, transformed into a nasty snakelike creature. He had huge gargoyle looking wings and a snake’s head, but hooves of a horse. It was the grossest combination I’d ever seen, kinda like seeing a snake have a winged horse baby.

When it spoke my name, rage fumed through my nose.

“My dear Blaze. When will you learn?”

My thoughts shifted. I’d never met this thing before? How was I to learn anything? I had to escape. This was crazy. The creatures in black hoods stirred, but dropped all the items they were carrying. Spears, swords, and the occasional wand hit the ground, causing a sound close to the school’s band.

I had to make my move now.

Leaping from the tree I was positioned in, I flew out in a neat, tight, back flip, landing on the snake-like figure, knocking it to the ground.

“You’re ugly.” I smirked as I leaped again, this time pulling the wand I’d just stolen from his pocket. One hand on the tree I was on, the other grasping the wand tightly, I let out a chaos of laughter. This was too much fun.

The hooded figures sprang at me, left and right. I simply flicked the wand and shot a strange black power at them. The power radiated from me into it, which caused it to be more dangerous then I’d imagined. I couldn’t stop.

Then I ran out of test subjects.
I snapped out of the killing spree my mind locked onto and ran. I swiftly leaped from tree to tree, only stopping when I realized I was heading back to the school, and stopped and swore loudly. Sleep tried to take hold of my consciousness more then once, and now I wasn’t sure if I had the will to turn around and run all the way back. Then I saw the search lights and the Hoghounds. The most vicious, cunning creatures that Magyk School had to offer wouldn’t stop until they found me.

Sighing, they had made up my mind for me. I turned and fled like a child fleeing from an empty cookie jar.

I ran for hours on end, not quite sure what kept me going and not returning to the simple life of school. Not having any friends except Peter, which was like having your mom at school, but always having the best grades. Losing everything I had made me anti-social. It wasn’t until I reached a valley did I stop to find a place to rest, and all I found was an overhanging rock. It protected me from wind, but little else. It didn’t matter anyways. As soon as I closed my eyes I was asleep standing up.
No where to run...baby let's hide. Take her in your arms on a chilling winter's night. Watch the stars twinkle and glisten. Know that you've found the one person that will listen. ~*(ME)*~




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Hello there. ^_^ It's Hawkie, and I'll be reviewing you today.

1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3.


The first sentence of your story needs to be riveting, foreshadowing, unique, so that it grabs the reader by the neck and yanks her into the story. Numbers just don't do it for me.

I stopping trying all together


"Altogether" is one word.

I was all alone.


"I was alone" sounds better than "I was all alone" in my opinion.

My eyes darted over the forest, feline side kicking in.


Change this to "my eyes darted over the forest as my feline side kicked in." It flows better.

I knew that scent…


Your ellipsis needs to be spaced out. ". . ."

Peter, or who I thought was to be Peter,


Should be "who I thought had been Peter."

I’d never met this thing before?


The question doesn't make sense.

I flew out in a neat, tight, back flip,


You don't need the second comma. "Neat, tight back flip" is fine.

“You’re ugly.” I smirked


Never use a period before a dialogue tag. It should always be a comma, a question mark, a dash, or an exclamation point. Also, "smirked" is not a form of speech. ^_^

and stopped and swore loudly.


Too many "and's."

I confess that this piece confused me, especially the ending. Why did she go into a killing spree? Why was she heading back to the school? It all seemed pretty rushed, which can be fixed by adding more detail to the scenes, so that the reader has more time to take it all in.

I also want to know what's going through this character's head. Is she frightened, grim, determined, or detached? What is this "feline side" of hers? What was going on inside her mind as she was having the "killing spree?" Characters are the readers links to the story, so the connection between the reader and the character's emotions should be kept very tight.

Here's another problem I found:

My breathing started to become uneven. I slowed down.


The problem is that all you're doing here is stating action. "I did this, I did that, etc." This doesn't flow well. Try experimenting with merging and splicing sentences so that it runs better overall.

You have an idea that I think has a lot of potential. I like the idea of an evil school of magic, as opposed to a benevolent one (e.g. Hogwarts).

Anyway, I think you should keep working on this. ^_^ PM me if you have any questions!

Cupcakes and cookies,

-Hawks-



"In my contact with people I find that, as a rule, it is only the little, narrow people who live for themselves, who never read good books, who do not travel, who never open up their souls in a way to permit them to come into contact with other souls -- with the great outside world."
— Booker T. Washington, Up From Slavery