An Iron Sea pt. 1

The helicopter approached McMurdo Station as the sun teetered as close to the horizon as it would during the summer months. The rapid-fire whap whap whap of the machine's motors echoed across the waters of the sound, reverberating against the peaks of Ross Island and its quartet of active volcanoes. They let out their slow puffs of smoke as they always had, letting the white wisps trace their way across the Antarctic sky.

Dr. Linus Claireborne stood beside the landing pad with his team, watching the aircraft grow closer and closer. They had already received word from the pilots about the condition of their new patient. One female, age 27, had been a part of the Cetus Initiative, an activist movement trying to push Japanese whalers away from the baleen whales that inhabited this part of the Pacific. During rough seas, while harassing a freighter in a skiff, she had fallen overboard in the midst of a pod of Orcas. The animals had not harmed her, but the cold water had. She was in severe hypothermia and needed medical attention the Initiative could not provide. So they had radioed McMurdo, who had sent out the helicopter.

The vehicle descended onto the helipad, and Dr. Claireborne and his team bent over so as not to be hit by the rotors. As soon as it was steady on the pad, they ran forward. The woman had been secured in a gurney, allowing for easy transport.

“Secure the patient,” Dr. Claireborne yelled. “Take her to the center. Get warm fluids through her quickly. We don't know how far from slipping she is.”

The medical team took her and rushed off with her. A young man wearing a Cetus Initiative parka got off of the helicopter and followed after them as they entered the center. Inside, the wheels of the gurney sounded cold and hard in the tile as the personnel wheeled their patient along as fast as they could. The twenty year old walls provided no comfort as the procession hurried along.

Dr. Claireborne rolled the woman though the door into the intensive care room. They worked furiously, inserting an IV into her vein and letting warm liquids begin to flow through her in an attempt to warm her up.

“Somebody get me her vitals,” the doctor barked.

“Heart rate is steady, pulse is steady,” one of his assistants said, reading off of the computer screen. “She appears to be stable.”

Dr. Claireborne breathed a sigh of relief and stepped back as the rest of his team attended to the patient. “Keep monitoring her. If anything happens, let me know.”

The doctor turned to walk out of the room. The other activist met him there, arms crossed behind his back.

“Doctor, is she going to be all right?”

Dr. Claireborne paused. “Who are you, sir?”

“Maxwell Valentine. I was Denise's friend. I came with her on the helicopter.”

“Denise …?” Dr. Claireborne asked, waiting for the last name of his new patient.

“Patterson,” Maxwell said.

“Walk with me, Mr. Valentine,” Dr. Claireborne said. He walked out the door back into the hallway of McMurdo. Maxwell followed after him like a small child, eager for the candy that the doctor might throw out in the form of information. Claireborne was aware of this, and he sneered a little. This was what he had come here to escape, the questioning of loved ones, the endless probing for answers. He preferred to be able to simply work without those needless distractions. The end of the modern world should have provided him with that. But even here, he could not escape it.

“Look, Dr. ...” Maxwell said.

“Dr. Claireborne. Doctor Linus Claireborne.”

“All right, Look, Dr. Claireborne, I...”

The doctor held up a hand. “Your friend will do just fine. It's a moderate case of hypothermia. Your Initiative did the right thing to radio us. She'll be fine in a few days.”

Maxwell nodded and sighed in relief. Dr. Claireborne smiled to himself. The healthy had been reassured, the questions would stop.

“Is there anything I can do?” Maxwell inquired.

“Stay by her side, if it suits you,” Dr. Claireborne said with a wave of his hand. “Just be sure to stay out of the way of my team. If you are an obstacle to them, you are an obstacle to her speedy recovery.”

“Yes sir, thank you sir,” Maxwell said. He turned back and walked into the room. The doctor shook his head and walked off, the footfalls of his boots echoing down the corridor. So much excitement so soon, and all of the foreign variety. What he wouldn't give for the quiet day to day occurrences like the sniffles, or a migraine, or a sprained wrist from the bowling alley. At least that afforded him his solitude.

Dr. Wallert, the other senior medical staffer, came around the corner, holding a file. “Linus, you got the new patient?”

Dr. Claireborne nodded. “Yeah. Her boyfriend came along too. Don't know why the chopper decided to let him tag along.”

“Probably as a support buddy for her,” Wallert replied. “I mean, how would you feel alone here at the end of the world, and now you're sick.”

“Perfectly fine,” Dr. Claireborne said with a bit of a smile.

“Oh, I forget, you're the inhuman recluse,” Wallert said, chuckling as he leaned against the wall.

“You got it,” Dr. Claireborne said. “Are those her files?”

Dr. Wallert handed them to him. “That's right.” Claireborne took the file and began to peruse through it. “No physical ailments except for a broken tarsal when she was in the sixth grade. No allergies whatsoever. No surgeries or other major medical procedures. Overall, in the prime of her life.”

Claireborne nodded. “That's good. She ought to recover from this fairly quickly then. Save us the trouble of an extended stay.”

“She may have to stay a while anyway, Linus,” Wallert said. “We can't just helicopter her back to her boat.”

“I know that. But at least this way she can be out of here soon enough.”

“Hate to be a charity worker?”

“Hate to waste government money on people like that.”

A pager went off, preventing the two of them from discussing the subject any further. The two doctors searched their persons. Claireborne's pager was the one that had gone off.

“That's probably the team,” he said, grumbling. “Who knows what they've done this time.”

He rushed off, before Wallert had so much as an opportunity to say they could talk again later.

Conrad! Have I actually read anything by you? *shrugs* Let's get typing.

The rapid-fire whap whap whap of the

I might be being overly picky, but I think that the "whap" bit is too stuck-in-there. I'd italicise, just to make it stand out or put in hyphens or something.

I just want to say here that your first paragraph is pretty much perfect. I love it. It captures the mood and the pace so brilliantly.

The twenty year old walls provided no comfort as the procession hurried along.

I'm not really seeing the relevance of this - saying something is twenty years old won't really conjure up an image in the reader's mind. Some people consider that young, others, old. Are they murky, dark? Just give us a little description or we'll just be wondering why it matters.

Just after here, the patient is pretty much cured. I feel as if there could be room to speed up the pace or insert a little suspense, so I'm let down by the bluntness. Otherwise we haven't really met a hook, if you see what I mean. But that's just my opinion.

I didn't really notice anything else worth picking up on, but anywho, I liked this. Your descriptions and dialogue are both very good, but I felt that I couldn't get into because there are so many viewpoints in such a short space; I'm not really caring about the individual characters. That's where I think your hook could be. Get us to know one of the characters. Maybe the worry, or, like I said, fear of losing a loved one from Maxwell's perspective. Just a thought. Or maybe give us a hint as to what's going to come - a little more of an obvious hint.

Anyway, yeah. Write more of this. I hope I've been of some help. =)

Best
Blinky

Conrad! I love this already! Stop writing so good! *thwaps*

The helicopter approached McMurdo Station as the sun teetered as close to the horizon as it would during the summer months.

Um, can you explain that please? I know it's in Antarctica and that the sun lasts longer during the summer months...but you are making it sound like it is happening in the winter or something. I don't really understand this.

One female, age 27, had been a part of the Cetus Initiative, an activist movement trying to push Japanese whalers away from the baleen whales that inhabited this part of the Pacific.

Japanese whalers near Antartica? Really? That's like, half way down the globe. Or something.

So they had radioed McMurdo, who had sent out the helicopter

I'm starting to notice that you like to start sentences with So. And they don't sound very good, darling. Just saying.

The twenty year old walls provided no comfort as the procession hurried along.

Do they provide no comfort because they are twenty years old? That's what it sounds like here, but I don't think that is what you meant. That's just the way the way it sounds like.


Mhem, mhem, I love this.


Characters So I'm going to assume Dr. Linus (zomg, it looks like my username in a way) is a cold type of person, am I right? I could kinda hint that in the story, but it was just a hint. It was like, there wasn't enough coldness to make him seem cold. Like....

Grr, it's hard to explain. But, maybe add some more in there or in the next part to make him sound colder (if he even is).


Story Idea Loves it. Write more, now.


Seriously, keep writing, Mister Rice! And hurry!

~Linx

Brother Connie --

I'm liking it. It's nice to see that you've started things off without your usual fantastical flair. Is this going to be a fantasy piece? For some reason, I remember you giving me a run-down of this story and I could have sworn you were going to take the fantasy path with this...

This was vaguely Michael Crichton-esque... Kind of a cross between ER and Jurassic Park, with a little Whale Wars thrown in their for fun? Have you seen Whale Wars? Documentary on Animal Planet.

So. The second paragraph. The information you gave us about Denise's problem was necessary, no doubt. But I think you presented it to us in the wrong way. Any hint of an iota of telling has always been a huge pet peeve of mine. It completely diminishes the story, stalls the pace and tension of the atmosphere, and disrupts my attention. You started things of well -- I especially loved the "quartet of volcanoes" description -- but I really question the telling you indulged in. Show us Denise's problem through some kind of prologue (which I'm sure would be pretty fun to write), or have the Doctor talking to someone as the helicopter approaches, giving that same rundown, but through dialogue. I will always, always call people out on this. I don't care how you do it, but avoid any form of telling religiously.

Question: did you do any research? Is that really how you treat hypothermia?

watching the aircraft grow closer and closer.

Small nitpick -- I think this sentence would seem a lot more professional if you cut it down to, "watching the aircraft grow closer." Closer and closer seems amatuer to me...

Maxwell followed after him like a small child, eager for the candy that the doctor might throw out in the form of information.

I like your thinking here, but I don't think it fits. This sentence is really awkward. In essense, I like it, but for the good of the story, it should be removed. It's a little too abstract and the imagery is out of place.

Anyway, interesting. Post more soon.

-Kylan

Hiya Con!

The helicopter approached McMurdo Station as the sun teetered as close to the horizon as it would during the summer months.

This feels a bit long, especially for an opening line. Also, by sticking a world-detail like that (since Antarctica can be considered just as alien as a fantasy world, I'm going to treat it as such) in such a long sentence, you risk us getting confused. I had to step back and remember that at the bottom of the earth, the sun is up at least 20 hours a day. If you were to put that on it's own, it would be a bit easier to understand.

Also, after reading part two and noticing he goes to sleep, it might be a good idea to work what time is is (approximately) in this part. I was a bit jarred when I found out how late it was.

echoed across the waters of the sound,

I am not sure what you mean by "the waters of the sound." I am not sure at all.

reverberating against the peaks of Ross Island and its quartet of active volcanoes.

Nice way to get this info in without it looking too forced.

During rough seas, while harassing a freighter in a skiff, she had fallen overboard in the midst of a pod of Orcas. The animals had not harmed her, but the cold water had. She was in severe hypothermia and needed medical attention the Initiative could not provide. So they had radioed McMurdo, who had sent out the helicopter.

This is where the necessary information becomes a bit too much. Before, it was slightly tell-y but not so bad. Once you hit here I find there needs to be a more human touch.

The twenty year old walls provided no comfort as the procession hurried along.

You could stand to expand this line, I find. There's a vague mental image, but it's hard to place. Add in just another line or two (like faded/dirty paint, crumbling plaster, ect) so this image is more solid in our minds.

eager for the candy that the doctor might throw out in the form of information.

A lot of small words here, which in turn makes the sentence hard to understand. I also agree with Kylan in the fact the line doesn't seem to fit imagery-wise. However, snce this is a bit of characterization I think it should be reworked.

“You got it,” Dr. Claireborne said. “Are those her files?”

I'm wondering how her files managed to get there so quickly. Fax, I guess? I'd like a mention of how put in please.

“No physical ailments except for a broken tarsal when she was in the sixth grade.

Tarsals are the bones in your foot near your heel/ankle, and they would be very hard to break. (Dislocated, maybe. But that would make it plural) Metatarsals are breakable, since they make up the bulk of your foot and are long enough to break. Or you can break the bones in your toe.

*

Characters: You seem to have established a good base for your characters. I'm slightly worried that Dr. Claireborne will turn out to be like House, but keep in mind I know almost nothing about that show. Just a caution.

The other characters were rather solid. I like the way they're described like Claireborne would see them: annoyances. Because of that, we get to be closer to his head.

Descriptions: At times they were a bit long, mostly at the beginning when you're still introducing everything. Like how the opening paragraph seemed to be telling us all the details of the scenery at once. A lot of the lines aren't bad for info-dumps. There is just a possible problem should you not keep putting those details in. Keep constant reminders we're in Antarctica.

I also expected a bit more time devoted to the supposed bone-chilling cold of the bottom of the Earth. You have the hypothermia, but no cold wind or noticed temperature change between outside and inside. Come to think of it, there weren't any mentions of parkas in here. Explain why he's not hot inside or why he doesn't quickly take his parka off by the door, please.

Overall: A nice, solid start. Just a few little anomalies here and there, and I found how little cold was mentioned in here a bit odd, but I really only spotted them on the second read. Nice work!

Drop me a line with questions.

~Rosey

Here upon request!

For my sake, I'm going to be reviewing without much looking over the others'. If I repeat anything, I apologize to the ninth dimension, but there are some awesome reviewers up there that I probably can't top. xD

The helicopter approached McMurdo Station as the sun teetered as close to the horizon as it would during the summer months. The rapid-fire whap whap whap of the machine's motors echoed across the waters of the sound, reverberating against the peaks of Ross Island and its quartet of active volcanoes. They let out their slow puffs of smoke as they always had, letting the white wisps trace their way across the Antarctic sky.

I read this about five times before I finally followed what was happening. xD And now looking back at it a second time, it seems out of place. This is probably the only descriptive-descriptive part of the entire piece, or at least one of the only parts. Ignoring this paragraph, the story seemed fast-paced and more military, which I rather liked, especially since this is an emergency situation. Doctors can kind of be seen as militarial (or whatever the word is) when it comes to rushing a patient in the ER and using code-language. XD

Concerning your opening paragraph, it seems to pretty for the rest of the story. You talk about the sunset and the beautiful ocean beneath them and the serene picture it is when, in fact, it's a devastating emergency requiring a helicopter to fly this patient from base to real medical attention. Maybe that makes some sense?

“Walk with me, Mr. Valentine,” Dr. Claireborne said. He walked out the door back into the hallway of McMurdo. Maxwell followed after him like a small child, eager for the candy that the doctor might throw out in the form of information.

This is a pretty neat sentence by itself, but when shoved into the rest of the story, it seems out of place. The description takes too long. Maybe if you didn't mention the "form of information" part, it would be better. A metaphor you let the reader figure out. ^^

“All right, Look, Dr. Claireborne, I...”

This is just mis-punctuation that I can't let go by.

He rushed off, before Wallert had so much as an opportunity to say they could talk again later.

Another misuse of the comma I can't leave alone.

I'm worried about Dr. Clairborne. I paid attention as hard as I could. At times, his character just screams, "I'm House in disguise! Bwahaha!" and at times, it looks like you're trying to make him not like House. I had a hard time picturing Clairborne without the limp and cane, so be very careful with this guy. He seems laid back, which is perfectly awesome 'cause I love those characters, but he seems interested enough to where his personality is torn. Hopefully the more I read, the better I see Clairborne as Clairborne and not House.

I'll leave it there for now and move on to part two. ^_^

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Sir, your portfolio is cluttered. It's hard to find stuff in it.

I realize I'm super late on this, but I'll try to do my best to mention what hasn't been mentioned yet. Let's see:


I like your opening. It's a bit different from your others, but not too different where it strays from your style.

The rapid-fire whap whap whap of the machine's motors echoed across the waters of the sound, reverberating against the peaks of Ross Island and its quartet of active volcanoes.

As Jabber mentioned, it took a few readings of this to catch what was actually going on in this opening paragraph. The "whap, whap, whap" should be italicized, seeing as it's pretty much an onomatopoeic expression here-- I would also say that commas would probably be nifty in there as well, dear, but then again, I'm not sure?

Also, see here:

They let out their slow puffs of smoke as they always had, letting the white wisps trace their way across the Antarctic sky.

Here, it's not so clear who this "They" is. After reading this paragraph over, it's understood that the they here is these volcanoes (wait, these are volcanoes, yes, or am I just weird? Or... I'm confused!). It kind of changes your tone, and to better it, I would suggest restructuring this sentence without beginning it with "They".

The animals had not harmed her, but the cold water had. She was in severe hypothermia and needed medical attention the Initiative could not provide. So they had radioed McMurdo, who had sent out the helicopter.

So! Here, wouldn't it be, she had severe hypothermia, rather than be in it?

The medical team took her and rushed off with her. A young man wearing a Cetus Initiative parka got off of the helicopter and followed after them as they entered the center. Inside, the wheels of the gurney sounded cold and hard in the tile as the personnel wheeled their patient along as fast as they could. The twenty year old walls provided no comfort as the procession hurried along.

I'm a little iffy on this paragraph. It's good, but some parts-- the one I underlined-- sound a bit forceful, instead of reading smoothly with the rest of the passage.

The healthy had been reassured, the questions would stop.

And eek, confusedly-worded sentence is confusing.



-*-

So, if you haven't noticed by now, I pretty much suck at nitpicks, but specialize in them for their focus and whatnot. For overall:

Good beginning. You have your high points in this and your low points-- I really enjoyed how you supplied all concrete information here without sounding overly info-dumpy. Some parts were more info-dumpy than others, while others were well versed.

I do agree with Jabber; your opening was pretty for the rest of this, dear. I'm not going to say this is a bad thing, because it's a chapter, but! You gave us a hook, we bit, now you cannot disappoint. (I'm confident you won't-- I'm just sayin' )


Also, vary your words and your sentences, dear! I notice that in your writing, you tend to stick to one style of sentence save for a change here, a change there, but more often than not do you repeat. Dr. Claiborne's name was mentioned a fair deal here-- and I understand that you have a weight of characters here to pull for, and mentioning his name was necessary. Use more pronouns, though, and vary it up a bit. Give him some description-- if he's short, and grey haired, "The short man said,". Variation is always wonderful, dear.

You've got a great solid idea here-- I'd love to follow this through the end. Nice work as always, Connie. Keep writing.


June

My good sir! I am quite late with this, but me and internet haven't really been all that adhesive to each other lately, and you know this. Since you've already received good reviews and nit-picks, I'm merely here to give you a response from a friend, because I liked the idea of this story when you told it to me, and I haven't read something of yours in so long I certainly owe this to you! And even if it's not a review, I don't think you'd mind just comments anyway.

Dr. Linus Claireborne -- what a name! I love it! Doesn't sound too hokey or anything. Has a very serious sound to it, as does the beginning of the story. Makes me feel like something important is going on and I should pay attention. I wouldn't mind for a slight slowing down in pace in the first few paragraphs, perhaps by adding brief descriptions, but this is a minute comment.

I definitely don't like the name Maxwell Valentine as much as Dr. Linus Claireborne... this could be because I play Final Fantasy videogames and there's a character in VII called Vincent Valentine, and now I attribute the name Valentine to cheesy gameyness. Either way, I'm going to guess that Valentine is a tool, because his name makes him sound like a tool. XD If I keep reading and my prediction is wrong, then you should yell at me for having a bad taste in videogames and letting this affect my opinions of characters. XD

Claireborne was aware of this, and he sneered a little. This was what he had come here to escape, the questioning of loved ones, the endless probing for answers. He preferred to be able to simply work without those needless distractions.

Hm. Serious scientist we have here, hoity toity. Good characterization by the way.

“Oh, I forget, you're the inhuman recluse,” Wallert said, chuckling as he leaned against the wall.

Inhuman? Connie! Connie! Is this foreshadowing?!

Well, well, well. This is very interesting. The dialogue between the characters is great, and I think you've got a great start here. I want to read more, anyway.

And I have to agree with Kylan on this: it does sound Michael Crichton-y. The succinct writing, straight to the point, the professional characters, serious tone...

I'll read the second part right now.

---

Clo