A Stranger in Seoul

This is my first time submitting, so I hope I've done it properly. It's a bit long for a short story, so I opted out of posting it in the message itself. Let me know if there's any problems...

I figured I'd warn flat out that this has graphic violence in it. Not so much the language as the content... hence, the rating. Still, I wanted to make that abundantly clear.

Thanks in advance for bothering to read and share your thoughts and critiques! I'm very open to changes and I'm actually eager for any suggestions you guys have to share, since I have some concerns regarding the final parts.


-- Mazo

:] Hey there, Mazo. I was super excited to read this piece, so let's see what I can do to help you out. ^^ I'm actually pretty excited that it's a longer piece because I'll have more to read through. :] However, for further posts, you should consider maybe finding places to break it up and post it in parts so that reviewers can work through it without losing concentration. We kind of have short attention spans... LOOK! A squirrel! xDD {See? ;D}

Anyways, on to the review! <3

I'm going to arrange this in a different way than I normally do. There were quite a few recurring problems that would fit under a few categories, so I'll start with those categories and give specific examples of the problems, then move on to ones that don't really fit under any specific category. ^^

I. Categories

-- Repetition;

She was new, she was different, and more importantly she was wrong—horribly wrong.

Something that I've been paying attention to in reviews, more and more, is the repetition of certain words or phrases that aren't necessary. The author often repeats something to give it a tense or dramatic effect, but in reality, it would be stronger if it were left alone. I think that's what you've done with this sentence. 'horribly wrong' just seems like it's trying to modify 'wrong' with an over-dramatic tone. It would be stronger, in my opinion, if you were to just say 'and more importantly, she was wrong'.

He didn't realize he was crying until Jaejoong noticed the warmth on his face was not only from the blood but tears, tears pouring out of him as if a wound had been opened in his heart.

Not only does this sentence also use the over-dramatic repetition of the word tears {which, if you think about it, is dramatic enough in and of itself -- it's tears, after all}, but it's also a bit unrealistic and awkwardly phrased. Though he might not realize it at first, he'd know they were tears once he came to his senses, don't you think? Also, you used 'realize' and 'noticed' in very close proximity, but their meanings are close enough to feel like you used the same word twice in a row. I would recommend rephrasing this sentence.

the knife his father had given to him when he was ten.

This is another part where you repeated something for effect, but it's also unnecessary information. We don't need to know where he got the knife, unless you're going to elaborate on the family's relationships, which I'll mention in characterization as well.



-- Phrasing;

I'm just going to mention this now, because throughout the whole piece there were too many examples of this for me to take down all of them. I don't know what it is, but you have an awkward way of phrasing sentences. I think you try to put too much action into the descriptive parts of the sentence and you don't allow yourself to break it down into smaller, more active sentences. Take a look at these examples to see what I mean and try to edit these knots out.

She was the odd one out in the class, being a foreign transfer student, but it helped that she wasn't stupid.

Here, the problem comes in trying to describe something that's important in a section of the sentence that is denoted as optional. xD That is to say, the information you have between that set of commas {which means, usually, that you can take that part out} is actually essential. I think you need to make it more prominent in the sentence and write something like this:

Though she was a foreign transfer student, and thus the odd one out in class, she wasn't stupid.

See? 'the odd one out in class' isn't really necessary because being a foreign transfer student kind of has the reader assume that she'll be in a weird place and be different. ^^ Try looking for other instances where you did that same kind of switcharoo~

Her grasp of their language was passable and far from awkward despite it obviously not being her natural tongue.

I don't know about you, but if I tried to read this sentence aloud, I'd feel weird. Try doing it with your whole story, if you haven't already, to find places where it catches. This sentence is twisty, and I get lost in the meaning. Try straightening it out to make it clearer:

"Her grasp of their language was far from awkward, despite the fact that it was obviously not her natural tongue."

There were two things I did with that one. First, I took out one of the descriptive phrases because I think they both meant nearly the same thing and having both of them mixed up the sentence. Secondly, I straightened out the second half of the sentence to make it clearer. I think you use '-ing' verbs to describe a lot of the time, which is REALLY awkward. Try to avoid that. ^^ I think they're called present participles, but I don't really know, so just try to avoid them. xD

This alone was enough to make her an item of interest to Kim Jaejoong's class, and as if to add glamor to the girl's talent she was also quite beautiful. Jaejoong had to admit this last part even for all the suspicions he had of her.

This part also gets twisted up. Try something like this:

'This alone would be enough to draw the interest of Kim Jaejoong's classmates, but as if to add glamor to the girl's talent, she was also quite beautiful. Jaejoong had to admit that she was, even above all his suspicions about her.

I don't know if you're avoiding stating things simply like 'she was' or something like that, but sometimes it works a lot better because it makes things easier on the reader. ^^ Don't rely on pronouns or avoid repeating the subject /too/ much, because that also loses the reader!

There was still something wrong with her, something unearthly in the details of her face and her entire form.

Here, you lose parallel format. If you make a list, you have to keep the modifiers the same, which would mean writing either:

There was still something wrong with her, with her entire form, something unearthly in the details of her face.

OR

There was still something wrong with her, something unearthly in the details of her face and in her entire form.

See how you double up on 'with' or 'in'? Be sure to keep both parts of the list the same. :] Same goes for when you have even more than two.

they were all too enamored with the girl to react in any way but positive or at least polite.

Okay, let's take this sentence apart.

They were too enamored to react in any WAY. means that the next descriptors should be NOUNS, because WAY is a noun in this sentence.

That means that when you say 'positive' or 'at least polite', you are trying to make them nouns, which they obviously aren't, right? They're adjectives, which would describe a noun. This means that you'll either have to modify them with 'way', to keep the same noun, or maybe make them adverbs {positively, politely}. That way, they'll modify react. ^^

Besides the killer herself, Jaejoong was the only other person who knew what was happening, and this knowledge held him responsible if not for the crimes then at least to act against them.

First of all, you don't need to say 'herself', because it's just superfluous. Also, since you say 'besides', you don't need to say 'other' when you talk about Jaejoong. Also, I find that you use little phrases like 'if not... then' in weird ways. Rather than using them with short phrases, you put action in the nooks that they provide and it comes off awkward. Try rewording it something like this:

Besides the killer, Jaejoong was the only person who know what was happening. If this didn't meant he was responsible for the crimes, it at least meant he was required to act against them.



-- Jaejoong's Knowledge;

From the beginning of this story, the reader gets confused {or at least I did}, because we don't know until much later in the piece WHY he knows what he knows. I feel like you could take some time to explain this and go into his brain /earlier/ in the story {which I'll talk about again in pacing}. There are also a few questions I had about other places where he seems to know more or less than he should.

Maps were spread out like a cloth on the small, round table in the room that acted as kitchen, living room and temporary bedroom, as well as a copy of the class roster that Jaejoong had been pouring over.

This comes before the reader has any idea that Jaejoong has done this sort of thing before, so we think 'why does he have maps? maps of what? what will the maps do?'. You need to add some details so we know exactly why the maps are important, AND it's also 'poring over', not 'pouring over'.

[pore
–verb (used without object), pored, por⋅ing.
1. to read or study with steady attention or application: a scholar poring over a rare old manuscript.
2. to gaze earnestly or steadily: to pore over a painting.
3. to meditate or ponder intently (usually fol. by over, on, or upon): He pored over the strange events of the preceding evening. ]

Having heard the news of Kim Bum, Jaejoong picked up a red tipped marker and drew a large X over his class neighbor's face, watching as the ink seeped into the paper and spread slowly across the smiling, black and white photo.

This is one of the part of this piece that I really liked. It has an excellent image behind it which I think you could spend more time on. Since this is also early in the piece, we wonder why Jaejoong would do this so nonchalantly and whether this shows he has deeper knowledge than we think he does. In any case, I think you can afford to spend more time on this section when you go over it with my suggestions in pacing.

It'd been a long time since this had last happened and since he had to go hunt, but he wasn't about to rush things for the sake of getting the problem out of the way.

This is the first hint we get about his knowledge. oO; But you bring it in sooo nonchalantly that it almost seems like it shouldn't be important. But, Mazo-love, it is REALLY important. xD Something like this needs to come earlier so we don't get too fed up with the first few pages and stop reading before we get any explanation. Just hints would be nice, even.

It wouldn't be the first time something like her had tormented him at his own home. It might not even be the last, but hope springs eternal, even in someone as weary as Jaejoong.

1. You use this kind of phrasing a lot, referring to his past experiences, and I think it draws attention to the line between then and now in a way that is harmful to the flow of the story. Try just describing the torment.

2. If you choose to keep it this way, you still messed up the tense and phrasing in the second sentence. It's really awkward, as if you, the author, just stepped away from the scene and started adding your own commentary about Jaejoong. Besides that, it steps into present tense instead of staying in the past where it has been before. ^^

It wouldn't do any good to think of how easy those other hunts had been, not when this one was so drastically different.

Why was this one so different? We know LATER that it's different because of how personal it is, but at this point in time we don't know about the other ones or why this particular 'zombie' is different. ^^ You need to spend more time describing the other ones. I think you have a lot of potential for expansion in this piece. But again, there'll be more on that in pacing.

“I knew what you were when I saw you,” he said.

“Again,” the girl added for him.

This just seems really odd for her to add here. xD He wouldn't know that it was seeing her 'again', so he wouldn't agree with her until he fully recalled his memory, would he? I think she needs to say something else here, though, because 'again' seems too confident or taunting, even for a confident, taunting zombie. xD

A low noise of something being dragged away from the door broke into the silence, and Jaejoong stood frozen, shivering and feeling sick as he heard grunts and satisfied moans from something once famished and now sated, taking its time with its meal.

How would Jaejoong know what any of the things in this section sound like? Think about ways you can describe it without specifically stating what it was and STILL have the audience understand what is going on. ^^ We need to be shown what is going on, not told the details.

The girl moaned louder as her hands raised and she leaped forwards in a shuddering twitch of momentum, driven by hunger, consumed by it as surely as she wanted to consume Jaejoong, as she had eaten Yijoon and Kim Bum and the poor bastard watchman at his apartment. As she had eaten his parents.

This is a really long sentence and you need to break it up into a few smaller ones, but besides that, most of this is from Jaejoong's point of view, and here it kind of breaks into the girl's intent, which Jaejoong wouldn't really know? Also, you can raise a hand, but hands don't raise, they get raised. oO; You could say 'hands went up' or something like that.

He picked up the saw and carefully counted the parts he'd have to cut. There were nine key points in all, eight of which being pairs—the shoulders, elbows, hip joints, knees. He saved the head for last, as always.

He's done this many times before, hasn't he? So, why wouldn't he already know the right number? ^^ I do like the detail you've put into the process here though. It's refreshing to see a sort of system in place, and it reminds me of Sabriel and the specific things she has to go through to do necromancy. Perhaps rather than 'counted', you could say 'remembered'?

The blood would preserve him, the way it had preserved the girl, and the pain would shape him until the face Jaejoong stared at in the mirror was no longer his own.

Does Jaejoong know that this is happening to him or that it would happen to him? It's not clear what he feels or when the impetus to this change occurs? Where does the blood get in him? Can it get through his lips and that's why he spat? If so, why didn't he react in any other way? Show us his emotion and his knowledge here as well.



-- Pacing;

I think that pacing was a big problem with this story. I'm pretty sure that you tried to fit a novel into a short story, and by doing so, you had to resort to boring 'telling' kind of writing and skip most of the details that could hook the reader into the story.

The first three quarters of this story are recounting the past. You skim through all the past events without really stopping to examine the emotions surrounding them. This lends problems to characterization as well, but I think most of those problems can be solved by taking a look at pacing. I recommend going through each event and describing it as you described the fight scene. Work through chronologically, writing with the action, instead of about the action. That way, you can show us what happens. Show us how the bodies are discovered and exactly what Jaejoong does as he attempts to plan. Take your time and give us details so we can get to know this story even better.

It has SO much potential and could be so interesting, but you skip over the key points where you could make it interesting. ^^ Spend some time describing the red marker as it soaks through the paper, and the thoughts that circle in Jaejoong's mind and he watches it. Spend time with Jaejoong, experiencing his mourning classmates. If you do that, you can even add in some more things about the traditions of a funeral or of mourning, which would be lovely to research {I know you'd enjoy it!}.

This was no time to wax philosophical.

No, it was no time to wax philosophical. xD Taking time out to talk about random things like that is kind of pointless, but I think it only struck me as such because the rest of the piece just skips over thoughts or feelings {for the most part}, so this stretch of thought seems out of place. Should you fix it up and take your time, it would fit in just fine. ^^

He supposed it was good for her, too. There would be no one around to see and no one nearby to hear should she be quick enough, if she got the upper hand and meant to kill him. Jaejoong wouldn't let her get such and advantage, if it was dark out now. This didn't worry him; Jaejoong had to fight ones like her in the dark before.

This sentence is way too rushed, and because of that, I can't understand it, really. oO; Take your time here and say what you mean rather than trying to fit it all into one descriptive sentence.



-- Organization;

I think you should move the paragraph that begins 'No one knew Jajeoong's parents were dead—murdered, eaten, he corrected himself furiously—and as long as the bills came in on time no one bothered to investigate their absence or why they should stay so long overseas, as Jaejoong had claimed since he was thirteen.' to somewhere else in the piece. It lends a lot to the characterization of the character and to his situation and I think {especially if you went through and took your time with this}, it would help us to get a better introduction to Jaejoong. ^^

I know that you have to have the flashback to the scene with the parents when he remembers it, BUT I think you could have little snippets surface every so often in the beginning, as they would in his mind? Just a suggestion. I love the thought that you put into that scene though. ^^



-- Characterization;

“I'm going to kill you,” she said evenly, as if they weren't discussing plans and thoughts of murder.

Why would she be perturbed by murder anyways? He wouldn't be upset either, so why draw attention to her nonchalance? The reader already knows that she won't care. She's a killer, and so is Jaejoong, so there's no reason to mention this. I think this was an attempt at characterization, but you already managed that, which is a good thing. You showed us she was violent, so you don't need to repeat it explicitly in the dialogue tags.

I do, think, though, that you need to spend a bit more time on her if you can. If you could manage to slip a few scenes in from her point of view, that would be nice {to see what she's thinking and all}. If not, just make sure that she speaks some more of her thoughts aloud, so we can get to know her a bit better.

Some people called them zombies, though Jaejoong could understand why others wouldn't want to use the dread zed-word. It did sound ridiculous, even to him, when he had faced them before.

This is a pretty good slice of characterization as well, but it's kind of monotonous. ^^ We know that he faced the zombies before, and so maybe his experience would make him think that the word was ridiculous. If you spoke of this in a different way, you could /show/ us what he thinks of society's opinions and different superstitions.

He would need the saw later, when he had to cut her up and burn the pieces

This seems very casual, as if he has no problem with this at all. He's done it before, and she's unforgiving too, I know, but I think you need to take this time {and the other times when he deals with death} to describe how he FEELS about these situations. What goes through his mind? What does he remember? What does he especially dislike about death and what can he handle? ^^

He wanted to look into her eyes as he killed her, wanted her to watch as he snatched the last, imitation snuff of life from her cursed body.

Again, we see him as super vicious in this section, and I don't know that that fits with the sense of 'justice' you gave him earlier. There was no hint that it was justice only for his family's sake, but if that's the case, then you can make that clear and keep this sudden spike in violence in Jaejoong.

Oh, and one more thing. Why not give us some interaction with Jaejoong's family and/or friends? In his flashback, couldn't he remember some of his moments WITH his parents, rather than having them on the other side of the door the whole time? If you keep it how it is, we don't know if he really enjoyed them or if he simply wants to avenge them because they are his blood. Also, I think that you could do well to delve into his relationship with other students at school and how he copes when they're upset about the deaths. ^^ It would help bring a lot more character to Jaejoong, to see how he reacts when he's not hunting.



II. Out of Place

Then again even humans could be so far removed from traces of humanity as well, if in different ways. Jaejoong had seen it all around him in his homeland, the westernization of a homogenized nation. Slang and fashion and music all merging with tradition and culture until what came out was something Jaejoong could barely recognized, couldn't even think to name.

I really like this commentary on society, and I think it could say a lot about Jaejoong, but as I said, you'll need to take your time and fill this story with such distractions so that it doesn't seem completely out of place as it does now.

But such thoughts were dangerous, even distracting which was lethal in itself.

I don't get this sentence at all, actually. oO; I know that distraction could be dangerous, but uh, I think you'll need to clear this up. xD

her voice like bells that would soon stop tolling, citing the end of Jaejoong's life or the last death for her

You'll need to pick one option OR break up this sentence. Something like 'bells that would soon stop tolling. She hoped that would mean the end of Jaejoong's life, but he was convinced they signaled her last death'. ^^ Something clearer like that would be lovely.



III. Overall

Overall, Mazo, this is a fantastic piece with SUPER LOADS of potential. I really enjoyed it and the only reason I'm so picky is because I think this could definitely withstand changing it into a longer piece. There are so many nooks and crannies you can dive into that it seems WAY too shallow right now. ^^ I don't know if you'd consider doing that, but I really hope that you do. If you do, let me know and I'll go through it again, because this is wonderful and deserves a gold star, even if you don't elaborate on it. It still has an intriguing essence.

PM me if you have any questions about any of my comments, okay? Team Phoenix for the win~ <3

-Hannah-

Hey Mazo, I'm PP (or Whisper) and I'll be your 3rd teammate as soon as I'm accepted!

I really liked your story. It was catchy and it had my eyes glued. Hannah's pointed out the errors, so basically I'm going to go through my thoughts.

Your title choice was interesting, but maybe you could go through some options. May I suggest "Unwanted" or "Foreign in the Territory" or something like that?

Hannah talks about repetition in your opening sentence. I don't think it was bad, in fact it was what caught my attention when I started reading. I don't know about over-dramatic effect, but I had no problems with it.

Your flow was quite smooth. I liked the way your story went with the attacks. The end was my favourite. Clearly you worked hard. But maybe it was a little too long to be a short? I'm new, perhaps newer than you. And I'm only fourteen. So I don't know much. Thus to keep readers well, reading, maybe you could try making this the prelude to a novel, or increase it to make it a novel. Perhaps the story in the novel could be led up by this piece. It was well organized.

I loved the characterization. Reading about Jaejoong was fantastic. He was not the sort of heroes I usually read about, and that's what I liked best about him. Personally, I'm more of a non-fiction writer these days, and so I haven't really got much talent in characterization. I thank your story for giving me a few tips. It was great.

Overall, great job. Nice work, and keep it up. I'm glad to have you in my team and I'm proud to be in the team! Thanks to Hannah, we're now mates.
Once again, good going!

Is it okay to respond to reviews in here? =X I won't take too long, I promise, I just wanted to address something.

First off, thank you both Hannah and Whisper (may I call you that?) for reviewing the piece. Thank you again for the advice and critiques you shared--I can't tell you how many times I was like "Oh!" or "HEY, THAT'S RIGHT!" as I read over both of your posts XD

This story was something I hadn't planned or even thought about writing, so if it seemed like I crammed a novel into a short story well... that was unintentional ^^;. I sat down at my desk, opened my computer, and it all just came out like story vomit--only less gross. Well, kinda less gross. I had no plans to continue it, but I really do like the suggestions that I could add more to it and do something else with what's here. Even if I hadn't intended it to be anything besides a "one shot" story, it could at the very least be a novella or novelette.

I'd like to thank you both for ripping open the creative latch on my mind and letting it run free with potential of what I can and can't do with this piece. Yay~ :3 I'll keep working on it over the days/weeks and if it's allowed I'll throw up a revised version--broken up into smaller parts lol.

Thanks again! <3

Hey Mazo! Time for a team critique!! WEE!!

Ok here we go!

Grammar:

This alone was enough to make her an item of interest to Kim Jaejoong's class, and as if to add glamor to the girl's talent

I believe you mean : glamour

Jaejoong did. Jaejoong knew , she wasn't human.

There should be a comma there to avoid having a fragment sentence.

Jaejoong wondered when she would grow more bold and if people would start noticing then.

I think you meant "bolder"

as well as a copy of the class roster that Jaejoong had been pouring over.

I believe you mean : poring

Jaejoong grabbed the remote for the television and pressed On,

you should make that lower case

Slang and fashion and music all merging with tradition and culture until what came out was something Jaejoong could barely recognized,

I believe you mean : recognized

This was no time to wax philosophical.

I don't really understand that sentence.. but maybe that's just me

All except one.

I believe you mean : accept

Jaejoong froze with his hand on the knob;

you should have a semi-colon there instead of a comma

as she had eaten Yijoon and Kim Bum and the poor bastard watchman at his apartment, as she had eaten his parents

hehe, fragment sentence

, reaching for the first thing that his hands fell on; the fishing wire.

another fragment sentence

As she lay twitching and groaning on the ground Jaejoong turned back to his bag and pulled out the axe

I believe you mean : laid

Destroy the brain and you destroy the thing. The creature. The zed-word.

another fragment sentence

Things I noticed in the Story:

In the beginning when he begins to prepare to fight her, you say he has suspicions, but it seems like hes entirely positive of what she is. A little confusing to me, but it may be just me again.

Also, you don't mention until about the middle that he's done that before, and until then it seems like hes just doing this for no reason other than hes curious.

Just some thoughts!

Overall:

I thought the story was really awesome! Great emotion and description! I couldn't look away from it while I was reading!

Keep writing!

-Irish