I was a Ghost

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I was a ghost.
I drifted down the crowded street and people walked past me as if I wasn’t there. I called out, I wanted to be heard, I needed it, but no one turned to look at me. I stopped in front of a man.
“Hey, sir, can you hear me?” I asked. He walked on, was he ignoring me, or could he really not hear me? “Sir, hey, sir, wait!” he walked off. There was something familiar about this mean, so I decided to follow him. He had deep green eyes and jagged black hair that cut across his face. Who was he? He looked behind him cautiously he passed through an arc, the word Carnival was on the top of the arc and it had carvings of people walking on tightropes or flying through the air towards a trapeze, there we lions and elephants carved into the wood. I followed him through the arc. It began to rain, I could see it, but I couldn’t feel it, my skin nor my hair felt the wet, nor got wet. I could hear it also, and other things, Carnival music and children laughing. This felt familiar, like I’d been here before. The Carnival? What? The man I was following was heading for a stage, and I could hear music. He walked to the back of the stage, but I stayed at the front. The people that were playing their music, which was a strange sound to my ears, it was heavy and the lyrics were odd, and the crowd cheered. The next band filed out, they were all men. One had long, thick, curly black hair that was down to his waist, he had large, deep eyes that were greeny-balck, he was wearing tight, black jeans and a leather jacket over what looked like a singlet, he went and sat at the drums, smiling slightly. The man I had been following had applied eyeliner and was wearing a tight shirt with a band’s emblem splashed across it, he had a bass. The was a blond man, who’d spiked his hair up in every direction, his eyes were wild with excitement and electric blue. I gasped when the last man came out, a gasp that no one but I heard, the last man was me. My deep brown eyes stared out at the crowd, and I wasn’t smiling, I looked solemn, almost bored. My jagged black hair and favourite leather jacket all looked so familiar. I yearned for my body again, to feel safe and enclosed inside my own skin. The real me picked up the mic and started to talk.

“Hey, so we’re, er, Horra! Horra! and we, er, wanna play some of our music for you.” I said. I remembered doing this, last night, when I really was me, but something had gone wrong. But what? I ran, I needed to get to me, then I would under stand everything. I was on the stage, I was nearly there, I was nearly at me, my hand was on my shoulder, then I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and stepped into myself. When I opened my eyes again, I felt whole. The world around me was solid and real. I could feel my clothes on my skin, the mic in my hand, the slight wind on my face. I could smell the food and see that it wasn’t raining anymore, I could feel the heart in my chest beating steadily again. I looked over to my bassist, my brother in so many ways and smiled broadly. He smiled back, and plucked his bass quietly, impatiently, nodding slightly towards the crowd. I nodded slightly back and nodded slightly at my guitarist. He started playing, and soon the music was flowing around me, free and powerful. I began to sing and the freedom of the music intensified. I looked down at the crowd and saw something that almost made me stop singing, there was a man there, who was pointing a gun straight at me. I realised what was going to happen a split second before it did, and with a slight smile, the man pulled the trigger and the speeding, rushing sound of death came to meet me, and I was gone.

And I was drifting through velvety blackness. There was a figure next to me. Do you want to go back? It asked, without making a sound. Yes. I Said, equally silent. Then we were rushing back, the blackness dissolving quickly, things taking shape. Then we were next to my body, which was surrounded by a crowd of people.
“He’s dead.” A man said grimly.
And I was a ghost.
"Not all those who wander are lost" - J.R.R Tolkien

"It's horrible when you're giving a microphone a blowjob and it's giving you negative feedback" - Ville Valo

LOVE is the MOVEMENT. HOPE is the REASON




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ADVICE. BETTER APPREICATE THESE LITTLE NUGGEST OF WISDOM!:

Okay, first off, I just want you to know that I'm not trying to be mean. But I don't want to lie to you either. I read the first sentence and I was done. Normally I would move on without saying anything, but I do love ghost stories, and after skimming, it does seem as if you've got an idea here that has potential.

So here's just a couple tips for you when you're writing. Number one - and this is a biggie - SHOW and do not TELL. Example?

I was a ghost.


A rough example of how I would show this. Now before I do this I want to throw something else at you for how I think this could use improvement: DEVELOP the story. Don't dive into it so quickly. Give us time to get an idea of who your MC is. Create a world. We want set-up, dialogue, description! (At least I do). So this example could be a scene further into the story after your MC has died and is just discovering she's dead:

I lifted my hand to the wall, my heart in my throat. Every instinct I had was screaming at me. No, no, this isn't happening. It can't be real.
But when I reached out to touch a surface that should be stable, that should stop me from reaching the room beyond, reality hit me so mercilessly in the face that I sobbed.

Again, rough, but you see what I mean. THIS is showing.

Next? Emotions. Your MC doesn't have any. Sure, there's some confusion and a little bliss-thing you've got going, but a human - a real human - would be feeling a little more. Some people handle certain situations differently, sure, but above I feel absolutely nothing. I don't care about your MC, and the narration bores me.


THE RULES OF LITERATURE. AT LEAST, LITERATURE PUNCTUATION:

And we come to punctuation. There are some rules you don't seem to be aware of, which is why this site is so great! Observe the following:

“Sir, hey, sir, wait!” he walked off.
He walked off is not part of the dialogue. It’s not a tag like “he said” or “she snarled”. The H should be capitalized.

“Hey, so we’re, er, Horra! Horra! and we, er, wanna play some of our music for you.” I said.
As stated above, “I said” is a tag. And if you have a tag at the end of dialogue, periods should ALWAYS be commas.

“He’s dead.” A man said grimly.
Comma and lower-case H.

NITPICK AND SOME MORE ADVICE. AREN’T YOU SO LUCKY?

Two more things: Thoughts - or in this case, little inner demon voices - should be in Italics. And the other is this:

Yes. I Said, equally silent.
Typo or something, clearly. You know what to do.


MY RANT IS PRETTY CLOSE TO BEING DONE NOW, SO OVERALL…:

On the positive side, I did see a few nice descriptions while skimming. But you do need to break up your paragraphs more. Quite a bit, actually. The way you have your piece formatted now is probably scaring away some readers...

Anyway, keep writing, and I hope I helped some. PM me when you edit this!

KJ




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For a first story this isn't bad. You have made some grammar mistakes that I would go back and fix as to not turn people off from reading the whole thing. Overall I think your story has some great potential and i'd suggest you continue writing and reading to improve your work.




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Hi I found a few errors;

There was something familiar about this mean

I think you meant "man"

there we lions and elephants carved into the wood.

"were"

my skin nor my hair felt the wet, nor got wet.

This part was a little weird. I might try rephrasing it.

deep eyes that were greeny-balck

"black"

The was a blond man,

"There"
You might want to try something different other wise people might think that he was blond, not his hair.

I nodded slightly back and nodded slightly at my guitarist.

That's kinda repititive.

Yes. I Said, equally silent.

No capitol for said.


~Tayla
A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.
~Albert Einstein

I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
~Anonymous

I am the author of my life. Unfortunately I'm writing in pen and I can't erase my mistakes. . .
~Anonymous




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Hey there!

The plot looks great, and I think it could be pulled off, if you just edit this piece. The first paragraph was really long, and it was littered with punctuation and grammar mistakes. The pace was also really fast. Slow it down with some description, and of course, heed the above reviews. :) Keep writing!
Be yourself; everybody else is already taken.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

When you're being nice to your character, you're being bad to your book.




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This is my first review, so sorry if it's a bit rough. And sorry if I use quotes too much.

Okay, so, first, I like this! It's not perfect, but it has potential and you have a good voice!

Question. Is "I was a ghost", your title? That's really what drew me in, but it doesn't fit the story to me. It sounds like "I was a teenage zombie" or that kind of thing. Humourous. Not a big thing, but something to consider.

I was a ghost.


I sorta like this, but it really is showing and not telling. Although I like the closing and opening with "I was a ghost" but you probably need more than that.

And... where you have this:

“Hey, sir, can you hear me?” I asked. He walked on, was he ignoring me, or could he really not hear me? “Sir, hey, sir, wait!” he walked off. There was something familiar about this mean, so I decided to follow him. He had deep green eyes and jagged black hair that cut across his face.


I might be nitpicking a bit here, but you should set it up more like:

“Hey, sir, can you hear me?” I asked.

He walked on. Was he ignoring me, or could he really not hear me?

“Sir, hey, sir, wait!”

He walked off. There was something familiar about this man, so I decided to follow him. He had deep green eyes and jagged black hair that cut across his face.


You have a couple grammar errors, and you're telling a bit.

And this part:

He looked behind him cautiously he passed through an arc, the word Carnival was on the top of the arc and it had carvings of people walking on tightropes or flying through the air towards a trapeze, there we lions and elephants carved into the wood.


First of all, there's a grammatical error.

He looked behind him cautiously he passed through an arc, the word Carnival


That comma should be a period as these are seperate sentences.

Next:

the word Carnival was on the top of the arc and it had carvings of people walking on tightropes or flying through the air towards a trapeze, there we lions and elephants carved into the wood.


This is telling and the word "we" should be "were". With the telling, you need to get into the rhymth of not using words like was, had, were. Like...

"The word Carnival splayed boldly across the top of the arc and carvings of figures danced across tightropes and flew through the air towards trapezes."

Bear in mind that's rough and I couldn't fit in the lions and elephants, but sometimes less is more.

Grammar thing

I could hear it also, and other things, Carnival music and children laughing. This felt familiar, like I’d been here before. The Carnival? What?


Carnival doesn't need to be capitalized in either of those places. Also, the "What?" reads strangely to me.

The man I was following was heading for a stage, and I could hear music. He walked to the back of the stage, but I stayed at the front. The people that were playing their music, which was a strange sound to my ears, it was heavy and the lyrics were odd, and the crowd cheered. The next band filed out, they were all men. One had long, thick, curly black hair that was down to his waist, he had large, deep eyes that were greeny-balck, he was wearing tight, black jeans and a leather jacket over what looked like a singlet, he went and sat at the drums, smiling slightly. The man I had been following had applied eyeliner and was wearing a tight shirt with a band’s emblem splashed across it, he had a bass. The was a blond man, who’d spiked his hair up in every direction, his eyes were wild with excitement and electric blue. I gasped when the last man came out, a gasp that no one but I heard, the last man was me. My deep brown eyes stared out at the crowd, and I wasn’t smiling, I looked solemn, almost bored. My jagged black hair and favourite leather jacket all looked so familiar. I yearned for my body again, to feel safe and enclosed inside my own skin. The real me picked up the mic and started to talk.

“Hey, so we’re, er, Horra! Horra! and we, er, wanna play some of our music for you.” I said. I remembered doing this, last night, when I really was me, but something had gone wrong. But what? I ran, I needed to get to me, then I would under stand everything. I was on the stage, I was nearly there, I was nearly at me, my hand was on my shoulder, then I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and stepped into myself. When I opened my eyes again, I felt whole. The world around me was solid and real. I could feel my clothes on my skin, the mic in my hand, the slight wind on my face. I could smell the food and see that it wasn’t raining anymore, I could feel the heart in my chest beating steadily again. I looked over to my bassist, my brother in so many ways and smiled broadly. He smiled back, and plucked his bass quietly, impatiently, nodding slightly towards the crowd. I nodded slightly back and nodded slightly at my guitarist. He started playing, and soon the music was flowing around me, free and powerful. I began to sing and the freedom of the music intensified. I looked down at the crowd and saw something that almost made me stop singing, there was a man there, who was pointing a gun straight at me. I realised what was going to happen a split second before it did, and with a slight smile, the man pulled the trigger and the speeding, rushing sound of death came to meet me, and I was gone.

And I was drifting through velvety blackness. There was a figure next to me. Do you want to go back? It asked, without making a sound. Yes. I Said, equally silent. Then we were rushing back, the blackness dissolving quickly, things taking shape. Then we were next to my body, which was surrounded by a crowd of people.
“He’s dead.” A man said grimly.
And I was a ghost.[/quote]




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This is my first review on here, so sorry if it's a bit rough. And sorry if I use quotes too much.

Okay, so, first, I like this! It's not perfect, but it has potential and you have a good voice!

Question. Is "I was a ghost", your title? That's really what drew me in, but it doesn't fit the story to me. It sounds like "I was a teenage zombie" or that kind of thing. Humourous. Not a big thing, but something to consider.

I was a ghost.


I like this, but it really is showing and not telling, and then tends to be a no-no. Although I like the closing and opening with "I was a ghost" but you probably need more than that. I think if you added to that, it'd work well, because I really do like that.

And... where you have this:

“Hey, sir, can you hear me?” I asked. He walked on, was he ignoring me, or could he really not hear me? “Sir, hey, sir, wait!” he walked off. There was something familiar about this mean, so I decided to follow him. He had deep green eyes and jagged black hair that cut across his face.


I might be nitpicking a bit here, but you should set it up more like:

“Hey, sir, can you hear me?” I asked.

He walked on. Was he ignoring me, or could he really not hear me?

“Sir, hey, sir, wait!”

He walked off. There was something familiar about this man, so I decided to follow him. He had deep green eyes and jagged black hair that cut across his face.


That's just a more common set-up. You also have a couple grammar errors, and you're telling a bit.

And this part:

He looked behind him cautiously he passed through an arc, the word Carnival was on the top of the arc and it had carvings of people walking on tightropes or flying through the air towards a trapeze, there we lions and elephants carved into the wood.


First of all, there's a grammatical error.

He looked behind him cautiously he passed through an arc, the word Carnival


That comma should be a period as these are seperate sentences, and you do that a few other times. I tend to do that too, but it's grammatically incorrect.

Next:

the word Carnival was on the top of the arc and it had carvings of people walking on tightropes or flying through the air towards a trapeze, there we lions and elephants carved into the wood.


This is telling and the word "we" should be "were". With the telling, you need to get into the rhymth of not using words like was, had, were. Try to describe things as they are. Like...

"The word Carnival splayed boldly across the top of the arc and carvings of figures danced across tightropes and flew through the air towards trapezes."

Bear in mind that's rough and I couldn't fit in the lions and elephants, but sometimes less is more. It's good imagery you have there, though. Just question hads and the like when you're describing stuff.

Grammar thing

I could hear it also, and other things, Carnival music and children laughing. This felt familiar, like I’d been here before. The Carnival? What?


Carnival doesn't need to be capitalized in either of those places. Also, the "What?" reads strangely to me. Not a big deal, but something to keep in mind.

Okay, next thing is this:

The man I was following was heading for a stage, and I could hear music. He walked to the back of the stage, but I stayed at the front. The people that were playing their music, which was a strange sound to my ears, it was heavy and the lyrics were odd, and the crowd cheered. The next band filed out, they were all men. One had long, thick, curly black hair that was down to his waist, he had large, deep eyes that were greeny-balck, he was wearing tight, black jeans and a leather jacket over what looked like a singlet, he went and sat at the drums, smiling slightly.


When you say "The man I was following was heading for a stage and I could hear music" it reads really awkwardly. Something like "The man I followed headed toward a stage where a band was already playing." would work much better. Then this sentence "The people that were playing their music, which was a strange sound to my ears, it was heavy and the lyrics were odd, and the crowd cheered." is worded a bit oddly. It's just hard to read.

Small thing:

The was a blond man, who’d spiked his hair up in every direction, his eyes were wild with excitement and electric blue.
.

That should just be there, not the.

I gasped when the last man came out, a gasp that no one but I heard, the last man was me. My deep brown eyes stared out at the crowd, and I wasn’t smiling, I looked solemn, almost bored. My jagged black hair and favourite leather jacket all looked so familiar. I yearned for my body again, to feel safe and enclosed inside my own skin. The real me picked up the mic and started to talk.


I like this. It's a very interesting idea. One thing, the "no one but I heard", I think it should be "no one but me heard", but maybe not, so don't quote me there.

“Hey, so we’re, er, Horra! Horra! and we, er, wanna play some of our music for you.” I said. I remembered doing this, last night, when I really was me, but something had gone wrong.


There should be a comma after you, not a period, and you should start a new paragraph after said.

When I opened my eyes again, I felt whole. The world around me was solid and real. I could feel my clothes on my skin, the mic in my hand, the slight wind on my face. I could smell the food and see that it wasn’t raining anymore, I could feel the heart in my chest beating steadily again. I looked over to my bassist, my brother in so many ways and smiled broadly. He smiled back, and plucked his bass quietly, impatiently, nodding slightly towards the crowd. I nodded slightly back and nodded slightly at my guitarist. He started playing, and soon the music was flowing around me, free and powerful. I began to sing and the freedom of the music intensified. I looked down at the crowd and saw something that almost made me stop singing, there was a man there, who was pointing a gun straight at me. I realised what was going to happen a split second before it did, and with a slight smile, the man pulled the trigger and the speeding, rushing sound of death came to meet me, and I was gone.


This rocks. The flow is great, the imagery is incredible and it's just great. A+!!

And I was drifting through velvety blackness. There was a figure next to me. Do you want to go back? It asked, without making a sound. Yes. I Said, equally silent. Then we were rushing back, the blackness dissolving quickly, things taking shape. Then we were next to my body, which was surrounded by a crowd of people.
“He’s dead.” A man said grimly.
And I was a ghost.


I like this idea, and it's good, but I just want to mention a few small things, and there are a couple mistakes.

"And I was drifting" might be better if you took out the And.

I'd probably italize the silent dialogue, just to be easier on the reader.

"I Said" shouldnt' be capitalized.

One of the things I had a bad habit of when I first started writing was over using then. It bugged me enough that I underlined all the thens in a story. There were a lot. That random Laina fact aside, you have two very similiar sentences ("Then we were" twice) and you should probably work on that. :) Something you could do is change "Then we were next to my body, which was surrounded by a crowd of people." to something like "We abruptly appeared next to my prone body, a crowd of people who didn't seem to see us surrounding it and us."

"He's dead." A man said grimly.
And I was a ghost


The period should be a comma and the a doesn't need to be capitalized. Other than that, I really like how it ends. "And I was a ghost" is a great ending line.

So all in all, you've got a good solid piece that needs a bit of work to be great. ^^

-Laina



The highlighted children are not mine.
— AresFig