Full Moon

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All was quiet in the village, save for the wind in the trees. Overhead, the full moon shone, bathing the town and surrounding forest in an eerie yellow light. In short, it was a perfect night.
And perfect it would have been. That all changed when scouts came back from the forest, bloodied and panting. Bombarded by questions, they made their way to the Governor’s manor. Soon after their entrance, Jack, the town crier, could be seen swaying his pumpkin lantern, shouting, “By Governor’s Order, all doors are to be locked. Windows will be shuttered and barred. Children are to stay in the cellars. We are under attack.”
And so, preparations had been made. Doors shut tight and windows sealed, the townspeople huddled in basements with their children. When asked why, the parents hushed their little ones; it was all a game. If only it were so.
They waited. For what, exactly, couldn’t be certain. All that was know was the fact that something was coming, and it was dangerous.
Hours passed. With each minute gone by, the fear grew. If only they knew what was coming. Then they might seek to reassure themselves. But no word had come from the Governor: In this, they were alone.
Tension rose. The people were near rebellion. Before much longer, the thread would snap, unleashing the hound.
Reveries were broken as the wind picked up. It threw itself against walls, seeking entry. Finding none, it screamed its frustration. Shutters rattled, threatening to be ripped from their hinges. Then just as it seemed the gale was victorious, it stopped.
Villagers looked at the ones sitting next to them: Is it over? Have we won? A howl pierced the stillness. On all sides, it was answered.
A single collective thought passed among the villagers, along with a sense of cold dread: Werewolves. We are going to die.




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Heya Tim! I'm sorry not to have mentioned that we had at least a couple of weeks to finish the task, so I'm sorry my review will be baed on more, more, more!

So, let's see through this, shall we?

All was quiet in the village, save for the wind in the trees. Overhead, the full moon shone, bathing the town and surrounding forest in an eerie yellow light.

In my opinion, it would sound better if you add a 'the' before surrounding ;)
Also, the description on the first sentences is lovely! If you rephrase the first half of the first sentence it would do good for this. It sounds a bit dull as it is.

And perfect it would have been. That all changed when scouts came back from the forest, bloodied and panting.

I have another suggestion :D If you join these sentences into one, it would rock. Like this: And perfect it would have been, if the scouts hadn't return from the forest, bloodied and panting. <-- Something like that.

For what, exactly, couldn’t be certain. All that was know was the fact that something was coming, and it was dangerous.

Try this: ... something was coming; something dangerous. I think it sounds better. But don't forget! These are all just suggestions. You can ignore them, if it pleases you ^.^

A single collective thought passed among the villagers, along with a sense of cold dread: Werewolves. We are going to die.

Two quick things: discapitalize werewolves and put the last line in italics for more drama.


More, more, more!
All I want is more. My biggest advise in this is to expand this. Everyhting happends to fast. The hours passing, the panic. You should go and describe that a bit more. Everything! I really like how you called this Full Moon. It is realated to the werewolves, but still makes it a bit more misterious. I didn't even suspected that this would have werewolves envolved until I read it. Overall, gives us more!

I really liked your style of writing, so keep it up!
*Kat*
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Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

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Hi Mr.Knightley,
This is a great start to a story! The plot was well thought out and kept the reader (me) interested throughout the whole piece. It also keeps the reader anticipating more, and you're sure to get people coming back to read the rest.
It's a little short for me to make much of a review, and I didn't really find any mistakes.
You could add a little more description, but that's all up to you.
~Zanna




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Thanks you guys! I appreciate both of your reviews; they really helped me. It is so exciting to get my first critiques on YWS. I was really in a hurry to get this finished for the Reality Show, (Kat) so it was kind of like a short NaNoWriMo. (I think that's the thing, with the whole, 'quantity, not quality' thing.)

P.S. What do you mean by, 'rephrase the first half of the sentence'?
"You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same."

Lady Gaga




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Hiya Tim!

All was quiet in the village, save for the wind in the trees. Overhead, the full moon shone, bathing the town and surrounding forest in an eerie yellow light.


In my opinion, it would sound better if you add a 'the' before surrounding ;)
Also, the description on the first sentences is lovely! If you rephrase the first half of the first sentence it would do good for this. It sounds a bit dull as it is.


I meant the 'All was quiet in the village...'. I think it's the 'all' that makes it sound a little bit dull. If you change it to 'everything' or something like that it would sound better. I meant that half phrase and that type of rephrase. Sorry if it wasn't very clear.

*Kat*
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Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

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:)
"You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same."

Lady Gaga




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I really liked the atmosphere of the story. The way everything seemed to be OK but in the end was absolutely not. Also I liked how you wrote something so serious as knowing that they were going to die, in such a simple way. It definitely got the message across. I mean, you could have gone overboard with adjectives but you didn't and thats what makes this piece so strong.

The story had a good flow and I could read it without any bumps.

Just like Kat said, I'd like to know more about the characters, especially about Jack since he was the only still outside(I think)
Did he make it back home safely, or did he meet any werewolves on the way. I don't know. Can't wait to the next chapter :]




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Bilgerats! I wrote a critique for this earlier, but I must have previewed it and then forgotten to hit "submit," because it seems to have disappeared into the ether. Let's try this again.

I'm sorry it took so long to get to this, by the way--I've had an unexpectedly busy few days. But here I am now.

I felt like it was written rather hastily (which, based on your message, I suppose it was). You'll want to go over this for typos and missing words, to clean it up a little. There's not too much of that, but it's there.

I love the atmosphere of tension and suspense you create here--it's well done. I agree with a lot of what Kat said, apart from the bit about italicizing the last sentence. I feel like that would be a bit of an overkill, personally; but it's up to you.

I would add that there are places where I felt like you were going for a clipped, tense feel in your sentences, but it didn't quite come off. Like this:

In short, it was a perfect night.


Or this:

In this, they were alone.


I think you'd do better to take off the dependent phrases here--"in short," "in this"--and leave the sentences to stand on their own to add to the tension. That "shorter sentences create tension" trick won't work if you overdo it, but it comes in handy if it's done effectively. :)

Overall, I'm very impressed and curious to see more. This looks like an intriguing dystopia. Keep at it!

~Stripes
"Existence is only futile if you say it is, and it's only meaningful if you say it is. And if you say neither, then it's just boring." -E.S.J.




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Hello, I'm Jordan...

I thought your start was good. It made me picture a quiet little village with a slight wind.
I also liked how you got right into the plot, some writers wait and write all sorts of things that aren't needed.
It wasn't a very long story, so I'm not going to say that when you were describing how all the villagers were waiting for something horrible to happen boring... But, I was just waiting for some kind of creatures to start barreling out of the woods, and it never happened.

Are you planning this to be a novel?
I think this story would be a great Chapter 1.

Nice Writng!
Well, yes mate. See, I’m dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It’s the honest ones you need to watch out for, because you never know when they’re going to do something incredibly..stupid.
Jack Sparrow<3




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Hi!! I love your description of the place,of the peace that surrounded everything and the silence that reigned over the night. Then how everything changed, was incredible,how suddenly everything came from perfect stillness to the town's panic. I loved the mistery you created around the whole scene. I din't expect the werewolf thing (just a werewolf fan,hihi).
Werewolves. We are going to die.

I just want to know something, are these thoughts. I think you should write them in italics, or at least show they are thoughts. you know, just to avoid a bit of misunderstanding.
But all i can say is that this kind of story i like: intriguing, mysterious, with lots of suspense and...werewolves!!!
Is this all? because i'd like to know what happens to the whole village and the werewolves. Its fantastic. NIce plot.

Keep writing!!!
pudin.juni
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Des violons
De l'autonne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

Verlaine




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I must say for 14 that is a great story, you are writing more right? :D Great job and keep it up you'll be famous some day I'm sure.




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Hi again! To everybody who posted: thank you. It means a lot. :) And, for the record, I did italicize (spelled right?) the last part, but I had done it on microsoft word, and then pasted it onto the site. I didn't know about the whole [/i] thing, so I didn't check.

And yes, this is going to be a novel, but this is not the first chapter. I just wrote this quick based on the notes I have taken for my story. And since this got such good feedback, (I think) I will be taking time to write this story over again. :)

P.S. This village was not meant to be a wood hut, straw roof kind of town. It is a richer place, with cobbled streets, beautifully masoned stone townhouses, (for lack of a better word for connected houses :)) and diamond-paned windows. There is a wall surrounding the village, also.
"You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same."

Lady Gaga



It is a happiness to wonder; it is a happiness to dream.
— Edgar Allan Poe