Wolf (may change)

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The bitterly cold, winter wind blew hard through the snow covered forest. Icicles as sharp as daggers clung to the branches of every tree, threatening to fall with the slightest shake. Many animals slept in hibernation, while others searched desperately for the little food they could find. The only noises that could be heard was the wind whistling through the trees, the occasional thump as snow fell from the trees, and the crunching of the snow as Lethero slowly padded over it.

Lethero’s tail hung between his legs, and his head nearly touched the ground. Dried blood stained his brilliantly white fur. He was tired, but he could not stop. The pack he used to call family had thrown him out, and if they found after the moon rose above the western horizon, they would kill him.

He tried to block out the events of that day from his mind, but they kept creeping up on him like horrible nightmares. He remember the Alpha Male biting and clawing at his sides, never stopping for mercy, as his pack mates stood their, watching the entire event without sympathy. Eventually, the pain stopped hurting, and he thought he died, taken to Yerolm‘s, the wolf god of the heavens , land. Lethero thought of how better it would’ve been to have just died there and forget his guilt.

But it was not to be.

He woke up hours later, laying on his side on the blood covered snow. The Alpha Male was sitting in front of him, blood stained his gray muzzle. Lethero could clearly see the disappoint in the Alpha Male’s eyes. “Lethero,” he growled solemnly. “I should’ve killed you for what you have done. You attacked and killed a human boy, unprovoked, and brought the wraith of his pack down upon us.” He paused as he looked sadly at Lethero sitting their. “I treated you like my son, and you repaid me by taking one of my pups. I know you did not kill him directly, but the humans that killed him were caused by your hand. What do you have to say for yourself, Lethero?”

Lethero staggered to his feet, the pain that had disappeared came back with full force. He collapsed to the ground before standing up again on all fours. He walked towards the Alpha Male with his tail down and to the side, and his head hung low.

“Forgive me,” Lethero whined as he licked the muzzle of the Alpha Male. “I do not know what came over me. The human was injured and his blood was overpowering. Next thing I remembered was the blood lust washing away and the human lying dead in front of me. I beg for your forgiveness, Alpha.”

“A wolf who can’t control his blood lust does not deserve a place in my pack,” the Alpha Male said. “I know this is only your first offense in this pack, and you have been a loyal comrade to me, I must banish you from the pack.”

“Please, I won’t do it again!”

“Once a wolf has tasted the blood of a human he will want to go back for more. You have become a liability to this pack, Lethero. So, I will cast you out and mark you as a Lone Wolf. You have until the moon rises above the horizon to flee from our territory. If you are found in this territory ever again, you will be killed.”

The rest of the pack jumped on Lethero, and bit at his ears and tail, giving him the scars of a Lone Wolf before chasing him out of the den site.


Lethero lay breathing heavily against a tree. He had made it beyond the boundry of the territory a little before the moon had peaked over the horizon. The pain hurt worse now, the running allowed him to block most of it out, but it had also made him hurt more. He winced as his stomach let out a loud growl, and he remembered his last meal was during the last hunt two suns ago.

“Tut, tut, tut,” came a high pitched, squawking voice above Lethero. He looked up and saw a raven perched on a branch. It was small, with pitch black feather, and dark beady eyes. “You are a pitiful wolf, you are.”

“You want to come down here and say that to my face,” Lethero growled. He knew ravens were the helpers of the wolves, finding them prey and letting them play on prey-less nights, but they had always annoyed him.

The raven turned a beady eye towards Lethero and replied, “I’m sure you could easily kill me with one powerful snap of your jaws, but that is if you can catch, and you don’t look like you’re up to it.” The raven paused to preened its feather, pulling out a few loose feather. He flew down and landed in front of Lethero. “My name is Ipokim,” Ipokim said with a slight bob of his black feathered head. “And who are you, my dear pitiful looking wolf.”

“None of you business,” Lethero growled.

“Oh, a rude wolf. I guess the rude wolf does not want to know where a dead animal lays,” Ipokim said mockingly. “Well, I guess I will find another wolf to share my discovery with.” He turned and flashed Lethero with his tail feathers. “Good bye, rude wolf.”

“Wait!” Lethero called as the raven began to take off. Ipokim glided back and landed in front of Lethero. “My name is Lethero.”

“Now was that so hard? Well, it’s nice to meet you Lethero. May I ask why you are injured and away from a pack. You wolves are such social creatures, that I’m used to seeing more of you at once.”

Lethero stared at the ground and said something so low that Ipokim could not hear him.

“What was that? You will need to speak up, I can’t understand your mumbling.”

“I am a Lone Wolf, I was banished from my pack.”

“Oh, that is serious,” the raven whispered. “And I guess those injuries are the signs of a Lone Wolf?” Ipokim nervously shifted his feet. “I’ve seen only four Lone Wolves in my life. All four of them did not survive more than one year without a pack.”

Lethero’s stomach let out a load growl that made Ipokim jump and squawk in distress. “Can you please tell me where that dead animal is,” Lethero said, cursing to himself for how pitiful his voice sounded.
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Hi Ash! Jon here! :D


The bitterly cold, winter wind blew hard through the snow covered forest.

You over-describe in this sentence. To get the same effect without being redundant say, "The bitter cold wind blew through the snowy trees."
I mean, you already say it's winter and cold, we know there is snow. "Blew hard" Well, we we know that if air is blowing anything, it's not a nice breeze. :wink:


Icicles as sharp as daggers clung to the branches of every tree, threatening to fall with the slightest shake. The only noises that could be heard was the wind whistling through the trees, the occasional thump as snow fell from the trees, and the crunching of the snow as Lethero slowly padded over it.

Metaphors are good, but it doesn't seem to fit here. Just say "Pointed icicles hung from each branch, making the forest look like a glass sculture."
Also, you tell us things, you don't show us.
We already know the wind is blowing. :wink:

out, and if they found Him after the moon rose above the western horizon, they would kill him.

You didn't have "Him" there. So, yeah.

, as his pack mates stood [s]their[/s]

There. :wink:

Eventually, the pain stopped hurting, and he thought he died, taken to Yerolm‘s, the wolf god of the heavens , land. Lethero thought of how better it would’ve been to have just died there and forget his guilt.

You don't need to say the pain stopped hurting. Just say, "The pain ceased." Also, why did he think he died? He obviosly is walking around. Also, you should say, "He thought he died and went to Yerlom, the heaven for wolfs." :wink:

he looked sadly at Lethero sitting [s]their[/s].

You need to learn how to use "There, Their and They're" This should be "There" :wink:

What do you have to say for yourself, Lethero?”

This Alpha Male seems too calm. This is like a leisure question. Make it more emotional. Anger. Hatred! :wink:





“A wolf who can’t control his blood lust does not deserve a place in my pack,” the Alpha Male said. “I know this is only your first offense in this pack, and you have been a loyal comrade to me, but I must banish you from the pack.”




“Tut, tut, tut,” came a high pitched, squawking voice above Lethero. He looked up and saw a raven perched on a branch. It was small, with pitch black feather(S), and dark beady eyes. “You are a pitiful wolf, you are.”


letting them play on prey-less nights

The raven are the ones who let wolves play? I thought wolf did what they wanted to? The way you word this makes it sound like the ravens control what they do.


The raven turned a beady eye towards Lethero and replied, “I’m sure you could easily kill me with one powerful snap of your jaws, but that is if you can catch(me), and you don’t look like you’re up to it.” The raven paused to [s]preened[/s] Preen its feather, pulling out a few loose feather(s). He flew down and landed in front of Lethero. “My name is Ipokim,” Ipokim said with a slight bob of his black feathered head. “And who are you, my dear pitiful looking wolf. (You need a ? mark, not a period.)





“Wait!” Lethero called as the raven began to take off. Ipokim glided back and landed in front of Lethero. “My name is Lethero.”


“Now was that so hard? Well, it’s nice to meet you Lethero. May I ask why you are injured and away from [s]a[/s] Your pack.(Use a ?) You wolves are such social creatures, that I’m used to seeing more of you at once.”



“Oh, that is serious,” the raven whispered. “And I guess those injuries are the signs of a Lone Wolf?”

We already know that these are the signs of a lone wolf. You don't have to bring it back up again through the Raven.


Lethero’s stomach let out a [s]load[/s]Loud growl that made Ipokim jump and squawk in [s]distress[/s] Why would the Raven be in distress? this is the wrong choice of word. Use 'Fright" instead of distress.. “Can you please tell me where that dead animal is,” Lethero [s]said[/s] Asked, cursing to himself for how pitiful his voice sounded.
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Eh, I accidentally clicked submit before the review was finished. ^^"
Last edited by Octave on Sat Jun 20, 2009 2:58 am, edited 1 time in total.
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“

-Boardwalk Empire

Love, get out of my way.


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Kara reporting for review duty! Haha. Just kidding. I'm going to review this because I want to. ^___^

The bitterly cold, winter wind blew hard through the snow covered forest.


I think the comma can be eliminated, and that hard is an unnecessary adverb.

The only noises that could be heard was the wind whistling through the trees, the occasional thump as snow fell from the trees, and the crunching of the snow as Lethero slowly padded over it.


Somehow, this comes off as awkward. :? Can you try to revise it?

He remember the Alpha Male biting and clawing at his sides, never stopping for mercy, as his pack mates stood their, watching the entire event without sympathy.


...stood there, watching the entire event without sympathy.

Eventually, the pain stopped hurting, and he thought he died, taken to Yerolm‘s, the wolf god of the heavens , land.


Eventually, the pain stopped.

The second sentence comes of clunky because you told us who Yerolm is. I think we can do without knowing who exactly Yerolm is right now. ^__^

He woke up hours later, laying on his side on the blood covered snow.


Lying, not laying.

The Alpha Male was sitting in front of him, blood stained his gray muzzle.


The Alpha Male sat in front of him, blood staining his gray muzzle.

Avoid the passive voice at all costs. It kills prose faster than anything else.

Lethero could clearly see the disappoint in the Alpha Male’s eyes.


Disappointment.

“Lethero,” he growled solemnly. “I should’ve killed you for what you have done. You attacked and killed a human boy, unprovoked, and brought the wraith of his pack down upon us.” He paused as he looked sadly at Lethero sitting their. “I treated you like my son, and you repaid me by taking one of my pups. I know you did not kill him directly, but the humans that killed him were caused by your hand. What do you have to say for yourself, Lethero?”


Hold on. This is not so obvious as other infodumps I've seen, but it's still one. Try breaking them up in to tiny pieces and insert them now and then in the conversation.

“A wolf who can’t control his blood lust does not deserve a place in my pack,” the Alpha Male said. “I know this is only your first offense in this pack, and you have been a loyal comrade to me, I must banish you from the pack.”


Might want to tell us Alpha Male's name now. ^^ He seems important enough.

Anyway, the last part requires a but. "...but I must banish you from the pack."

The pain hurt worse now, the running allowed him to block most of it out, but it had also made him hurt more


The pain was worse.

Pain hurts, quite obviously, so you might not want to use hurt for pain. It's kind of repetitive.

“And who are you, my dear pitiful looking wolf.”


Question mark, not period.

May I ask why you are injured and away from a pack.


Again, question mark.



OVERALL: Okay, apart from the infodumps and nitpicks, this isn't bad. It's a fable, right? (I think it is, anyway).

Just fix a few things and avoid letting the reader know that you know lots about wolves. It kind of became obvious. You should let us SEE you know lots. Like...portraying them the way you described them. ^^
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“

-Boardwalk Empire

Love, get out of my way.


Dulcinea: 2,500/50,000




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Okay, I'm not going to any quoting unlike my very generous colleagues above, but I will say this. Very interesting story, I had a dream about something like this once so reading this was quite a shocker. My only true problem is where you ended the chapter. I felt like it should have been at a different point, like there wasn't really closing, or a thrill that made you want to have to keep reading, do you know what I mean?
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