Its secret must be kept

*This is for Eliza's contest. topic45193.html. Enjoy! or not. Reviews will be much welcomed!*

Its secret must be kept
by Kat

The silent breeze passed him by, shaking nothing, for there were no leaves in those trees.
He wondered around, alone in the utter darkness. Would he last long? I believed not. Weak, he was. A simple boy. Such a child could not beat the enormous forest. Should not try, even.
“Try harder,” he whispered. Was he aware of his situation? As if he could get out alive!
He trailed of his way, knowing if he did not find shelter any time soon, the invisible dangers would consume him. He stumbled on something and fell. Almost immediately, blood ran through his skin, trailing their paths.
He didn’t cry, or scream. He ripped a piece of fabric of his damaged shirt, and twisted it around his scratched arm.
He got up, and walked forwards, determinaly. He walked, and walked, heavy step by heavy step. The moon was high in the sky, and he knew he should give up. He sat at the bottom of an elder tree. The tree emanated respect and power. Its branches seemed to be trying to reach for the sky.
Soon, the darkness would be gone. He fell asleep, and dark creatures moved in hidden surroundings. He wouldn’t escape, they murmured. At least, alive he wouldn’t.
The sun was shining, but not even that could be properly noticed, as the eerie forest almost covered it all. The boy woke up, and sighed. He was happy he’d survived the night. He walked, in silence.
Minutes, hours, passed. He had lost track of time. Almost lost track of everything. He would not see anything more that those branches and dead, skinny trees. The forest had its beauty, never truly understood by mere humans.
He stopped when he heard slow breath. Panic overflowed him. He had the feeling that he was being watched, followed, closely observed, for days. As if someone, or something, was waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
He carefully approached the site where the sound seemed to come from. He saw a little girl, about eight, lying on the floor, crying. Her head was facing up, as if in a desperate search for the sun. For the light.
He ran towards her, worried. She was just a little girl. She had no external wounds, but her eyes were empty.
“Calm down. Can you get up?” He asked, with the softest voice he could provide at the moment.
“I…Ah!” She screamed. She was hurting of something he couldn't figure out.
“What’s happening?”
“I’m burning! Save me!” She begged. He tried to get her up, but as he did so, her breathing stopped. He lowered her back down, and tried to bring her back. he tried so hard. It was the first human he had seen for days.
A pair of eyes awaited him in the immensity of the forest. Night fell, while we waited by the side of the little girl. She did not open her eyes again.
He picked up her little body, and laid it under a try. She was filthy and bruised. He recognised her, when he observed her massacred face closely. She lived in his village, on the surroundings of the forest.
Innocence was killed.
“Do you hear me?” He shouted. Crows flew everywhere, making and awful evil noise. “Take me! I will face you!” He spoke with confidence.
As the words were spoken, the boy was wrapped in darkness, and one last sigh drew out of his mouth.
No one could get out of the forest. Its secret must be kept.

Hey Kat =]

I don't think we've met before. I'm Dudette

So. This story was definitely creepy!

Nit-piks;

did not found shelter - 'found' should be 'find'

He didn’t cry, or screamed. - 'screamed' should be 'scream'

He ripped a peace - 'peace' should be 'piece'

He ripped a peace of fabric of his damaged shirt, and twisted it around his scratched arm. - I think here, you could maybe add in how he struggled to rip the fabric, where he was weak/ scared.

He got up, and walked forwards, firmly. - I don't think that 'firmly' fits here. I get what action you are trying to express, but maybe something like 'determinedly' would work a little better

The sky was shining, - I don't know if this sounds right. It's usually the sun that shines and makes the sky bright, so maybe write 'sun' instead of 'sky'

scary forest - I think 'eerie forest' would have a better effect than 'scary'

He walked, in silent. - 'silent' should be 'silence' and you don't need the comma either.

He stopped when he heard a snob - It may just be me, but I don't get this sentence - I think it's the 'snob' part

She was hurting of something he could not know. - This sentence is worded a little awkwardly. maybe try something like; 'She was hurting, but he didn't know what was causing her pain.' - Just a suggestion though

“I’m burning! Save me!” She asked. - I don't think that 'asked' is a strong enough direction here. Maybe use something like, 'yelled' or 'screeched' or 'screamed' instead. Something that shows that she's scared and hurting.

A pair of eyes awaited him, in the immensity of the forest. - I don't think that you need the comma here.

and laid it under a try - By 'try' do you mean 'tree' ?

Crows flew everywhere, making and awful evil noise - Maybe add in how the crows sounded to add to the eerieness of the forest. Was it a screeching sound that tore at his ear drums? - Just a suggestion

and one last sigh drew of his mouth - I'd maybe add in 'out' after 'drew'

No one could get out of the forest. Its secret must be kept. - Creepy!

Overall;

I think the story as a whole was good, but I think you could add in a little more of the surroundings, so that the reader can really picture the eerieness of the forset. The moss covered trees, the claw like branches, the damp air etc...

Some parts seemed a bit rushed too. Like when he finds the girl - it's over so quickly. It lacks tension so the overall effect is less scary. Maybe add in what the boy is thinking or how he feels at seeing this crying girl on the forest floor. To add in more tension, you could also say how he felt like he was being watched or how he thinking that he sees things moving in the trees.

Also, we have no idea how long he's been trapped in the forest or why he's in there in the first place. Maybe add in a little suggestion at how long he's been in the forest/ why he's there, at some point in the story.

We don't know how old the boy is either, though that may be less important as it's a short story.

With a little grammar work and a few more descriptions, here and there, I think that this could be a brilliantly scary story.

Good luck in the contest and I hope that I've been of some help to you!

xDudettex

Hello there!
I think I will take a little gander at your story.

I. Nit-Picking

The silent breeze passed him by, shaking nothing, for there were no leaves in those trees.

This is a very interesting way to start. The only thing I would like to say is that the branches of the trees would still stir in the wind depending on how forceful it was even if there was no leaves.

He wondered around

**wandered

“Try harder,” he whispered. Was he aware of his situation? As if he could get out alive!

With this part I believe the 'as if he could get out alive' part is barely connected to the sentence before it. I think you could add a sentence to it, to give it more detail. Probably it would be something about his hope to get out of the forest, that he believed he could. Something like that. Otherwise the end is really not needed.

of

**off

Almost immediately, blood ran through his skin,

I believe this is fairly awkward. Blood can't actually run through skin. More over his skin would have been broken, punctured, anyway you would want to put it, and his blood would leak out.

I am sure you can reform that sentence, maybe giving a bit more detail on where he got hurt and how bad it truly was.

screamed

**scream

peace

**piece

of

**off

Its branches seemed to be trying to reach for the sky.

I like this description.

He fell asleep, and dark creatures moved in hidden surroundings.

I thought he was too freaked out to fall asleep. It just seems out of place for me and out of character.

The sky was shining,

Just to let you know, you used the wrong adjective here. The sky cannot actual shine. I believe you could possibly find some really good adjectives to go here, maybe you could describe its colour or maybe the sun in the sky.

silent.

**silence

[/quote]He would not see anything more that those branches and dead, skinny trees.[/quote]

I believe this should more over be; 'He could not see anything but those branches and dead, skinny trees.'

He stopped when he heard a snob and a slow breath.

I do not know what you mean when you said 'he heard a snob'. Did you mean 'sob'?

lying on the floor

I believe 'ground' would work better than 'floor' for when I hear the word 'floor' I automatically think the flooring of a house or the inside of the building. 'Ground' more over would suit the situation better. xD

try

*tree

She was filthy and bruised.

The only problem I have with this part is that before you clearly stated that she had no external wounds, and that includes 'bruises'.

No one could get out of the forest. Its secret must be kept.

Oh! I like this ending. I makes me want to go into the forest myself. xD

II. Grammar and Punctuation

You punctuation is marvelous. I saw barely any errors in this piece and I believe Icommented on none. I might have missed some, but I will leave that for someone else. I am not the best at punctuation. xD

You had some grammar errors but none of them were serious. All of them were actual words, which I found surprisingly amusing. It kept me on my toes. The one that you did a couple times was 'off' being spelt 'of'. You have to watch out for that. Also some of the words would have fit if you had just changed them into the proper tense. They didn't work that way like 'silent' and 'silence'.

I believe you are actually using a spelling checker, either on YWS or your own writing processor but what you are doing wrong is that word processors can't actually change the words into the proper tense or to make sense. I recommend reading your work a couple times and to make sure all the words make sense in the order you wrote them.

III. Character Development/

I believe in this story, your were acting as the spirits of the forest which were holding a secret. You have to be craeful with that because you only added their thoughts so often. If you are going to tell the story in first person then you should add some more of their personal thoughts and movements into the piece.

The main boy character was cool. I would have liked for you to have given more description of what he looked like. I didn't quite know, so I gave my imagination a spin, just to check if it still works. xD

The boy I believe should have more actions and dialogue to add to his character. Trying to find character traits is hard in a short piece but it is able to as long as the author writes some clues in it, often displayed by actions or dialogues. In the beginning I thought he was slightly scared but also determinded. He was also searching desperately for shelter. Then something happened that really bugged me. He sat down by a tree and fell asleep which doesn't match the feelings from before. And then he never even got attacked there, so there was no real reason for that to happen. I believe you could have possibly made him sit and then go into more of the spirits thoughts about the character, maybe insert a nice description.

IV. Writing Style

Your writing is easy to comprhend and very easy to follow which makes it marvels and enjoyable for a critiquer like me to read. You had some good metaphors in there, and your ended was superb.

What I have to comment on is that your writing can get really into the 'stopping and going'. I believe you should combine some of your sentences, or add on to them to make them more fluent and to make it seem more seamless and entertaining for the reader.

I also believe that you should add more detail and description into the story and setting. You say there was a crying girl sitting by the tree, around eight years old. Well, ask yourself, 'what colour hair does she have?' 'what colour eyes?' 'any noticeable traits?'. Make it easier for the reader to figure out what you are trying to get across. That means they won't have to fill in the pieces and easier for them to follow along with out asking questions.

I also think you should use your ability for metaphors and similes to desribe the setting more. Try to make the trees life like and easy for the reader to imagine. I know which picture you chose for the contest because I have seen the contest but I think if someone hasn't seen the picture then theywould have no idea. Describe the trees, maybe about the cold hard ground. Maybe about the white fog billowing inbetween the trees.

Just have fun with it.

V. Overall

This piece was quite entertaining. I found it interesting from the beginning making it easy to read and I didn't feel so compelled to put it down. The length was nice and short unlike other writers that seem to write for ages. That includes myself. xD

I believe if you just added more description, details, and necessary details for your characters, this could be something quite compelling and fascinating, maybe even inspirational. You did have that spooky kind of feel, but you also had that feeling of surreal. I couldn't quite connect with anything in the piece so it made me feel I was looking at it from affar.

Remember to proofread your work also, and keep up that amazing punctuation.

See you around,
~Incognito

This piece wasn't that bad.
I must say I didn't really find it very tense or creepy though, just sort of entertaining.
It's a good story and well developed idea, however the characters are rather flat (I really think they need more detail) as well as the imagery.
A horror piece is made or broken based on the imagery it creates, and for me the atmosphere (at least in the first half) was lacking. It picks up a bit in the end, but not enough to truly unnerve the reader.

grammar wise, it's very neat and never distracts.
the style is unique and the ideas at work are very nice, a bit more polish and it would be even better.

Overall I thought it was a good story. I understood what kind of message you were trying to bring across, so that's good. It had a good flow to it, there were some bumps in the road, but not so bad that you couldn't read over it.

I do think that it was confusing at times to when you switched from the MC's thoughts to the Forest's thoughts. Also, I would've loved to know the MC more. Like how did he get there, was he on some kind of missions and did he get lost?

“Take me!” He shouted. Crows flew everywhere, making and awful evil noise. “Do you hear me? I will face you!” He spoke with confidence.

I think that 'Take me!' should've been said before 'Do you hear me?'. Why would he otherwise say 'Do you hear me' if he hadn't said something of importance.

Innocence was killed.

No one could get out of the forest. Its secret must be kept.

These two sentences must've been the two that I liked most, because they were so simple and yet so strong.